My life has changed 100% since my last blog. And even within that, my life has seen massive changes throughout the last year. Friends coming and going, classes that made me think, frustrated me, broken hearts that I'm still trying to heal, discovering new interests, rediscovering parts of my youth that affected who I am today more than I ever realized.
Right now, at this moment, my life is a mess. But in some ways, that's how I like it because that's what I know best. Of course, there are some changes, the most prominent of these being my friends. Yes, my entire life I've dealt with one tragedy, one heartbreak, one complication after the other. That's no different than now. However, unlike the first 18 years of my life, I'm no longer dealing with all of this alone. I am proud to say that I overcame what I overcame on my own, that I did it while relying on no one but myself. But just because I can do it alone doesn't mean that I want to. Knowing that I have friends who will pull through for me when I really need them makes the next hurdle look a little less high, the next drought a little less dry. Some people think I've come to rely on these friends too much, that I'm putting too many of my eggs in one basket.
Maybe it's true that my life has come to revolve around these people and their lives. But even so, that doesn't mean that I don't have a life of my own, that I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces if all that I've created here were to come crashing down, as it usually does. I would pick up exactly where I left off, pushing through it alone to get to a place where I can say I'm happy. And there have been so many times this past year where that's exactly what I was. Happy. I've hit bumps. I've had to heal parts of myself that I didn't realize could break. I had to learn exactly where it is my priorities lie. And while I'm currently in a place that might just be harder than anything I've ever dealt with, I'm still pushing through. Despite the fact that I can't say that even one of my friends truly understands what I'm feeling. Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure even my closest friend thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion, that I'm being overdramatic. As much as it hurts that they feel that way when I feel like this, I'm okay with it. For me, it's just one more thing to deal with alone. I've had plenty of practice with that.
Now, when this aspect of one of my former lives isn't rearing its ugly, painful head into my chest, my life recently has been going rather well. Classes are still a struggle at times, but I push through. My friends are fantastic. I have more fun with them, being included in their lives, than I've ever had before. My friends come in all shapes and sizes and from all different groups, but they all have one thing in common: they actually give a shit about me. Now that, that was something that took some time for me to adjust to. And I have to say I like the way it looks from over here. My family is still going on about their day to day lives, growing and loving and being exactly who they've always been. I think that's what makes it so hard to visit them. I've changed soo much and they haven't changed at all. I feel as if I don't quite fit anymore... well, I never really felt like I fit, but now the incongruence has been made horribly obvious. The only person in my family whom I feel as if I can still relate to is my sister and she's so all over the place when it comes to me. When it's just the two of us, she is amazing. Someone I can talk to, get advice from. But around the rest of the family she's an entirely different person, one who really doesn't like me....
I miss my family. I miss certain aspects of my former life. But as much as I miss it all sometimes, as much as the nostalgia threatens to crush me if I let it hold me too long, I wouldn't give up my life now to go back. Not for all the money in the world. I'd take broken-hearted, damaged Kari with great friends and a future over that girl I was any day.
I'd even take the fact that in one hour, I have to stand up and face my biggest regret, my biggest pain, my biggest mistake. I have to stand up, see his face, hear his name, see the black heart behind his blue eyes... and smile.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
>% <-- that's my funny face
So, things are still going well. Kelly drove her car yesterday. . . HAHAHAHA. It was every permit/parent stereotype. Yelling, name calling and lots of bitching on both sides. truly hilarious. :D
I've been reading my werecat books and WOW, i forgot how good they were. I LOVE these books!! thank you Rachel Vincent!!!
Been listening to the Relapse and Recovery cds. Recovery is def my favorite. Don't get me wrong, I love Relapse. I just relate to Recovery more. So yeah, super glad I finally have them. Thank you Eric :)
Umm, one super horrible thing that's happening is my best friend, Mykayla, is moving on Sunday to her mom's in Saginaw. 2 hours from here, and hour and a half from Ann Arbor :(. It makes it soo much more real, with her leaving already. I'm truly going to miss everything. We've been through sooo much together, including all of high school and all the dumb drama to follow since. It's going to be soo weird, not spending my weekends at her dad's house, cleaning in her room, being dorks downstairs in the basement, walking for hours around her grandpa's fields, spending night sitting out at the garage, drinking nos and sharing all of our secrets. It's been an amazing ride girlfriend and I am truly going to miss you!
Well. . . I guess that's all for now. Tootles!!!
I've been reading my werecat books and WOW, i forgot how good they were. I LOVE these books!! thank you Rachel Vincent!!!
