As should be obvious, my life these days revolves around what's going on with [x] factor. So, what does the end of this year mean on that front? On one hand, this was the year I first saw him, the year that we connected and fell apart. But, it's a new year, right? Maybe, my New Year's Resolution should be to make things right in that part of my life. Then again, aren't all New Year's Resolutions doomed from the beginning? For me they are. But I need to make it right, for me and him. I've seen him react to me the way that I react to me and it tears me in two. I like that he is as affected by me as I am by him, but I don't want him to be feeling the pain that I am feeling. I don't want to hurt him. I care about him. For me, he is right up there with my close family on the priorities list and much higher than the other people in my life. Of course, I consider my close friends to be close family, so he doesn't quite trump them either. But I do not even talk to this amazing man. How can I care so much? But sadly, I want to care more. I want to love him, in the soaring, safe yet risky and entirely undescribable way. I know that I do not yet... I do not know him well enough. But I want to. Being around him daily, as I have no choice but to be, I see more and more of the things that I like. I am utterly attracted to him. I can barely even look at other guys when he's around. Luckily, Vikki doesn't see it. Then again, I am not attracted to Nate, so what can I expect? We've finally, after all the drama, developed a different taste in men. And man is the only word for [x] factor. Age doesn't matter. He is far more mature than any other guy at that school. He thinks and has opinions and wants to be out there, doing something to make a difference. But he makes me laugh. There are times when I think he does things for my benefit alone, because no one else will even be paying attention. But he knows I am always aware of him, just as I know he is aware of me. And he usually smiles when I laugh at him, so hopefully that's a good sign.... I just can't stand all this unknowing. It past by endurable long ago. Now, it is nothing short of torture. If nothing happens, ever, and I did nothing to change this... I would always wonder and never stop regretting. I would regret it for the rest of my life, more than anything I have ever regretted. If I went for it and got turned down, I would be okay. You can only regret the things you do not do. Maybe, going for it will be a mistake, but I would never regret it. At least I would know, once and for all...
The looks seem to have gotten worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it. I've caught him staring more than I used to and he glances at me more than he used to. Of course, I stare at him plenty. He still avoids me. That's unfortunate. But I avoid him as well. And, like I said, I would swear that some of the things he does and says are to make me laugh. And I do. I can't help it. He makes me laugh and that's one of the best things there is about him. I assure you, there are plenty of other qualities...
My friends are all amazing right now. Vikki is my best friend, hands down. She is always there for me and hasn't let me down.... well, not since freshman Snowball.. :)LOL. She cares about me and needs me to be there just as much as I need her to be there. It's great to be in an entirely equal friendship. I haven't had this since Shelby Morgan as a child. But it is so much stronger, now that we are on the brink of adulthood. Everything means so much more now. Mykayla is erratic as always, but always able to be counted on for a good time and some reality. Tana and Ashley and Ray are the biggest kids I have ever met. But, oddly enough, they see things so much clearer. They see through the bullshit, and get down to the core, while having a great time doing it. Tana's been there for so long.... I can't imagine my life with her not in it. Ray is crazy. No doubt about it. But he is also immensely loyal and a total goofball. Ashley is... entertaining. She gets along with literally everybody and makes everyone laugh. Gotta love them. Eddie and Zac are always cool. I am definitely closer with Eddie, probably because I see him more and have more in common with him, but Zac is amazing as well. Eddie is so gullible and has a great sense of humor. Plus, he gets it. He gets the pressure from parents to stay out of trouble and be the best.
I don't know how it happened. After 15 years of never really knowing where I fit in, of never having that stable social life, I suddenly have so many people who care and who take me for who I am. Well, better late than never, right? But if this year has been so great, won't it only get worse from here?
My parents.... I don't know what is going on with them most of the time. They really united when Kelly left. Actually, my mom seems like a different person when it comes to me. She's admitting that Kelly treated me like shit for years and she stood up for me against Kelly for the first time in three years. That shocked the hell out of me, so much so that I just turned around and walked away. But her and Kelly get along, as far as I know. Part of me is angry for this sudden turn around, while part of me is thankful. I hate that she also treated me like shit, yet now everything is supposed to be okay. I am supposed to forget the last three years, as if they never happened. But they did. I literally have the scars to prove it. It seems fake to me. I have wanted nothing more than to hate her for so long, but I also wanted nothing more than for her to not hate me. I have striven for her acceptance and I now realize that I could never have gotten any kind of acceptance so long as Kelly was around. Kelly is more important to her than I am.
