*sigh* Things have been turbulent, as always. Mom and Dad have been bickering a lot and she and I had a pretty good discussion on what's going to be happening in the near future. Still not sure exactly what's going on with me yet. Trying to make everyone happy, including myself, while also doing what's best for me. Not easy, seeing as none of the possible options fits into that very narrow category. I want to repay my father for all that he's done and make sure that he knows he will always be my father, no matter what, but I don't know if that's the best thing I can do for me right now. I will probably just wait until everyone else has figured out what they are doing and then make a decision. Idk.
School is going well, as always. Exams are over and they definitely exhausted me. As long as I have a A or A- or B+ on my Contemporary Lit. exam, I will have a 4.0 for the semester and my GPA will go way up!! I was most worried about my English exam, and I got B+, which still worked out to give me an A for the semester, so goodie for me!! I would normally just blow it off, but I really worked hard last semester to get where I am, so I am really proud of myself for having done so well.
Buckley came by the school today. I was really happy to see him, though I could only talk for a few seconds, since Vikki was waiting and I don't like to keep Vikki waiting. He attacked me from behind, but idc. It's Buckley. After all we've been through, he can pretty much do what he wants. :)
Haven't been online much lately, so don't get mad at me for not having written in a while, JT. It's cold and I haven't felt like wasting time on FB. Getting better at avoiding the "wasting time" part...
I got to babysit on Saturday. I had the Breithupts and the Beis girls, except for Kylie, the Mexican baby. I was sad that I didn't have her, but I still had a lot of fun. Kelsey had some troubles going to sleep, but she'd passed out by the time her parents got there. Got to watch the movie Bratz, which i surprisingly didn't hate. Also got a few rows done on my blanket. It's really coming along, more thanks to my lack of interest in the computer than any sudden burst in speed.
Heather's baby shower was a lot of fun. You could tell Braydon likes us the most, since he spent about an hour on mom's lap and would only come out of the back room when I asked if he wanted to go see "memah" He's still SOOO cute.
My night with aunt marcia was amazing. I'd forgotten how much I missed her. She cut and layered my hair, something I doubt anyone's noticed, but it still looks better. Kelly wasn't too much of a pain (LOL), and I got to see the very grumpy and very big Stacey. She's def. ready to pop.
TTFN!!
XOXO
Kari Richelle
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Today
Today was pretty interesting. It was the first day of exams, which would terrify most people, but not me. I know I aced my Spanish and Pre-Calculus exams, simply because I always knew the answer to the questions, or at least how to get there for Pre-Calc. Web was also really easy. She graded them and posted grades before class was even out. I got a 99.15%. yeah me!!
After school was interesting. I had track pre-training today. Mrs. Schaar decided that we should start training and shaping up before actual season starts on March 9th. we can't actually touch the equipment until then, but we can do everything else. Us awesome shot/disk kids went to Wyse two weeks ago and said we wanted to practice, but today was the first time any of us could make it. For the first time ever, Wyse had us doing actual physical work. Usually it's just forms forms forms. But we did footwork stuff, which was much more *work* than it sounds and medicine ball stuff, which was also more *work* than it sounds, simply bc of the stuff we were actually doing. then we went and worked on forms, but not for long. then he let us go.
I had been reminded earlier in the day that i had signed up that night to sell tickets at the wrestling meet for student council. that started at 5:15 and it was about 4 when wyse let us go. so, i called my mom and we decided that I would just hang at the school until 5, sell the tickets, then watch the meet until they got back from having dinner with Aunt Tiff and Jerry. The meet was awesome. We didn't lose ONE match. Undefeated, at least for this meet. All the guys were really good (and looked really good, too:)) Not everyone got to wrestle bc frankfort only had two people and mancelona only had 11 or so. We've got pry 20 or 25, so the guys have to sit out a bunch.
then i waited around til mom and dad got there. I would normally have walked, but i don't own boots and my good socks were in the laundry. The snow is 2 maybe 2 1/2 feet on the entire trail and there are no sidewalks on Kingsley rd, so it's either the three feet of snow on side of road or middle of rd. Not to mention it's about 4 degrees on a good day. (Jt I hate you!!! )
Now i am sitting on the computer (not actually ON it. It's just an expression). exams tomorrow for civics and contemp. lit. Mr. Baker promised that we'd have a lot of writing to do, but civics should be easy. Enjoyable class either way, if nothign else... it's gonna be weird not having the everyday class on fri, but i'm sure i'll survive :) i'll still see moran on fri for world history, which is the exam that I MUST get an A on. I can get A-'s on all the others, but MUST get an A in world.