Been listening to the Relapse and Recovery cds. Recovery is def my favorite. Don't get me wrong, I love Relapse. I just relate to Recovery more. So yeah, super glad I finally have them. Thank you Eric :)
Umm, one super horrible thing that's happening is my best friend, Mykayla, is moving on Sunday to her mom's in Saginaw. 2 hours from here, and hour and a half from Ann Arbor :(. It makes it soo much more real, with her leaving already. I'm truly going to miss everything. We've been through sooo much together, including all of high school and all the dumb drama to follow since. It's going to be soo weird, not spending my weekends at her dad's house, cleaning in her room, being dorks downstairs in the basement, walking for hours around her grandpa's fields, spending night sitting out at the garage, drinking nos and sharing all of our secrets. It's been an amazing ride girlfriend and I am truly going to miss you!
Well. . . I guess that's all for now. Tootles!!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
:D
HI!!!! lol. So things in general are going pretty awesome. It's weird, but definitely a nice change from "normal". So yeah. Lately I've been trying to work on getting the house ready to move with my ma. We've started really getting into the attic, which is well, about as fun as it sounds :P Plus, I've semi-started to get back into my writing, which I've really missed. I've realized that a lot of the stories that I started back freshman and sophomore year don't really reflect who I want to be as a writer, but I'm hoping to seriously revisit them later and rework them. But there is one story, the one that I wrote for Contemporary Lit, that I really want to finish. It's hard because I really do like it the way it is, but I also want it to be more developed and longer. I just hope that in expanding it, I don't lose the voice and writing quality.
Um. . . Ma and I went to Harbor Days last night. The fireworks were absolutely stellar! Way blew Fife's 4th out of the water. I got video of most of them for my dad, who hasn't missed them in, like, 16 or 17 years. It really sucks not having him around :( He's missing out on soo much. . . He will be here the 28th!!! I'm so excited. I haven't seen him since the 14th of June, so nearly two months. But I suppose I need to get used to it . . . On the bright side, my ma and I have become really close in the past several months. There are still times when she irritates me, and vice versa, but we can laugh together and just hang out. Like, I can go hang out in her room and I dont hear "vacate" constantly. It's been really nice.
Kelly moves home today. . . . *sigh. It's gonna be a challenge, as anyone in this family who's lived with her knows. But we'll deal. And it is nice having her home cuz there are certain things I can only talk to her about. Sister thing. And she just bought a car. It's mega-nice. And pretty. Better than my ma's car. lol. So all she needs to do is get her license and we are set for the year. I'm sure she'll pry come up more often than I do, but I know that if I want/need to come up, I'll have a ride. So that's good. And I am well aware that it's HER car, jsyk.
So yeah, that's pretty much what's been going on with me. :)
Um. . . Ma and I went to Harbor Days last night. The fireworks were absolutely stellar! Way blew Fife's 4th out of the water. I got video of most of them for my dad, who hasn't missed them in, like, 16 or 17 years. It really sucks not having him around :( He's missing out on soo much. . . He will be here the 28th!!! I'm so excited. I haven't seen him since the 14th of June, so nearly two months. But I suppose I need to get used to it . . . On the bright side, my ma and I have become really close in the past several months. There are still times when she irritates me, and vice versa, but we can laugh together and just hang out. Like, I can go hang out in her room and I dont hear "vacate" constantly. It's been really nice.
Kelly moves home today. . . . *sigh. It's gonna be a challenge, as anyone in this family who's lived with her knows. But we'll deal. And it is nice having her home cuz there are certain things I can only talk to her about. Sister thing. And she just bought a car. It's mega-nice. And pretty. Better than my ma's car. lol. So all she needs to do is get her license and we are set for the year. I'm sure she'll pry come up more often than I do, but I know that if I want/need to come up, I'll have a ride. So that's good. And I am well aware that it's HER car, jsyk.
So yeah, that's pretty much what's been going on with me. :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Today was a good day
Today I met with the people who are sending me on my Outward Bound trip. The meeting went very well. I got to hear exactly how everything came about and why I was chosen. I also got to get to know Mr. and Mrs. Umlor, who are really nice and thankfully very laid back. We're getting things going and it's starting to feel real.
That's something I notice whenever I have something big like this planned. I can never see myself actually doing it, almost like something is going to stop it from happening. I noticed it first when I was 10 and 11 and we were getting ready for our Florida trip. I couldn't even imagine myself being there. It happened again before my sister and I went to Georgia to spend the summer with Shaye and again before my family went to Ohio. Now it's this trip, which barely even compares to how I feel about college. It's so weird because I have a great imagination and sometimes it almost feels like the things I imagine are real. Not in a psychotic way, just that I almost live the stories I tell. But I can't imagine it as actually being me, like I can't imagine good things happening to me.... Though it's different with my spring break trip, though this is the one that has been in the most jeapardy of not happening.
