Friday, December 26, 2008

Frustration at Adjectives.

These are the adjectives that, while I love them and use them constantly, no longer imply their original meaning and, seeing as I know their original meaning and I deal with very literal people, make it harder to say what you really mean.

Adorable: Able to be adored or worthy of adoration.
Adorable: Really cute.

Amazing: Causing amazement or leaving a person amazed.
Amazing: Really good or cool, great

Awesome: Causing awe or leaving a person awed.
Awesome: Really good or cool, great

Excellent: Excelling or beyond average. Something that excels.
Excellent: Really good or cool, great (many of them have begun to mean this)

Fantastic: Of or coming from something of a fantasy. Unreal, not possible, magical.
Fantastic: Really good or cool, great

Horrible: Causing horror or fear, filled with horror
Horrible: Really bad or uncool

Incredible: Opposite of credible, meaning not possible, not plausible; absurd, far-fetched
Incredible: Really good or cool, great

Marvelous: Able to be marvelled at, something to be marvelled.
Marvelous: Really good or cool, great

Extraordinary: Beyond ordinary, super.
Extraordinary: Really good or cool, great

Outrageous: Causing outrage, creating anger
Outrageous: Ridiculous, preposterous OR bad-ass, sick

Outstanding: Standing out, not fitting in
Outstanding: Really good or cool, great

Remarkable: Able to be remarked upon, worthy of remark
Remarkable: Really good or cool, great, unique, different (good way)

Terrible: Full of or causing terror, full or fear
Terrible: Really bad or uncool

Wonderful: Full of or causing wonder
Wonderful: Really good or cool, great

*Selfish: Supposed to mean caring about oneself more than others, but word is "self" "ish". "ish" implies only kinda sorta. Just thought that one was ironic.


There are so many, many more. These are just SOME of the big ones. Next time you want to say that something is "really good or cool, great" by being creative, try and do it with a word that doesn't have a more literal meaning. Not so easy, btw.

Ummmm...

Xmas is over. It was weird, cuz it sort of snuck up on us in the first place. It didn't really feel like Xmas.... It was great. I got a lot of the things that I wanted and I am very grateful for that. I got the yarn to finish the blanket that I am making, the Ipod speakers I forgot to tell anyone that I wanted, a USB (flash drive) that someone owed me, and a straightener that I needed. I also got a T-shirt of one of my two fav bands, Breaking Benjamin (Three Days Grace is the other fav rock band) and a fuzzy green scarf from Mykayla, an awesome person. I actually, haven't even finished my Xmas shopping.... They're gonna be late, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Also, 2008 is nearly over. It's sunk in that I won't see [x] factor until 2009, a whole new era. I want things to change. I found this button on facebook (don't judge me) that kinda said it perfectly: Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about. I haven't. Gone a day without thinking about him, I mean. Not since the day we met. Actually, not since BEFORE we met. We had begun the whole ping-pong thing weeks before we ever exchanged words. And I have thought of him numerous times every single day since then. I can't escape him and I don't want to. I really care about him and I really want to care more... I miss him like crazy whenever we're apart. I am never happier then when we are together, no matter how miserable he makes me. He drives me crazy, fucking up all my plans to get him to notice me, more than he already does, I mean. He always shows up at the wrong moment, yet every moment is soo right. I am crazy. I know that. I have lost my mind over this guy and I won't get it back until something changes in a big way. But that's okay. I have accepted my fate. I have stopped fighting it. It's like fighting death. You can avoid it, but you can never really escape it. He's my living death.
Things with Kelly are exactly as we always knew they would be when she moved out. They're great. I am starting to kinda sorta like her as a person. I haven't forgotten the last few years, not as it pertains to her or my mother. But it seems like everyone else wants to just move on, so whatever. I don't want to act like they didn't happen, but I also don't want to ruin what could be. I don't know exactly how I should deal with it, so for now I am just going with the flow. I haven't really fought with my mother since Kelly moved out. Go figure. Then again, my issues with my mother have only a little to do with Kelly herself. She just happened to be the main spark for the flame. It's still just wait and see at the moment.
My dad is having a lot of medical problems. His back is really bad and he broke his toe. Again. Same toe. He went to the walk-in today and got drugs, so hopefully that will help. Btw, I have to mention that my family knows the walk-in WAY too well. They have fav. doctors and doctors they hate and.... Wow. I have only been in there once or twice in my whole life. They have each been in there a few times a year. .... Kelly wasn't there, but she also probably has her fav. and dislikes. Shes has a lot of medical problems as well. I never really have. I have sprained my ankle twice, and cut my head open once. Oh, and all that stuff with my kidney and bladder when I was younger, but that was a long time ago and has pretty much stabled out. I never even went in for my ankle, either time, and only went to a doctor a few times those years that I had problems with that part of my body. I still have the same issues, but they aren't problematic so much as annoying. Huh.
Ginger, I've noticed, gets VERY territorial about me when Rocky is home. Not so much when it's just Bud, but when Rocky is home, she rarely leaves my lap. I think she knows I like Rocky more, but also that he is so much more in my face than Bud is. It's cute, I guess. She knows who her mommy is.
Again, very grateful for this year's Xmas. Very happy and glad. But I sent a big hint their way. No one got it. I have been putting books (actual names of ones I want, not just books in general) on my Xmas lists for years. Never got even one. So, this year, to send a huge hint to everyone, my entire Xmas list was about 15 different books, then a sweater. Guess what? I didn't get any books. It makes me wonder if that's their way of discouraging my future career. Trying not encourage me in any way with what I want to do, since they don't see it as practical. *sigh*. I have been babysitting, though, so I'll spend the extra money after my last few Xmas gifts on books. I am just nerdy that way.
So, my break so far has been pretty boring. Not been doing much. Had a bunch of fun at Vikki's on Friday. We ate a bunch of junk food, talked and watched a movie. Oh, and laundry. she did a bunch of laundry. I miss her. She's in Arizona right now.... But since, I haven't really done much. I have been reading Wuthering Heights, which is quickly creeping it's way up my fav. book list. I've been doing the practical thing and following along on spark notes, but I have been pretty much getting everything that i need to. I haven't read any of the analysists or theme things, but I might check it out later. For now, I want to experience the book how it was originally meant to be experienced: one page at a time. I haven't really touched my journal for Contemp. Lit, or my World History review. I haven't even gotten to my Spanish notes.... Damn, I'm lazy...
So, I think I am about talked out for now.... Check ya later!

