[x] factor (originally posted Nov. 8, 2008)

Wow, they don't have a 'relationships' or 'love' category for the blog. Weird.
Anyways, that is what this is about. But it is not a 'relationship' exactly. I am not even sure what I would call it. But now I'm getting confusing, so I will explain.
There is this guy. He is a great guy, from what I do know about him. I do know that he is great fun to be around, he is smart, and, obviously, the sexiest, hottest thing that ever walked on two legs. He is very set on his future plans, something I think is great, though what he wants to do scares me a little. He makes me laugh, nearly every time he opens his mouth and that's amazing. He's also just so intriguing. Once you talk to him, you instantly want to know know about him, want to sit and just talk for hours about everything. At least I do.
But, obviously, there is a problem. There is something weird between us, something I really don't know if i can explain properly. The few friends that do know about don't quite understand it, but I will go back to the very beginning and just tell everything.
One day, I was [somewhere] with a group of people, some I knew intimately, some I only knew by face, and some I did not know at all. Now, I can no longer recall whet her I had ever seen him before, whether I would recognize him as a student at our school, or whether i had just never seen him in my life, but that part of my life, before him, doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. I was glancing around the [area], scanning the crowd, and my eyes caught with a boy whose name I didn't know. Maybe he was just scanning the [area] too, or maybe he'd been looking at me, but our eyes caught, for the first time. I will never forget that, not as long as I live.
So, throughout the rest of my time with that [group] that day, our eyes met many more times. It was one of those things where you look to see if they're looking and they do the same, but you also just want to look, because, like I said before, major sexiness. I went home, him slightly on my mind. He had been introduced, so I knew his name by this point, but I still had no real idea of who he was. the next day, the group met again, as it would for many, many days to come. This time, I noted when I saw him in the halls at school, and our eyes caught plenty of time then too, the habit being formed. Througout the next few days, during school and the other thing, our eyes met constantly whenever we were in proximity. Often I would catch my self staring at him, but also catch him looking for long periods of time at me. Now, this *thing*, this constantly meeting eyes, DOES NOT STOP, through any of the next events. Actually, it still hasn't stopped. I know it doesn't sound like much, this weird meeting of the eyes, but think about a situation where you couldn't seem to keep your eyes off a person and they couldn't keep them off you. Anyways, it feels like a lot more to me than it sounds.
This [group] was where we exchanged our first acknowledging of each other, a given and received wave and smile. Then, a few days later, words followed. That was it, for a little while longer.
The big break came with [Tom] inviting me to walk with him to a [place]. [Tom] was friends with both me and [x]factor (I call him that because he is a variable, an unknown) and when I saw that [x]factor was also going along, I immediately agreed to go with them. And we talked. I remember certain topics and certain words that were exchanged, like when he began to make fun of my music. I still have no idea what type of music he is into. Just another curiosity. I understand now, looking back, that [Tom] was our buffer, the thing that pulled us into conversation while we were still not ready to be alone together. [Tom] was there the first few times that [x]factor and I were together outside of the larger group. Anyways, we were joking with each other instantly, talking and addressing each other. [Tom] didn't say much, at least not after we berated him for talking too much. After that, the whole group got together and we all joked, but [x]factor was the center.
After that, just a couple days later, [Tom], [x]factor and I walked together twice in one day. Now, remember, the whole looking thing has not stopped. When we were actually in the middle of a conversation, it wasn't happening, but during school and any other time when words weren't being exchanged, it was glance ping-pong.
We talked easily when we were talking, about so many things. We joked about awkward things, talked of shoes(my hated for them) and just a large range of topics. After that day, [x]factor and I walked that second path two or three times, completely alone. And still, we talked. I was happy.
Then the [group] ended. We didn't see each other on that path and we didn't talk in school. But the looks didn't end.
Summer came and passed, him on my mind more often than not. Part of me hoped I would get over him, because by this time, I really, really liked him. Part of me hoped he would make the first move. Part of me wanted to never see him again (I was offered a chance to change schools, and the situation with him was a big deciding factor) But we came back to school, and things had not changed one fucking bit. Still the looks, but now there were classes involved. I spend my time during those classes hoping that i will be brought into attention so he'll have to look at me or that he'll be brought into attention so that I can look at him. Luckily, we are both favorites of the teacher, so it is quite often.
We still look at each other a lot, in class and in the halls, and I often change my path of walking when he is near, sometimes to be closer, sometimes to be farther from him. Our paths between classes are set, so I always know when I will see him, so he can only take me off guard before school or when one of us is not where we usually are. Lately, that's been a lot.
Part of me hates him for affecting me soo much, part of me is enamored with his every word and movement, part of me is annoyed, part of me hopeful, part of me resigned. Is it possible to be quint-polar??
I have talked to him since school started. A few times. But they were each singular incidences that don't seem possible to start us back to that much happier, much easier time. Now, I am just waiting. Waiting until he makes a move, waiting until I do, waiting for divine intervention and waiting for the day when our time together is over forever.

Add on:
We haven't talked now for almost two months. I have been trying so hard to just get over him. But, I realized recently that I WON'T. I won't be able to get over him while I am forced/able to see him nearly every day. And, judging by how little the three month summer affected my fixation, I am guessing that it will be a while after we're separated before I can move on. So, what now? We still have about 6 months before the next long term separation... Should I just let it continue until then, then go get super social and find some other guy to fixate on while I don't have [x]factor as a distraction (because I can't even get interested in other guys when he is around)? Or should I try to make more progess in getting close to him? When will it get to be too much, when will I snap?