Anyways. So school is drawing to a close. That's exciting.... but it means SO many things. School means the end of the stability ive grown accustomed to and the house ive grown up in, the beginning of college, the separation from all of my family, and my first big move. It's all kinda coming together all at once and i somehow still have to get my schoolwork done.... I dont even know how im still functioning.
Ive kinda been more optimistic lately and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my family's financial situation is, for the moment, stable. I went on my first shopping spree yesterday. it was fun, but kinda stressful. We had to find shoes..... I dont like shoes and they dont like me. Also, we are on a search for bathingsuits.... not going so well. Nuff said. We are supposed to finish our shopping saturday, so we'll see.
ONLY FOUR SCHOOL DAYS LEFT TILL CAROLINAS!!!!!!
That's something I notice whenever I have something big like this planned. I can never see myself actually doing it, almost like something is going to stop it from happening. I noticed it first when I was 10 and 11 and we were getting ready for our Florida trip. I couldn't even imagine myself being there. It happened again before my sister and I went to Georgia to spend the summer with Shaye and again before my family went to Ohio. Now it's this trip, which barely even compares to how I feel about college. It's so weird because I have a great imagination and sometimes it almost feels like the things I imagine are real. Not in a psychotic way, just that I almost live the stories I tell. But I can't imagine it as actually being me, like I can't imagine good things happening to me.... Though it's different with my spring break trip, though this is the one that has been in the most jeapardy of not happening.
Anyways. So school is drawing to a close. That's exciting.... but it means SO many things. School means the end of the stability ive grown accustomed to and the house ive grown up in, the beginning of college, the separation from all of my family, and my first big move. It's all kinda coming together all at once and i somehow still have to get my schoolwork done.... I dont even know how im still functioning.
Ive kinda been more optimistic lately and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my family's financial situation is, for the moment, stable. I went on my first shopping spree yesterday. it was fun, but kinda stressful. We had to find shoes..... I dont like shoes and they dont like me. Also, we are on a search for bathingsuits.... not going so well. Nuff said. We are supposed to finish our shopping saturday, so we'll see.
ONLY FOUR SCHOOL DAYS LEFT TILL CAROLINAS!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Time, sweet precious time
I feel like there has been so much going on so I should blog, but i somehow don't know what to say...
First of all, the weather has been absolutfandidlyastic. It has been cloudy and rainy for a week and i have been loving it. I only hate it when i have to be in school on such perfect days. But now, i am out of school for a week. I dont think I really care about that at all. Missing school means we drop another week behind in calculus, applications have to be done without Mr. bialik, assignments are due that we're all going to forget about and a bunch other stuff. On the other hand, it means I have more time for reading and can spend a couple of days in fife (where I am now). My ma works while im supposed to be in school, so it doesn't really affect anything there....
College applications. nuff said.
I have been so busy lately. I can never get time to just fucking relax. Even when im reading its because im so behind and i have to catch up so i cant reread or go back. it is irritating. I watch tv to get ahead on dvr recordings and have to delete them so i cant rewatch them.... I dont have time to go for walks or sit and just think because all i can think about is all the crap i have to get done. things that used to be fun have now become jobs and i dont like it.
And the less time i have to think, the more confused i get because i dont get to ponder all those big, amazing concepts that just blow your mind while making everything make more sense... I want to be able to talk to myself for hours on end or sit and read super slow, taking in all the tiniest details that the author thought no one would notice or watch a tv show and rewind to catch all the cool things they talk about one more time or even just sit and listen to music, getting pulled in and letting myself cry over what a mess my life really is. Worst of all, the very worst thing that could happen: my body is starting to like sleep more than I can resist it. to some people, not a big deal. But what a humongous fricken waste of time that is, especially of the night because i HAvE to be awak during the day.... i feel drained and like I can't catch my breath. I just want some time.......
First of all, the weather has been absolutfandidlyastic. It has been cloudy and rainy for a week and i have been loving it. I only hate it when i have to be in school on such perfect days. But now, i am out of school for a week. I dont think I really care about that at all. Missing school means we drop another week behind in calculus, applications have to be done without Mr. bialik, assignments are due that we're all going to forget about and a bunch other stuff. On the other hand, it means I have more time for reading and can spend a couple of days in fife (where I am now). My ma works while im supposed to be in school, so it doesn't really affect anything there....
College applications. nuff said.
I have been so busy lately. I can never get time to just fucking relax. Even when im reading its because im so behind and i have to catch up so i cant reread or go back. it is irritating. I watch tv to get ahead on dvr recordings and have to delete them so i cant rewatch them.... I dont have time to go for walks or sit and just think because all i can think about is all the crap i have to get done. things that used to be fun have now become jobs and i dont like it.