XOXO
Kari Richelle

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Good bye 2008. You've changed me forever.

2008 is coming to a close. Quickly. And I am not quite sure exactly how I feel about that.

As should be obvious, my life these days revolves around what's going on with [x] factor. So, what does the end of this year mean on that front? On one hand, this was the year I first saw him, the year that we connected and fell apart. But, it's a new year, right? Maybe, my New Year's Resolution should be to make things right in that part of my life. Then again, aren't all New Year's Resolutions doomed from the beginning? For me they are. But I need to make it right, for me and him. I've seen him react to me the way that I react to me and it tears me in two. I like that he is as affected by me as I am by him, but I don't want him to be feeling the pain that I am feeling. I don't want to hurt him. I care about him. For me, he is right up there with my close family on the priorities list and much higher than the other people in my life. Of course, I consider my close friends to be close family, so he doesn't quite trump them either. But I do not even talk to this amazing man. How can I care so much? But sadly, I want to care more. I want to love him, in the soaring, safe yet risky and entirely undescribable way. I know that I do not yet... I do not know him well enough. But I want to. Being around him daily, as I have no choice but to be, I see more and more of the things that I like. I am utterly attracted to him. I can barely even look at other guys when he's around. Luckily, Vikki doesn't see it. Then again, I am not attracted to Nate, so what can I expect? We've finally, after all the drama, developed a different taste in men. And man is the only word for [x] factor. Age doesn't matter. He is far more mature than any other guy at that school. He thinks and has opinions and wants to be out there, doing something to make a difference. But he makes me laugh. There are times when I think he does things for my benefit alone, because no one else will even be paying attention. But he knows I am always aware of him, just as I know he is aware of me. And he usually smiles when I laugh at him, so hopefully that's a good sign.... I just can't stand all this unknowing. It past by endurable long ago. Now, it is nothing short of torture. If nothing happens, ever, and I did nothing to change this... I would always wonder and never stop regretting. I would regret it for the rest of my life, more than anything I have ever regretted. If I went for it and got turned down, I would be okay. You can only regret the things you do not do. Maybe, going for it will be a mistake, but I would never regret it. At least I would know, once and for all...
The looks seem to have gotten worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it. I've caught him staring more than I used to and he glances at me more than he used to. Of course, I stare at him plenty. He still avoids me. That's unfortunate. But I avoid him as well. And, like I said, I would swear that some of the things he does and says are to make me laugh. And I do. I can't help it. He makes me laugh and that's one of the best things there is about him. I assure you, there are plenty of other qualities...