Going to Aunt Marcia and Kelly's tomorrow. that'll be a little weird. But I miss Aunt Marcia. I never see any of that family. I haven't seen Stacy since before she found out she was pregnant and she's almost due.
XOXO
Kari Richelle
After school was interesting. I had track pre-training today. Mrs. Schaar decided that we should start training and shaping up before actual season starts on March 9th. we can't actually touch the equipment until then, but we can do everything else. Us awesome shot/disk kids went to Wyse two weeks ago and said we wanted to practice, but today was the first time any of us could make it. For the first time ever, Wyse had us doing actual physical work. Usually it's just forms forms forms. But we did footwork stuff, which was much more *work* than it sounds and medicine ball stuff, which was also more *work* than it sounds, simply bc of the stuff we were actually doing. then we went and worked on forms, but not for long. then he let us go.
I had been reminded earlier in the day that i had signed up that night to sell tickets at the wrestling meet for student council. that started at 5:15 and it was about 4 when wyse let us go. so, i called my mom and we decided that I would just hang at the school until 5, sell the tickets, then watch the meet until they got back from having dinner with Aunt Tiff and Jerry. The meet was awesome. We didn't lose ONE match. Undefeated, at least for this meet. All the guys were really good (and looked really good, too:)) Not everyone got to wrestle bc frankfort only had two people and mancelona only had 11 or so. We've got pry 20 or 25, so the guys have to sit out a bunch.
then i waited around til mom and dad got there. I would normally have walked, but i don't own boots and my good socks were in the laundry. The snow is 2 maybe 2 1/2 feet on the entire trail and there are no sidewalks on Kingsley rd, so it's either the three feet of snow on side of road or middle of rd. Not to mention it's about 4 degrees on a good day. (Jt I hate you!!! )
Now i am sitting on the computer (not actually ON it. It's just an expression). exams tomorrow for civics and contemp. lit. Mr. Baker promised that we'd have a lot of writing to do, but civics should be easy. Enjoyable class either way, if nothign else... it's gonna be weird not having the everyday class on fri, but i'm sure i'll survive :) i'll still see moran on fri for world history, which is the exam that I MUST get an A on. I can get A-'s on all the others, but MUST get an A in world.
Going to Aunt Marcia and Kelly's tomorrow. that'll be a little weird. But I miss Aunt Marcia. I never see any of that family. I haven't seen Stacy since before she found out she was pregnant and she's almost due.
XOXO
Kari Richelle
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Lonely and drained
I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I sort of feel exhausted, like, all the time. I've been getting a pretty good amount of sleep and, with it being 5 degrees outside and covered in ice, I haven't been running around a lot either. I yawn at random times in the day and feel no need to do anything. I've gotten a little bit of work done on some of my novels, but not as much as I'd like to. I mean, I have barely been online all week and not at all since Thursday. I've lost all desire for that, too. I've also found myself wanting to spend more time downstairs, rather than in my room. That's weird, as most people would know. I usually can't get enough of just hanging in my room, writing. Maybe it's because it's cold. But I don't think so.
I think it might have more to do with boredom. I think I'm bored with my life. That might not sound like such a huge deal, but it is to me. I've never really been bored with my turbulent life before. There's always been something to capture my attention, to keep me occupied. You'd think I'd have more than enough right now, with all that's going on: Braydon, the new baby, exams, the weather, Vikki's problems, my parents...., my blanket, school, facebook, Obama's inauguration, MaryJean, Mykayla, and, though I swore I wouldn't mention it in this blog, [x] factor... But nothing can keep me from just wanting away from it all. There's been many times in my life when I've wanted a big change, but I don't think I've ever needed it so badly. Which is strange, because Kelly moving out was somewhat of a big shift. Now, we are allies.