And the less time i have to think, the more confused i get because i dont get to ponder all those big, amazing concepts that just blow your mind while making everything make more sense... I want to be able to talk to myself for hours on end or sit and read super slow, taking in all the tiniest details that the author thought no one would notice or watch a tv show and rewind to catch all the cool things they talk about one more time or even just sit and listen to music, getting pulled in and letting myself cry over what a mess my life really is. Worst of all, the very worst thing that could happen: my body is starting to like sleep more than I can resist it. to some people, not a big deal. But what a humongous fricken waste of time that is, especially of the night because i HAvE to be awak during the day.... i feel drained and like I can't catch my breath. I just want some time.......
Friday, October 16, 2009
A couple of blips
So this week was pretty hectic. At school just academic wise, we had a ton of new material in Calc, a paper due in English, an Advanced Bio project, Physics test, a ton of new Psych material, a crack-down in Astronomy, and a bunch of other crap that kept me busy as hell all week. However, Monday was pretty crappy for Kingsley. One of my teachers, one of my favorite teachers, did not show up to work Monday. The principal and another teacher went down to his house to find him, his wife and two kids barely conscious with CO poisoning. They were taken to the hospital, the parents having to go to Grand Rapids (where the major Michigan hospital is). They are all doing much better now, but we have an asshole sub in Psych that i just want to hit. Also on Monday, the elementary ceiling fell, and two girls passed out in the high school. Bad start to the week.
The one really, really, really good thing this week is that i got to give blood on Thursday. I have been wanting to give blood for as long as i can remember even though I am terrified of needles. It was so cool. I love blood, so... wait, speaking of that. When I told my mother that I was excited about giving blood, she said "I'm not surprised. Vampires love to be aroung lots of blood" See, there's this joke in my family that i am a vampire because I hate the sun (yea, i know. I've heard it all. but i just dont like it), because i love clouds and rain and wind and just dark stuff like that (though I dont really see it as dark. It makes me happy) because I hate sleep and would rather just be awake all night and because, going along with the sun-hating, I would just rather be pale and regularly use spf 50 sunblock. So, they joke that I am a vampire and the blood thing kind of just went with that. And me and another girl have been proudly showing off our "unifang" marks:) the docter laughed at that, and said he hadn't heard it before, which made my happy.
I was really excited to give blood 1: because it saves lives. thats just cool 2: because it means Im old enough. yeah. and 3: its a big step for me in getting over the fears that I have. I was jittery and my whole body was shaking beforehand. but I got over it. I got to watch my blood leave my body through this medium sized needle and got to see the bulging bag of my blood.... Just cool as hell. (and if you haven't already noticed, the text is red like blood even though its one of my least favorite colors... just a fun fact)
I got to be a model on Sunday. SENIOR pictures. so much fun, though I have NO idea how I am going to choose just one for the yearbook. The ones that I got to see were just so pretty and that was before tough-ups....
I have gotten very little reading and absolutely no writing done. Actually, its been months since ive written.... it feels like I am missing something... like before i even knew i could write, but not quite so bad because now i can call myself a writer, though I am still not writing and that just sucks.... a lot. if i dont get just one day to myself, to have the whole day to just go nuts on my books, i will literally go nuts. i dont think anything less would put that fire back in me or would get me back into the mindset where my characters, my best friends, are always on my mind.... i miss them.
So, Jt, there's my new blog just for you. Miss you like crazy and am gonna be a grumpy goober if i dont get to hang with you soon. Love you more than the weight of this universe (if you comment back soon, i might love you as much as the entire multiverse. Just might.:D)
The one really, really, really good thing this week is that i got to give blood on Thursday. I have been wanting to give blood for as long as i can remember even though I am terrified of needles. It was so cool. I love blood, so... wait, speaking of that. When I told my mother that I was excited about giving blood, she said "I'm not surprised. Vampires love to be aroung lots of blood" See, there's this joke in my family that i am a vampire because I hate the sun (yea, i know. I've heard it all. but i just dont like it), because i love clouds and rain and wind and just dark stuff like that (though I dont really see it as dark. It makes me happy) because I hate sleep and would rather just be awake all night and because, going along with the sun-hating, I would just rather be pale and regularly use spf 50 sunblock. So, they joke that I am a vampire and the blood thing kind of just went with that. And me and another girl have been proudly showing off our "unifang" marks:) the docter laughed at that, and said he hadn't heard it before, which made my happy.
I was really excited to give blood 1: because it saves lives. thats just cool 2: because it means Im old enough. yeah. and 3: its a big step for me in getting over the fears that I have. I was jittery and my whole body was shaking beforehand. but I got over it. I got to watch my blood leave my body through this medium sized needle and got to see the bulging bag of my blood.... Just cool as hell. (and if you haven't already noticed, the text is red like blood even though its one of my least favorite colors... just a fun fact)
I got to be a model on Sunday. SENIOR pictures. so much fun, though I have NO idea how I am going to choose just one for the yearbook. The ones that I got to see were just so pretty and that was before tough-ups....