My friends are all amazing right now. Vikki is my best friend, hands down. She is always there for me and hasn't let me down.... well, not since freshman Snowball.. :)LOL. She cares about me and needs me to be there just as much as I need her to be there. It's great to be in an entirely equal friendship. I haven't had this since Shelby Morgan as a child. But it is so much stronger, now that we are on the brink of adulthood. Everything means so much more now. Mykayla is erratic as always, but always able to be counted on for a good time and some reality. Tana and Ashley and Ray are the biggest kids I have ever met. But, oddly enough, they see things so much clearer. They see through the bullshit, and get down to the core, while having a great time doing it. Tana's been there for so long.... I can't imagine my life with her not in it. Ray is crazy. No doubt about it. But he is also immensely loyal and a total goofball. Ashley is... entertaining. She gets along with literally everybody and makes everyone laugh. Gotta love them. Eddie and Zac are always cool. I am definitely closer with Eddie, probably because I see him more and have more in common with him, but Zac is amazing as well. Eddie is so gullible and has a great sense of humor. Plus, he gets it. He gets the pressure from parents to stay out of trouble and be the best.
I don't know how it happened. After 15 years of never really knowing where I fit in, of never having that stable social life, I suddenly have so many people who care and who take me for who I am. Well, better late than never, right? But if this year has been so great, won't it only get worse from here?

My parents.... I don't know what is going on with them most of the time. They really united when Kelly left. Actually, my mom seems like a different person when it comes to me. She's admitting that Kelly treated me like shit for years and she stood up for me against Kelly for the first time in three years. That shocked the hell out of me, so much so that I just turned around and walked away. But her and Kelly get along, as far as I know. Part of me is angry for this sudden turn around, while part of me is thankful. I hate that she also treated me like shit, yet now everything is supposed to be okay. I am supposed to forget the last three years, as if they never happened. But they did. I literally have the scars to prove it. It seems fake to me. I have wanted nothing more than to hate her for so long, but I also wanted nothing more than for her to not hate me. I have striven for her acceptance and I now realize that I could never have gotten any kind of acceptance so long as Kelly was around. Kelly is more important to her than I am.
My dad... loves me. A lot. I know it. But sometimes his temper goes out of control. He was there for me a lot in the last few years, trying to comfort me rather than criticize me for crying. He always wanted to know why I was upset and still does. Mom never really cared that much. Once in a while, when it was completely obvious that something was off, she might ask a question or two. But that was about as much effort as she put in on my behalf. My dad however, wants to be a part of my life. Sometimes, he may go about it the wrong way (the terrible Ipod incident), but he wants a relationship with me. That's always good to know.

Things with Kelly these days are actually kind of fantastic, in the original meaning of the word. It's like a page of a fantasy book where nothing can actually be real. But, so far, it has been. We get along, seek each other out. Spend time just talking. It's something we only used to do when our parents were pissing us both off. I still haven't forgotten everything. Kelly was a self-centered bitch for most of my life. But she is a mostly good person. I know her better than most. We both have had the part to play, the happy, inteligent girl. We have both played it well.

My books were coming along awesomely... until we got internet. At this moment, I have two books I should be working on. One is something that i just started. I had a dream and everything just came to life after that. The other is Lyssa, my favorite CHEEDAWS (or WHONDERS). Her book is the first in the series, naturally, and I wanted to have it done by, well, 8 days from now. Not gonna happen. But I have a couple years before I need to get serious about publishing. I love all my characters and have actually spent a good amount of time in the last few weeks writing. That mey have more to do with more time on the computer, though.

My reading life has been seriously interrupted with school. I have had so much to read for school that, with my writing and everything else, I haven't had nearly enough time for reading. Well, except for the time I made for reading Stray. I couldn't help it. Faythe is right up there with Wanda and nearly neck and neck witih Bella. I read the book four times in a row, just like I did with Twilight. Because, like Twilight, I haven't been able to get my hands on the second book in the series and couldn't stand not to be reading SOMETHING of the story. And, like Twilight, when I wasn't actually reading, I had the book with me and was constantly re-reading my favorite scenes. I have literally memorized the groping scenes and the ass kicking scenes. The sex scene is definitely plastered as well. One odd thing that has never happened to me is that the book has its own soundtrack for me. I was listening to Idina Menzel's I Stand Cd the first time I read the book and through all of the scene searching between the first and second time. I got halfway through the second time and thought about changing the music, but realized that nothing would sound right while reading that book. So, that's all I listened to any time I was reading the book, even if it was just a scene. Crazy, I know. But I am not even surprised at myself. I have the whole CD on my Ipod now, so I'll never have to worry about not having it.