But she wants me to strictly take her side on all of this.... But I can't. I can't take anyone's side, since they never took mine. Kelly bullied me around my entire life, and my mother joined her in the last three. My father tried, but was reluctant to go against my mother, who was reluctant to go against Kelly, at least when it came to me. In fights or disagreements or whatever between myself and Kelly over the last three years, my mother took my side one time. In three years. And my dad sided with them more often than not. He might try... but he would give in. And then, things just blew up between me and him when he started having serious problems with Kelly. Mostly because I felt this stupid, teenage instinct to side with the sibling over the parent. So, how can I forget all of that and say one person is right over the other? I can't. My dad is wrong in this, for being a tyrannical person when it came to us moving out. My sister has done me so many wrongs in the past, yet sees nothing wrong with any of it. My mother, though truthfully seems to have the best hold on the situation, is asking the same thing of me that Kelly is: to forget the past completely, to forget that there were times when I would cry in my room for hours out of hatred and hurt, to forget that I could never do anything right unless I laid down like a doormat, to forget that what I am is never good enough. My mother tries to remind me of all that Kelly has done, but she doesn't seem to understand that she was just as wrong in all of that, that if I can't forgive Kelly, then I can't forgive her either. But still I have to pick a side or lose them all. Much as I have hated my mother and sister in the past, I still want to have relationships with them, which is stupid, I know. I know that the level they degraded me to was one in which few could ever forgive, but I can't justify losing my family either, simply because they are my family. And I can mostly forgive my father, but his temper is out of control. He stresses the little things and his fuse can blow at any time, when he suddenly gets mad at everyone for no reason. He is a great man, but he sacrificed too much for us, leaving little left for anyone to hold onto.
And I know there is a big change ahead of my, maybe just a few short months away or maybe even sooner. And I have no idea what I'll do when the time comes... A fight between what's wanted, what's needed, and what's best. I'm terrified. I've had over three years to ponder my decision (the similar years is just a coincidence...), yet I haven't found a path that would work.
Maybe it is just the weather that has sent this complete desolateness into my life. Maybe it's the constant cold and lack of color. Maybe it's the cost of heat and danger of driving that puts everyone else on edge and causes me to shrink back into myself. I don't know. Maybe I just need someone to talk to, someone that won't judge or think I'm crazy. But also someone that will actually care and understand. Someone that wants to know more about me, but would also earn my trust. I used to pray for this person to come, back when I believed praying would help. Now all I can do is hope that this person is apart of my near future, that I won't be alone forever.
I think it might have more to do with boredom. I think I'm bored with my life. That might not sound like such a huge deal, but it is to me. I've never really been bored with my turbulent life before. There's always been something to capture my attention, to keep me occupied. You'd think I'd have more than enough right now, with all that's going on: Braydon, the new baby, exams, the weather, Vikki's problems, my parents...., my blanket, school, facebook, Obama's inauguration, MaryJean, Mykayla, and, though I swore I wouldn't mention it in this blog, [x] factor... But nothing can keep me from just wanting away from it all. There's been many times in my life when I've wanted a big change, but I don't think I've ever needed it so badly. Which is strange, because Kelly moving out was somewhat of a big shift. Now, we are allies.
But she wants me to strictly take her side on all of this.... But I can't. I can't take anyone's side, since they never took mine. Kelly bullied me around my entire life, and my mother joined her in the last three. My father tried, but was reluctant to go against my mother, who was reluctant to go against Kelly, at least when it came to me. In fights or disagreements or whatever between myself and Kelly over the last three years, my mother took my side one time. In three years. And my dad sided with them more often than not. He might try... but he would give in. And then, things just blew up between me and him when he started having serious problems with Kelly. Mostly because I felt this stupid, teenage instinct to side with the sibling over the parent. So, how can I forget all of that and say one person is right over the other? I can't. My dad is wrong in this, for being a tyrannical person when it came to us moving out. My sister has done me so many wrongs in the past, yet sees nothing wrong with any of it. My mother, though truthfully seems to have the best hold on the situation, is asking the same thing of me that Kelly is: to forget the past completely, to forget that there were times when I would cry in my room for hours out of hatred and hurt, to forget that I could never do anything right unless I laid down like a doormat, to forget that what I am is never good enough. My mother tries to remind me of all that Kelly has done, but she doesn't seem to understand that she was just as wrong in all of that, that if I can't forgive Kelly, then I can't forgive her either. But still I have to pick a side or lose them all. Much as I have hated my mother and sister in the past, I still want to have relationships with them, which is stupid, I know. I know that the level they degraded me to was one in which few could ever forgive, but I can't justify losing my family either, simply because they are my family. And I can mostly forgive my father, but his temper is out of control. He stresses the little things and his fuse can blow at any time, when he suddenly gets mad at everyone for no reason. He is a great man, but he sacrificed too much for us, leaving little left for anyone to hold onto.
And I know there is a big change ahead of my, maybe just a few short months away or maybe even sooner. And I have no idea what I'll do when the time comes... A fight between what's wanted, what's needed, and what's best. I'm terrified. I've had over three years to ponder my decision (the similar years is just a coincidence...), yet I haven't found a path that would work.