I have gotten very little reading and absolutely no writing done. Actually, its been months since ive written.... it feels like I am missing something... like before i even knew i could write, but not quite so bad because now i can call myself a writer, though I am still not writing and that just sucks.... a lot. if i dont get just one day to myself, to have the whole day to just go nuts on my books, i will literally go nuts. i dont think anything less would put that fire back in me or would get me back into the mindset where my characters, my best friends, are always on my mind.... i miss them.
So, Jt, there's my new blog just for you. Miss you like crazy and am gonna be a grumpy goober if i dont get to hang with you soon. Love you more than the weight of this universe (if you comment back soon, i might love you as much as the entire multiverse. Just might.:D)
Give me a couple hours
I am babysitting right now, but the kids go to bed at 10 and the ma wont be here till at least 1, so i will blog then. but i WILL blog tonight.
P.S. if you get bored you still have that story to finish ;)
P.S. if you get bored you still have that story to finish ;)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wow, we are lame at this
Okay. so none of us has blogged in 3 months. That's kind of pathetic. I mean, how hard is it to find five minutes to tell the world how you are doing? Btw, Jt, I miss you like fucking crazy. It's weird how much that week of having you around changed everything.
So, school has started. I have a schedule that makes most people cringe and somehow I am handling it. I get up at 5:45am every single morning, get right in the shower and get myself ready to leave by 6:50am Then I turn on my iPod at full blast and walk to school in the dark, just the way I like it. I get to the school around 7:05am and sit in the commons doing homework and reading until 8:00am, still listening to the blaring music. At 8, I get my breakfast and eat it with the friends that are just arriving at school. I go to my classes and talk to people I really don't know very well, even if I've known them my whole life. I go to lunch and sit with people who appeal to a certain part of me that is silly and yet so serious, but all the same it is quite immature. I then go to the rest of my classes and talk to more people I barely know. All the while, I pull out a book to read at every free minute, though there really aren't that many. Afterwards, I go to my locker, grab my stuff and go home, again listening to the blaring music. I wave and smile at teachers and students who think they know who I am: nerd, freak, do-gooder, prep, suck-up, show off, snob.
At home, don't seem quite so monotonous, but really it's all the same. Whether my parents are there, or if I watch TV for a little while, or get on the computer to write college essays or just go read all night, it's all the same. My dad could be crabby or jovial, my mother could be subtle or out-right bitchy. But still, it seems as if I am in this alone. I think we all are, in a way. No one can escape the solitude, the loneliness. At least, I hope it's not just me. I hope I am not the only one stuck in the middle of a desert with no clouds or trees to shield me from the glaring rays of the sun.
Anyhoo, I'm stressed, I'm bored and I really want to get into Columbia. Night.
So, school has started. I have a schedule that makes most people cringe and somehow I am handling it. I get up at 5:45am every single morning, get right in the shower and get myself ready to leave by 6:50am Then I turn on my iPod at full blast and walk to school in the dark, just the way I like it. I get to the school around 7:05am and sit in the commons doing homework and reading until 8:00am, still listening to the blaring music. At 8, I get my breakfast and eat it with the friends that are just arriving at school. I go to my classes and talk to people I really don't know very well, even if I've known them my whole life. I go to lunch and sit with people who appeal to a certain part of me that is silly and yet so serious, but all the same it is quite immature. I then go to the rest of my classes and talk to more people I barely know. All the while, I pull out a book to read at every free minute, though there really aren't that many. Afterwards, I go to my locker, grab my stuff and go home, again listening to the blaring music. I wave and smile at teachers and students who think they know who I am: nerd, freak, do-gooder, prep, suck-up, show off, snob.
At home, don't seem quite so monotonous, but really it's all the same. Whether my parents are there, or if I watch TV for a little while, or get on the computer to write college essays or just go read all night, it's all the same. My dad could be crabby or jovial, my mother could be subtle or out-right bitchy. But still, it seems as if I am in this alone. I think we all are, in a way. No one can escape the solitude, the loneliness. At least, I hope it's not just me. I hope I am not the only one stuck in the middle of a desert with no clouds or trees to shield me from the glaring rays of the sun.