I love my room right now. The walls are literally covered in colored quotes about everything. Most of them are from the Twilight series but there are so many. I have quotes from so many books and authors and just people. I even have a few of my own quotes, from books that I am writing. It is a collage of who I am and I love it. I will be so sad when I leave in a year and a half.

I am also loving my music right now. I am still into everything. But lately, it's been Country, then Rock, then Idina. A LOT of country, though. Mostly country. I have gotten really into the newer music. Plus, on the rock stuff, I've discovered some amazing bands. None of the genres are anything alike, but they all scream ME. Not that I really know exactly who that is sometimes.....

School is work, finally. Junior year had challenged me for literally the first time in my life. I love it. I am the top of all of my classes and did better than anyone on the PSAT. Same with the PLAN last year. Being top of my class is sort of a requirement for my college... so, I am not trying to brag, just trying to be ACCEPTED!! :) I got the 4.0 on my english paper, which makes me really happy. I have the only 100% in that class. I have 100% in both my Civics and World History classes and more than 100% in my Pre-Calculus class. I am also doing really well in Contemp. Lit, Spanish and Web Design. Overall, doing really good!

Wow, if you are still reading, you must be really interested!! :) LOL. Thanks for keeping up! I know it's much easier in writing than in person.

XOXO
Kari Richelle

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dumb Chauvinistic Fucks!!!

This was an actual conversation had on Facebook. So, this is the kind of people who I have to deal with. The ones with astericks are the ass holes. Read for yourself, if you can take it. John and Matt are PLers, having posted on this page to get their point across. Eddie is just a crazy pervert. And people wonder why I am Pro-choice and a Feminist. (btw, Gigi and Andrew are cool. Andrew actually went to school with Eddie and Matt, poor guy. also, Tom is the group administrator)

*John: I think your just trying to hide the fact that your being mentally raped.

Kari: "mentally raped"? LOL. I think ur just pissed cuz you'd have to rape a chick to get laid

Gigi: John, if you think what you're doing is mental rape:You're doing it wrong.

Kari, I think he's bipolar or maybe schizophrenic, or perhaps has disassociative disorder

*Eddie: you have to insert the mental penis.

Kari: Like I said, He's very "special". i think you'd have to HAVE a mental penis, which he obviously doesn't, since he doesn't have mental balls

Gigi:Kari, the other women in the group and I have ovaries of diamond.
Much more useful, and valuable, than balls.

*John: Gigi thats really fuckin nice making fun of people with serious diseases. I don't make fun of you for your religion, which is a choice, unlike a diseases. You dumb fucking jooish bitch

Alright Kari what a great line. How would you like to see my real penis?

Kari: I REALLY wouldn't, btw. Small things give me a superiority complex

Gigi: And that was a sexual advance towards a minor.
Good job, John! Are you trying to break every rule tonight?

As for mental diseases, they are treatable with the proper care. Are you reaching out for help? I'm sure there are resources in your area

Kari: John, r u saying that it is an insult to people of disability to be compared to you??
And i thought u were cocky...

*John:Well since I'm a minor then no its not against the law you fuckin joo. And don't worry Kari I don't think your "ovaries of diamond" or pussy could handle me so you don't have to worry about that

*Matt: i would like to apologize for the very rude and distasteful things i said about women. It was very wrong and i would like to apologize for what was said in the heat of the moment. This probably wont mean much but watever

Kari:Good to know, JohnI was afraid I wouldn't be able to fight off some wimpy little boy!

Sexual harrassment either way!!ur lucky im such a "take things in stride" sort of person

Yeah, Matt really doesn't help much, you little fucker

*John: Kari it doesn't matter what you think, you're a woman. The only person who has less say is Gigi cause she is a joo too.