Maybe it is just the weather that has sent this complete desolateness into my life. Maybe it's the constant cold and lack of color. Maybe it's the cost of heat and danger of driving that puts everyone else on edge and causes me to shrink back into myself. I don't know. Maybe I just need someone to talk to, someone that won't judge or think I'm crazy. But also someone that will actually care and understand. Someone that wants to know more about me, but would also earn my trust. I used to pray for this person to come, back when I believed praying would help. Now all I can do is hope that this person is apart of my near future, that I won't be alone forever.
Friday, January 9, 2009
New Year!!!!!
First of all, I'd just like to say that 2009 had better be just as good as the end of and better than the beginning of 2008. If that's not too much to ask.....
So, not much been going on with me. I finished this huge project in Contemporary Lit. We had to do a journal of ourselves as "drifters", like Holden in Catcher In the Rye. Minimums: five places, one page journals, eight journals. Well, I went to eight places. Started out in New York after college, then went to Athens, London, Madrid, Peru, Kenya, Sydney, Hawaii, and finally back "home" to Kingsley, Michigan. It ended up being 20 pages.... that's nothing though. This was a min. 8 page that became 20. Freshman year, we had to do a diary on a book. Min 4 page. Can you guess the actual total of mine? No? Oh, I'll feed you baby birds!! With the cover page, map (i did Eldest), and two page background, it was 31 pages. That's 27 total of the actual diary. Yes, I AM an over-achiever. Thank you for noticing!!!
I also have a paper due for English that I am not working on.... whoops. The book was amazing* and the paper should be pretty easy when I actually do it, but I also am gonna end up wanting it to be perfect and blah blah blah..... so it will pry take a full day to finish.... UGH!!!
Braydon came over tonight. He was SOOO cute. He was in a really, really good mood. It was really adorable*. He was giggling and laughing and gasping speaking in full sentences and making PHONES out of blocks. that blew me away... soo smart.
Things with the gang (Vikki, Eddie, and Zac) have been pretty good. Apparently Eddie and Zac are fighting, but that's their business. They're both cool with me as far as I know, so it's all good. Yeah. Vikki's Nate is thinking of heading into the Navy and she wants..... well, never mind. Her brother is going to help him get everything settled. Vikki could very well end up an military wife like her sister-in-law, assuming the economy stays bad and Nate can't find a good-paying job before then. For her sake.... well, really, I think she could handle it, either way. She's just as tough as my cousin Shaye.
Speaking of Shaye, CHAD'S HOME!!! It's all I talked about Monday and I have been bugging Vikki about it all week. He is finally out of Iraq with any degree of permanence. I am so completely ecstatic that he's back home with his family, where he belongs. :D
My parents are.... not doing well. But I knew that. I've known that since I was 13. But it's getting serious, as I've been warned for the last three years that it would. I don't know what I want and I don't know what I'll do, and the not-knowing is all I know.
He looked at me a bunch today. Made me happy, like it always does. Still hasn't gone anywhere, though I know that talking to him, getting back over that barrier, would really solve so much. [group] might be starting again. I wonder if he'll be along this time..... It's all come so fast. I remember back in September when I had nearly ten months to make something happen before the next summer. Now I only have five. that's half, for any of those math-deficient people. It's gone by so fast..... though these next few months should be really active.... I don't know exactly what I could say. Do I just go up and say Hi, how have you been in the last eight months? Are we still not talking?? Or, maybe something a little more out-there?? Hey, so question: If you saw me on the side of the road this time of year and you were driving by, would you stop and pick me up? To which he would obviously ask What? Then I would simply say, well, since it's not awkward for us to randomly stare at each other, why can't we ask random questions? couldn't think of a reason, so you get the joy of answering a random question. yeah, I know. I'm obssessed. But I can't help it. I don't want to lose him, but I am so afraid of being rejected. I think the biggest reason is bc I am afraid that the staring won't stop after he rejects me and it will hurt that much more..... I don't want to be a coward, but could I handle not being able to keep my eyes away from a guy who told me no? Who couldn't help but look at me either? .... conflicted, as always.
Oh, and something cool. I got Student of the Month. Shocker, I know. It was for Web Design with Mrs. Lewis. Though, I still hold the record for most awards by different teachers in one month. Last year, in Dec. I got three, which I was informed was a school record. I am awesomer. You may now commence applauding *******************************************************
*************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************* You may now stop feeling awkward for NOT clapping. :)
Been drinking lots of coffee and my back's been killing me..... more coffee...... On that subject, eric bought new coffee and creamer, which I am allowed full access to, since I was the one that got him back into coffee. it's good too. French Vanilla. and I crush my peppermint log to put in each cup. It's really delicious. I have gotten really good at flavoring my coffee with things at home. Half a packet per cup of hot choco mix works well, vanilla, and crushed peppermint. All great alone and pry taste good all together too. ...