Anyhoo, I'm stressed, I'm bored and I really want to get into Columbia. Night.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Long Journey Home
OMG. I thought I deleted it.... which i did. I must have forgotten that it was named "Journal" and not "A Summer To Remember" (a title which I have already changed, as you can see. i hated the other one... and will pry change the new title too, but for now i like it) Anyway, found it in a folder in my recycle bin, which is lucky cuz I usually empty that thing every couple weeks... Yes, it's long. Sorry. Again, i really don't like alot of the last entry... maybe even the last two or three... nope just the last two.... not that I hate them, but they seem corny and need rewritten. . . . Well, have fun and take your time.... just don't forget to comment. (:(
p.s. this was written during xmas break, so before my parents split and while i was still obsessed with going to Columbia, which is still in my top five....
Dear Journal,
Three days ago, June 6, 2014, was my college graduation. My beloved University gave us an extravagant farewell, making us each feel special for having made it through. I have spent the last four years of my life living at Columbia University in New York City and have loved every moment, every second of it. I’ve flourished in the New England culture, the modern learning environment and the interactive, hands on lifestyle. At Columbia, I discovered the only place where I could find people who think like I do, who want the same things out of life and who appreciate, rather than disdain, the diversity around us. It was the first true home I have ever known and I will miss the University for the rest of my life. But my time here is now over.
I haven’t spoken to my family since Christmas over two years ago. After a quarrel over my then boyfriend, we fell out of touch. I kept in touch with some of my extended family, aunts, uncles and cousins, but we long ago ran out of things to talk about. My friends from college are all off to other countries for grad school. They have things to do, people to see. I don’t. My degree in Creative Writing has immensely improved my previously mediocre authoring. I feel as if things can only get better in that part of my life.
I’ve always known that my life after college would be open to many different locations. I already have an amazing publisher and so long as this next book is completed by the end of November, I don’t have to settle down. I can travel across the country, across the world. The only question is: where first?
Six years ago, the answer would have been simple; I would go to Columbia, South Carolina. It was a place I had chosen with much thought when I was a teenager. I liked the warm weather, the coastal feel, the proximity to so much history and the simple fact that it was far, far away from Kingsley, Michigan. I'd even found humor in the fact that the city had the same name as my then dream university. I’d decided that maybe I would just live my life as a Columbia girl, consistent and cultured.
But now, I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with anything named Columbia. It was time to put all that behind me, to start completely fresh.
If I was looking for the most modern, the freshest place on earth, I had already been there. New York City. Nothing could compare to the constantly changing styles and ways of a New Yorker. But it was not that kind of fresh that I was searching for.
I wanted to go somewhere that was nothing like New York, but also nothing like Kingsley. So, a place that wasn’t the most diverse and cultured city in the world, but also wasn’t a self-proclaimed conservative hicktown. That still left my options wide open and my imagination running wild. So, I spun the globe. Literally. And apparently, my pencil was partial to Greece. Athens it was.
I was very happy with my decision. I’d always dreamed of going to Athens, to see the Greek culture I had studied so much for myself. I had even been very familiar with the Greek religion on a personal level. It was almost an obsession of mine, something that had always been there, but that been sparked by books. Naturally.
The idea also made me anxious. I had lived my entire life in the Northwestern Hemisphere. This would be my first time leaving it and the thought sort of scared me.
I had more than enough money to get there. Not only had my college been almost entirely paid for through scholarships, financial aid and university grants, but I had worked no less than 25 hour weeks for the last four years. But of course, most of my money came from my last two books. They’d been a hit, much more so than I’d been expecting from my first series. Maybe not quite on the scale of my still favorite authors, but I was successful, nonetheless.
I would have to inform Kat, my publisher, that I was relocating. Though she had no reason to object, seeing as she’d also known this was coming, she would still need to know where I was. My friends and I had said our goodbyes as they boarded their trains and planes in the past few days. I was the only one left. And it was time for me to move on.
p.s. this was written during xmas break, so before my parents split and while i was still obsessed with going to Columbia, which is still in my top five....
"Kari Richelle Borse
6-9-14
Dear Journal,
Three days ago, June 6, 2014, was my college graduation. My beloved University gave us an extravagant farewell, making us each feel special for having made it through. I have spent the last four years of my life living at Columbia University in New York City and have loved every moment, every second of it. I’ve flourished in the New England culture, the modern learning environment and the interactive, hands on lifestyle. At Columbia, I discovered the only place where I could find people who think like I do, who want the same things out of life and who appreciate, rather than disdain, the diversity around us. It was the first true home I have ever known and I will miss the University for the rest of my life. But my time here is now over.
I haven’t spoken to my family since Christmas over two years ago. After a quarrel over my then boyfriend, we fell out of touch. I kept in touch with some of my extended family, aunts, uncles and cousins, but we long ago ran out of things to talk about. My friends from college are all off to other countries for grad school. They have things to do, people to see. I don’t. My degree in Creative Writing has immensely improved my previously mediocre authoring. I feel as if things can only get better in that part of my life.