Kari:*again, a deep, calming breath*

John, you wouldn't be here if u didn't care what we thought. U claim to be a sexist, racist ass hole and I am sure ur right, but you are also a pathetic little boy who didn't get enough attention from mommy or maybe too much attention from daddy

*Eddie:how dare you say that to John! he killed his parents because they didnt give him enough lunch money, not cuz they didnt pay attention to him. why are you putting up with this bullshit? is it cuz mommy isnt around and you have no one to talk to since all your friends think your a retard? ive honestly only talked here for like 20min, and ive gotten exponentionally dumber from the things youve had to say.

*John: You know Kari you're right I've been a bad boy. Can you give me a spanking?

Kari: Sexual Harrassment, again John. Sorry, I don't fuck republicans. Little rule of mine.
I also don't fuck chauvinists or pro-lifers and ur oh for three.

*Eddie: what was that John, you said you dont fuck bitches who dont cook and clean on demand? haha, id make the exception too ;)

Kari: Thanks Eddie, I am so flattered by ur chauvinism!
Maybe the three of you should fuck each other and see if it's possible for something OTHER than the devil to be born

*Eddie : your welcome Kari. did you know that 6% of all suicides in america are directly related to me somehow? you could help make that 7%. and just a lil fun fact, i have diamond sperm which was touched by the devil, so its highly unlikely that anything other then evil be produced. my baby would be similar to you! =)

*Matt: Umm Kari not possible there is not more room in my jean shorts they are really tight u can acually see the vein in my dick thats how tight they are

Kari: Wow. Ur trying SO hard to be reported! Are that desperate for attention from Tom??

*Eddie: i would do anything to get attention from Tom. you know what gets my dick hard? Tom, and famine victims

Kari: Wow, you seem to think that you effect me enough to cause suicide. how conceited

*Eddie: indeed, and it seems to me that im not trying hard enough, on the other hand, when you make fun of me, you deff get me hard enough

Kari: Oh, goodie!A psycho, mysogynist, and pervert all in ONE.I really didn't think it was possible!

*Eddie: ohhhh, there is much much more Kari. im a serial rapist/killer. sometimes when i see old ppl i get the urge to slap them in the face. i kick dogs. i punch babies in the kidneys. i make fun of poor ppl. i despise orphans. i hate gypsys. ummm and there is still much more, so a psycho is a pretty general term to cover all of that.

*Matt: Oh and Kari it is misogynist but ur a women and the fact that u cant spell is assumed. And to clear this whole thing up i dont hate women i just prefer them naked and quiet

Kari: I am NOT going to report you, so stop trying to god damn hard.

It's sad and makes me pity you even more. I feel guilty when i debate with someone obviously not up for the challenge

that's funny, bc i prefer my men fully clothed and able to speak their minds, rather than their parents' minds

*Eddie: well, lumberjack matt, John, and all you young nobleMEN and scholars, except gigi, kari, and that one girl that commented once, i wish you all a merry arbor day when it rolls around, and for all you good girls out there who didnt say anything, keep strong ovaries, and an even stronger spirit in these hard times. i really need to stress that i dont want gigi and kari to have strong spirits tho...

Kari: Too bad, eddie, bc I am in a great mood. Generally, debating with idiots reminds me that I'll be the one to come out on top. I really only feel bad for your future wives, if you can ever get
smart enough to trick a woman into marrying you

*Eddie: no need for tricks, ill just straight rape them. and fyi, when i try to be nice to you, i feel like a nazi trying to be nice to a jew, no offense gigi... well a little, so your lucky im in a good mood. i shoulda reported you along time ago for even being on a computer.

Kari: What a pathetic attempt to insult my gender, again. I am proud to be an intelligent, strong woman, so those little cracks don't even phase me. I don't have to TRY to be nice to you. It comes naturally, bc i think before i speak, rather than spouting off the first thing that comes to my head. Fortunately for you, it seems as though both your heads are on the same page

[x] factor (originally posted Nov. 8, 2008)