My dad... loves me. A lot. I know it. But sometimes his temper goes out of control. He was there for me a lot in the last few years, trying to comfort me rather than criticize me for crying. He always wanted to know why I was upset and still does. Mom never really cared that much. Once in a while, when it was completely obvious that something was off, she might ask a question or two. But that was about as much effort as she put in on my behalf. My dad however, wants to be a part of my life. Sometimes, he may go about it the wrong way (the terrible Ipod incident), but he wants a relationship with me. That's always good to know.
Things with Kelly these days are actually kind of fantastic, in the original meaning of the word. It's like a page of a fantasy book where nothing can actually be real. But, so far, it has been. We get along, seek each other out. Spend time just talking. It's something we only used to do when our parents were pissing us both off. I still haven't forgotten everything. Kelly was a self-centered bitch for most of my life. But she is a mostly good person. I know her better than most. We both have had the part to play, the happy, inteligent girl. We have both played it well.
My books were coming along awesomely... until we got internet. At this moment, I have two books I should be working on. One is something that i just started. I had a dream and everything just came to life after that. The other is Lyssa, my favorite CHEEDAWS (or WHONDERS). Her book is the first in the series, naturally, and I wanted to have it done by, well, 8 days from now. Not gonna happen. But I have a couple years before I need to get serious about publishing. I love all my characters and have actually spent a good amount of time in the last few weeks writing. That mey have more to do with more time on the computer, though.
My reading life has been seriously interrupted with school. I have had so much to read for school that, with my writing and everything else, I haven't had nearly enough time for reading. Well, except for the time I made for reading Stray. I couldn't help it. Faythe is right up there with Wanda and nearly neck and neck witih Bella. I read the book four times in a row, just like I did with Twilight. Because, like Twilight, I haven't been able to get my hands on the second book in the series and couldn't stand not to be reading SOMETHING of the story. And, like Twilight, when I wasn't actually reading, I had the book with me and was constantly re-reading my favorite scenes. I have literally memorized the groping scenes and the ass kicking scenes. The sex scene is definitely plastered as well. One odd thing that has never happened to me is that the book has its own soundtrack for me. I was listening to Idina Menzel's I Stand Cd the first time I read the book and through all of the scene searching between the first and second time. I got halfway through the second time and thought about changing the music, but realized that nothing would sound right while reading that book. So, that's all I listened to any time I was reading the book, even if it was just a scene. Crazy, I know. But I am not even surprised at myself. I have the whole CD on my Ipod now, so I'll never have to worry about not having it.
I love my room right now. The walls are literally covered in colored quotes about everything. Most of them are from the Twilight series but there are so many. I have quotes from so many books and authors and just people. I even have a few of my own quotes, from books that I am writing. It is a collage of who I am and I love it. I will be so sad when I leave in a year and a half.
I am also loving my music right now. I am still into everything. But lately, it's been Country, then Rock, then Idina. A LOT of country, though. Mostly country. I have gotten really into the newer music. Plus, on the rock stuff, I've discovered some amazing bands. None of the genres are anything alike, but they all scream ME. Not that I really know exactly who that is sometimes.....
School is work, finally. Junior year had challenged me for literally the first time in my life. I love it. I am the top of all of my classes and did better than anyone on the PSAT. Same with the PLAN last year. Being top of my class is sort of a requirement for my college... so, I am not trying to brag, just trying to be ACCEPTED!! :) I got the 4.0 on my english paper, which makes me really happy. I have the only 100% in that class. I have 100% in both my Civics and World History classes and more than 100% in my Pre-Calculus class. I am also doing really well in Contemp. Lit, Spanish and Web Design. Overall, doing really good!
Wow, if you are still reading, you must be really interested!! :) LOL. Thanks for keeping up! I know it's much easier in writing than in person.
XOXO
Kari Richelle
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