I’ve always known that my life after college would be open to many different locations. I already have an amazing publisher and so long as this next book is completed by the end of November, I don’t have to settle down. I can travel across the country, across the world. The only question is: where first?
Six years ago, the answer would have been simple; I would go to Columbia, South Carolina. It was a place I had chosen with much thought when I was a teenager. I liked the warm weather, the coastal feel, the proximity to so much history and the simple fact that it was far, far away from Kingsley, Michigan. I'd even found humor in the fact that the city had the same name as my then dream university. I’d decided that maybe I would just live my life as a Columbia girl, consistent and cultured.
But now, I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with anything named Columbia. It was time to put all that behind me, to start completely fresh.
If I was looking for the most modern, the freshest place on earth, I had already been there. New York City. Nothing could compare to the constantly changing styles and ways of a New Yorker. But it was not that kind of fresh that I was searching for.
I wanted to go somewhere that was nothing like New York, but also nothing like Kingsley. So, a place that wasn’t the most diverse and cultured city in the world, but also wasn’t a self-proclaimed conservative hicktown. That still left my options wide open and my imagination running wild. So, I spun the globe. Literally. And apparently, my pencil was partial to Greece. Athens it was.
I was very happy with my decision. I’d always dreamed of going to Athens, to see the Greek culture I had studied so much for myself. I had even been very familiar with the Greek religion on a personal level. It was almost an obsession of mine, something that had always been there, but that been sparked by books. Naturally.
The idea also made me anxious. I had lived my entire life in the Northwestern Hemisphere. This would be my first time leaving it and the thought sort of scared me.
I had more than enough money to get there. Not only had my college been almost entirely paid for through scholarships, financial aid and university grants, but I had worked no less than 25 hour weeks for the last four years. But of course, most of my money came from my last two books. They’d been a hit, much more so than I’d been expecting from my first series. Maybe not quite on the scale of my still favorite authors, but I was successful, nonetheless.
I would have to inform Kat, my publisher, that I was relocating. Though she had no reason to object, seeing as she’d also known this was coming, she would still need to know where I was. My friends and I had said our goodbyes as they boarded their trains and planes in the past few days. I was the only one left. And it was time for me to move on.
6-22-14
Dear Journal,
Athens is beyond belief. I have been here for less than two weeks and have already fallen in love with the city and surrounding area. The ancient feel, the charming culture, the devoted people…. It all just feels so right. Everything about this place takes you back to another time, when gods and goddesses roamed the lands and the greatest thinkers of all time converged to unlock the secrets of an unassuming planet as they sat debating on the acropolis that had become their entire life.
Coming in on the plane, I saw the layout of the city. The buildings were so jumbled and crammed in together, giving the whole city that feeling of closeness. The coloring was spectacular, each structure matching the next one perfectly. The tincture alone sent me back in time, to a place much more natural and connected to the earth than any I had ever been. The only boundary to the city was the surrounding rock formations and even those were hard-pressed to keep everyone inside. Near the edges, there were even houses built directly into the stone, becoming more at one with it than could ever have been achieved at home in the states.
The most striking feature, and also the most beautiful, was the acropolis itself. The bottom half is covered in greenery and rest is stone. At the very top, I could just see the outline of the Pantheon, along with a few other structures. It is nothing like I had ever seen before and it is so obviously a part of another time, frozen forever by the pure whim of nature.
My first breath of Greek air was incredible, almost indescribable. There were the scents of produce mixed with the aroma of spices and perfumes all blended with the odor of the hard-working gentlemen and gentlewomen getting through each day on little more than love and family. It all came together to form an unintentional incense that was so very Athenian that it took my breath away.
As I headed up the road, I saw the more modern constructions up close for the first time. Even many of them were reminiscent of those days before time. I think that the oddest part about these "modern" structures is that many were built not in the last 20 or 30 years, but in the last 300 years. For the eternal city of Athens, that's very contemporary. These structures are so fantastic. They may have brought one of the oldest cities in the world into the twenty-first century, but they had been careful to remind viewers of the legacy that would always belong to no other town on earth than the one rising before me.
My first week I spent just sitting in my hotel room writing. It is incredible how much Athens has inspired me. The view outside the window is breathtaking. I can see nearly the entire city, stretched out before me. The acropolis is just to the right outside my window, stretching to the sky. I just get a rush of memories, none of them truly mine, when I see it. I haven't felt anything like this since I first moved to NYC over four years ago and even that is hard-pressed to compare.
I decided to start to explore the city about a week ago. I can't begin to recount all of the things I've seen and experienced in this short time. But there are a few moments that stand out.