Well, I think that's good for now. Peace Out
XOXO
Kari Richelle
So, not much been going on with me. I finished this huge project in Contemporary Lit. We had to do a journal of ourselves as "drifters", like Holden in Catcher In the Rye. Minimums: five places, one page journals, eight journals. Well, I went to eight places. Started out in New York after college, then went to Athens, London, Madrid, Peru, Kenya, Sydney, Hawaii, and finally back "home" to Kingsley, Michigan. It ended up being 20 pages.... that's nothing though. This was a min. 8 page that became 20. Freshman year, we had to do a diary on a book. Min 4 page. Can you guess the actual total of mine? No? Oh, I'll feed you baby birds!! With the cover page, map (i did Eldest), and two page background, it was 31 pages. That's 27 total of the actual diary. Yes, I AM an over-achiever. Thank you for noticing!!!
I also have a paper due for English that I am not working on.... whoops. The book was amazing* and the paper should be pretty easy when I actually do it, but I also am gonna end up wanting it to be perfect and blah blah blah..... so it will pry take a full day to finish.... UGH!!!
Braydon came over tonight. He was SOOO cute. He was in a really, really good mood. It was really adorable*. He was giggling and laughing and gasping speaking in full sentences and making PHONES out of blocks. that blew me away... soo smart.
Things with the gang (Vikki, Eddie, and Zac) have been pretty good. Apparently Eddie and Zac are fighting, but that's their business. They're both cool with me as far as I know, so it's all good. Yeah. Vikki's Nate is thinking of heading into the Navy and she wants..... well, never mind. Her brother is going to help him get everything settled. Vikki could very well end up an military wife like her sister-in-law, assuming the economy stays bad and Nate can't find a good-paying job before then. For her sake.... well, really, I think she could handle it, either way. She's just as tough as my cousin Shaye.
Speaking of Shaye, CHAD'S HOME!!! It's all I talked about Monday and I have been bugging Vikki about it all week. He is finally out of Iraq with any degree of permanence. I am so completely ecstatic that he's back home with his family, where he belongs. :D
My parents are.... not doing well. But I knew that. I've known that since I was 13. But it's getting serious, as I've been warned for the last three years that it would. I don't know what I want and I don't know what I'll do, and the not-knowing is all I know.
He looked at me a bunch today. Made me happy, like it always does. Still hasn't gone anywhere, though I know that talking to him, getting back over that barrier, would really solve so much. [group] might be starting again. I wonder if he'll be along this time..... It's all come so fast. I remember back in September when I had nearly ten months to make something happen before the next summer. Now I only have five. that's half, for any of those math-deficient people. It's gone by so fast..... though these next few months should be really active.... I don't know exactly what I could say. Do I just go up and say Hi, how have you been in the last eight months? Are we still not talking?? Or, maybe something a little more out-there?? Hey, so question: If you saw me on the side of the road this time of year and you were driving by, would you stop and pick me up? To which he would obviously ask What? Then I would simply say, well, since it's not awkward for us to randomly stare at each other, why can't we ask random questions? couldn't think of a reason, so you get the joy of answering a random question. yeah, I know. I'm obssessed. But I can't help it. I don't want to lose him, but I am so afraid of being rejected. I think the biggest reason is bc I am afraid that the staring won't stop after he rejects me and it will hurt that much more..... I don't want to be a coward, but could I handle not being able to keep my eyes away from a guy who told me no? Who couldn't help but look at me either? .... conflicted, as always.
Oh, and something cool. I got Student of the Month. Shocker, I know. It was for Web Design with Mrs. Lewis. Though, I still hold the record for most awards by different teachers in one month. Last year, in Dec. I got three, which I was informed was a school record. I am awesomer. You may now commence applauding *******************************************************
*************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************* You may now stop feeling awkward for NOT clapping. :)
Been drinking lots of coffee and my back's been killing me..... more coffee...... On that subject, eric bought new coffee and creamer, which I am allowed full access to, since I was the one that got him back into coffee. it's good too. French Vanilla. and I crush my peppermint log to put in each cup. It's really delicious. I have gotten really good at flavoring my coffee with things at home. Half a packet per cup of hot choco mix works well, vanilla, and crushed peppermint. All great alone and pry taste good all together too. ...
Well, I think that's good for now. Peace Out
XOXO
Kari Richelle
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