Wow, they don't have a 'relationships' or 'love' category for the blog. Weird.
Anyways, that is what this is about. But it is not a 'relationship' exactly. I am not even sure what I would call it. But now I'm getting confusing, so I will explain.
There is this guy. He is a great guy, from what I do know about him. I do know that he is great fun to be around, he is smart, and, obviously, the sexiest, hottest thing that ever walked on two legs. He is very set on his future plans, something I think is great, though what he wants to do scares me a little. He makes me laugh, nearly every time he opens his mouth and that's amazing. He's also just so intriguing. Once you talk to him, you instantly want to know know about him, want to sit and just talk for hours about everything. At least I do.
But, obviously, there is a problem. There is something weird between us, something I really don't know if i can explain properly. The few friends that do know about don't quite understand it, but I will go back to the very beginning and just tell everything.
One day, I was [somewhere] with a group of people, some I knew intimately, some I only knew by face, and some I did not know at all. Now, I can no longer recall whet her I had ever seen him before, whether I would recognize him as a student at our school, or whether i had just never seen him in my life, but that part of my life, before him, doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. I was glancing around the [area], scanning the crowd, and my eyes caught with a boy whose name I didn't know. Maybe he was just scanning the [area] too, or maybe he'd been looking at me, but our eyes caught, for the first time. I will never forget that, not as long as I live.
So, throughout the rest of my time with that [group] that day, our eyes met many more times. It was one of those things where you look to see if they're looking and they do the same, but you also just want to look, because, like I said before, major sexiness. I went home, him slightly on my mind. He had been introduced, so I knew his name by this point, but I still had no real idea of who he was. the next day, the group met again, as it would for many, many days to come. This time, I noted when I saw him in the halls at school, and our eyes caught plenty of time then too, the habit being formed. Througout the next few days, during school and the other thing, our eyes met constantly whenever we were in proximity. Often I would catch my self staring at him, but also catch him looking for long periods of time at me. Now, this *thing*, this constantly meeting eyes, DOES NOT STOP, through any of the next events. Actually, it still hasn't stopped. I know it doesn't sound like much, this weird meeting of the eyes, but think about a situation where you couldn't seem to keep your eyes off a person and they couldn't keep them off you. Anyways, it feels like a lot more to me than it sounds.
This [group] was where we exchanged our first acknowledging of each other, a given and received wave and smile. Then, a few days later, words followed. That was it, for a little while longer.
The big break came with [Tom] inviting me to walk with him to a [place]. [Tom] was friends with both me and [x]factor (I call him that because he is a variable, an unknown) and when I saw that [x]factor was also going along, I immediately agreed to go with them. And we talked. I remember certain topics and certain words that were exchanged, like when he began to make fun of my music. I still have no idea what type of music he is into. Just another curiosity. I understand now, looking back, that [Tom] was our buffer, the thing that pulled us into conversation while we were still not ready to be alone together. [Tom] was there the first few times that [x]factor and I were together outside of the larger group. Anyways, we were joking with each other instantly, talking and addressing each other. [Tom] didn't say much, at least not after we berated him for talking too much. After that, the whole group got together and we all joked, but [x]factor was the center.
After that, just a couple days later, [Tom], [x]factor and I walked together twice in one day. Now, remember, the whole looking thing has not stopped. When we were actually in the middle of a conversation, it wasn't happening, but during school and any other time when words weren't being exchanged, it was glance ping-pong.
We talked easily when we were talking, about so many things. We joked about awkward things, talked of shoes(my hated for them) and just a large range of topics. After that day, [x]factor and I walked that second path two or three times, completely alone. And still, we talked. I was happy.
Then the [group] ended. We didn't see each other on that path and we didn't talk in school. But the looks didn't end.
Summer came and passed, him on my mind more often than not. Part of me hoped I would get over him, because by this time, I really, really liked him. Part of me hoped he would make the first move. Part of me wanted to never see him again (I was offered a chance to change schools, and the situation with him was a big deciding factor) But we came back to school, and things had not changed one fucking bit. Still the looks, but now there were classes involved. I spend my time during those classes hoping that i will be brought into attention so he'll have to look at me or that he'll be brought into attention so that I can look at him. Luckily, we are both favorites of the teacher, so it is quite often.
We still look at each other a lot, in class and in the halls, and I often change my path of walking when he is near, sometimes to be closer, sometimes to be farther from him. Our paths between classes are set, so I always know when I will see him, so he can only take me off guard before school or when one of us is not where we usually are. Lately, that's been a lot.
Part of me hates him for affecting me soo much, part of me is enamored with his every word and movement, part of me is annoyed, part of me hopeful, part of me resigned. Is it possible to be quint-polar??
I have talked to him since school started. A few times. But they were each singular incidences that don't seem possible to start us back to that much happier, much easier time. Now, I am just waiting. Waiting until he makes a move, waiting until I do, waiting for divine intervention and waiting for the day when our time together is over forever.

