Lonely and drained

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I sort of feel exhausted, like, all the time. I've been getting a pretty good amount of sleep and, with it being 5 degrees outside and covered in ice, I haven't been running around a lot either. I yawn at random times in the day and feel no need to do anything. I've gotten a little bit of work done on some of my novels, but not as much as I'd like to. I mean, I have barely been online all week and not at all since Thursday. I've lost all desire for that, too. I've also found myself wanting to spend more time downstairs, rather than in my room. That's weird, as most people would know. I usually can't get enough of just hanging in my room, writing. Maybe it's because it's cold. But I don't think so.

I think it might have more to do with boredom. I think I'm bored with my life. That might not sound like such a huge deal, but it is to me. I've never really been bored with my turbulent life before. There's always been something to capture my attention, to keep me occupied. You'd think I'd have more than enough right now, with all that's going on: Braydon, the new baby, exams, the weather, Vikki's problems, my parents...., my blanket, school, facebook, Obama's inauguration, MaryJean, Mykayla, and, though I swore I wouldn't mention it in this blog, [x] factor... But nothing can keep me from just wanting away from it all. There's been many times in my life when I've wanted a big change, but I don't think I've ever needed it so badly. Which is strange, because Kelly moving out was somewhat of a big shift. Now, we are allies.

But she wants me to strictly take her side on all of this.... But I can't. I can't take anyone's side, since they never took mine. Kelly bullied me around my entire life, and my mother joined her in the last three. My father tried, but was reluctant to go against my mother, who was reluctant to go against Kelly, at least when it came to me. In fights or disagreements or whatever between myself and Kelly over the last three years, my mother took my side one time. In three years. And my dad sided with them more often than not. He might try... but he would give in. And then, things just blew up between me and him when he started having serious problems with Kelly. Mostly because I felt this stupid, teenage instinct to side with the sibling over the parent. So, how can I forget all of that and say one person is right over the other? I can't. My dad is wrong in this, for being a tyrannical person when it came to us moving out. My sister has done me so many wrongs in the past, yet sees nothing wrong with any of it. My mother, though truthfully seems to have the best hold on the situation, is asking the same thing of me that Kelly is: to forget the past completely, to forget that there were times when I would cry in my room for hours out of hatred and hurt, to forget that I could never do anything right unless I laid down like a doormat, to forget that what I am is never good enough. My mother tries to remind me of all that Kelly has done, but she doesn't seem to understand that she was just as wrong in all of that, that if I can't forgive Kelly, then I can't forgive her either. But still I have to pick a side or lose them all. Much as I have hated my mother and sister in the past, I still want to have relationships with them, which is stupid, I know. I know that the level they degraded me to was one in which few could ever forgive, but I can't justify losing my family either, simply because they are my family. And I can mostly forgive my father, but his temper is out of control. He stresses the little things and his fuse can blow at any time, when he suddenly gets mad at everyone for no reason. He is a great man, but he sacrificed too much for us, leaving little left for anyone to hold onto.

And I know there is a big change ahead of my, maybe just a few short months away or maybe even sooner. And I have no idea what I'll do when the time comes... A fight between what's wanted, what's needed, and what's best. I'm terrified. I've had over three years to ponder my decision (the similar years is just a coincidence...), yet I haven't found a path that would work.

Maybe it is just the weather that has sent this complete desolateness into my life. Maybe it's the constant cold and lack of color. Maybe it's the cost of heat and danger of driving that puts everyone else on edge and causes me to shrink back into myself. I don't know. Maybe I just need someone to talk to, someone that won't judge or think I'm crazy. But also someone that will actually care and understand. Someone that wants to know more about me, but would also earn my trust. I used to pray for this person to come, back when I believed praying would help. Now all I can do is hope that this person is apart of my near future, that I won't be alone forever.