Add on:
We haven't talked now for almost two months. I have been trying so hard to just get over him. But, I realized recently that I WON'T. I won't be able to get over him while I am forced/able to see him nearly every day. And, judging by how little the three month summer affected my fixation, I am guessing that it will be a while after we're separated before I can move on. So, what now? We still have about 6 months before the next long term separation... Should I just let it continue until then, then go get super social and find some other guy to fixate on while I don't have [x]factor as a distraction (because I can't even get interested in other guys when he is around)? Or should I try to make more progess in getting close to him? When will it get to be too much, when will I snap?

New Start Feeling (originally posted Oct. 24, 2008)

In case you hadn't figured it out yet, i just got internet at my house for the first time, which is huge for me. I've never been able to consistently keep up with everything online, and i can't wait until its second nature.
Lately, my life has been much more hectic and scattered. Junior year actually takes work and i'm not used to that. All this extra effort is odd, but im actaully enjoying it. I feel like im finally doing something, at least academically. I've never had to work for good grades because it comes so easy for me and i think that this has deprived me of a crucial life experience. Hopefully, it gets harder.
Things with my family are just like they always are. I get along pretty well with my dad and my two oldest brothers. My mom and sister are not exactly in my fan club and i never know what to think of Brad. Brad's gf, Heather, is pregnant again andi am really happy for them, whether it will be easy or not. braydon is the best behaved toddler i've ever met, which is saying something. he is adorable and sweet and really smart. Don, Tabby and her daughters are in Georgia and i really miss having my brother around. He is more like me than anyone else in my family. Kate, eric's gf, is someone that is easy to talk to and has the lfie experiences behind her advice. I rarely see anyone outside fo this group, though many live less than ten minutes from here. i miss them, but i guess i'll just have to learn to deal.This year, for the first time ever, my social life is stable. i have a ton of really great friends who are all so much fun to be around and who give great advice. its weird, knowing that all of them actually care. Vikki and Eddie and Chelsea are great. Vikki especially, knows how to cheer me up and i know that i can trust her. She and i have had our rocky years, but im so glad to have her in the end. Tana and Ray and Ashley get it. They know how to have fun, no matter how silly or crazy. Tana and i have been through a lot together, both being the only people at kingsley who really knew Brooke. She loves to talk and helps distract me from the bad things in my life. i hope i do the same for her. Mykayla is... undescribable. She's crazy and cooky and so much fun. Again, we didn't always get along, but somehow we ended up the best of friends when it was all said and done. I think she probably knows more about my than any other human on the planet. And then, of course, there's Brittany. Brittany moved to Kingsley for less than six months last semester and i got really close to her. We did pretty much everything in school together and we had more in common than i've had with anyone else i've ever met. I hate that no one seems to remember who she is, because she is so amazing. i miss her like crazy and hope nothing has gotten screwed up in her life since the last time i've talked to her, because the fates seem to like screwing with her. They all have helped me through issues and allowed me to have fun and i am so grateful to that.
College. It's weird that i already have to start thinking seriously about that. I've already signed up to take the ACT in February and plan to take it again in April, after the one in the school. Im concerned about the SAT, which i have to take to get into my number one college: Columbia University. Besides being located in New York City, which i count as a plus, they are everything that i want in higher learning. They have my major, which has been so difficult to find, and they are a large, prestigious school. i really hope to get in. My first back-up, as of now, is University of Michigan, though i like the Michigan State campus more. The biggest problem will not be getting into a good college, it will be paying for a good college. i have no college fund and must pay for it all through scholarships and loans. Yeah. Hopefully, i will get a lot of scholarships.
After college, i honestly have no idea where i will end up. The greatest part is that i don't have to decide. My career path gives me the opportunity to go wherever and move whenever. i can work from anywhere i want. for a long time, i was set on South Caroline and i may still end up there, for a period fo time at least. but im beginning to fal back in love with winter. Well, not back in love, since ive always hated it, but im really starting to appreciate the season. I want to spend some time in Washington state, thanks of course to Stephenie Meyer, my idol. Though her main character may hate the weather, i love rain, so im all for it. California seems interesting and i would love to check out more of the east. For all i know, i may end up back in Michigan.
The one thing i do know about after college is my writing. i am in the process of writing many books from many different serieses. Thanks to the advice of Eddie, i am working on one book until it is finished, which i hope to accomplish by christmas. Key word there is hope.
So, to conclude (btw,i hate that phrase), i'm online if you want to chat. I've got plenty to talk about if you've got the time.