I noticed something during my exploring that I had not been able to fully appreciate coming in on the plane. The complete integration of the ancient temples with the modern structures. There are buildings thousands of years old not ten yards from modern homes with people living in them. They are still a large part of the life here, though with not the same reason. These buildings represent what once was, the greatness that was Athens. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be descendants of the great people who had built these things and discovered such knowledge. I envy even the poorest Greek citizen for having such a legacy.
One of the first things that stand out to me is what happened as I was standing, admiring the Temple of Olympian Zeus and it's companion, the Arch of Hadrian. I had been anticipating seeing them for myself, as they are obviously very famous.
I closed my eyes. My thoughts were far from where I was, yet in the exact same place. I'd begun to imagine this place, 2500 years earlier, in the Age of Pericles. I could see the people moving about, hear the language, and feel the light clothing upon my skin. The people were talking, discussing everything from the latest arranged engagement to the next offering to the Gods. Just then, in my vision, a girl walked up from behind me. She was a teenager, no older than 15 or 16. She was wearing the draping of cloth that everyone else also donned and her brown curls were pinned to keep them out of her face. I recognized her as the maid from my hotel, somehow brought into my vision in a twist of my imagination. She knelt on the ground in front of me, before the Temple. I could hear her whispered prayers to the great Zeus, asking for help.
Someone walking by me accidentally bumped into my arm and I was brought out of my daydream. I opened my eyes to see that same girl, on the ground before me. Here, in present day, she was praying before the temple. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that this ancient temple could have such significance for a modern-day Greek. I could no longer understand her words, as she spoke in Modern Greek, but they seemed very sweet to me. I turned and walked away, feeling as if I understood the city that much more for having witnessed the moment.
There was another time while exploring Athens that I experienced a moment that left me stopped, contemplating the fact that I was far, far from home, wherever home actually was.
It was yesterday. I finally made it to the Acropolis. I had planned to visit the greatest tourist site in Athens three days ago, on Sunday, but it was very crowded, so I ended up going to the Temple of Hephaestus instead.
The tour that I took was very small, just myself and a young couple that sort of reminded me of my brother and his wife. At the top of the Acropolis, the tour was halted to give a chance to take in the sights. I looked out on the city of Athens. I could see everything, the entirety of the city for 360º around myself. It was unbelievable. I could never have imagined the feeling I got as I witnessed for myself something reminiscent of what the great thinkers like Socrates and Aristotle must have witnessed as they made some of the greatest scientific and philosophical breakthroughs in history.
Looking out, I could see the other ancient landmarks from the view that they had been meant to be seen. I could see the Temple of Olympian Zeus with the Arch of Hadrian, and the Temple of Hephaestus and the Agora and Theater of Dionysus. All of these looked much more majestic and belonging in this new perspective. Each structure seemed to match the rest of the landscape, being exactly where it was supposed to. I would have thought that it would make the rest of the twenty-first century city look out of place, but it didn't. All of it meshed perfectly here, up on the most defining hilltop on the planet.
I realized one more thing, while staring at this most perfect of cities. I realized it was me that was out of place. I didn't belong here any more than I would have 2500 years ago. I wasn't Greek, and while the Greeks today were much more accepting, this wasn't my city. This city would forever belong to the true, ancient Athenians and everyone else would always be simply a visitor. Much as I wanted to stay, it was yet again time for me to move on.
Coming in on the plane, I saw the layout of the city. The buildings were so jumbled and crammed in together, giving the whole city that feeling of closeness. The coloring was spectacular, each structure matching the next one perfectly. The tincture alone sent me back in time, to a place much more natural and connected to the earth than any I had ever been. The only boundary to the city was the surrounding rock formations and even those were hard-pressed to keep everyone inside. Near the edges, there were even houses built directly into the stone, becoming more at one with it than could ever have been achieved at home in the states.
The most striking feature, and also the most beautiful, was the acropolis itself. The bottom half is covered in greenery and rest is stone. At the very top, I could just see the outline of the Pantheon, along with a few other structures. It is nothing like I had ever seen before and it is so obviously a part of another time, frozen forever by the pure whim of nature.
My first breath of Greek air was incredible, almost indescribable. There were the scents of produce mixed with the aroma of spices and perfumes all blended with the odor of the hard-working gentlemen and gentlewomen getting through each day on little more than love and family. It all came together to form an unintentional incense that was so very Athenian that it took my breath away.
As I headed up the road, I saw the more modern constructions up close for the first time. Even many of them were reminiscent of those days before time. I think that the oddest part about these "modern" structures is that many were built not in the last 20 or 30 years, but in the last 300 years. For the eternal city of Athens, that's very contemporary. These structures are so fantastic. They may have brought one of the oldest cities in the world into the twenty-first century, but they had been careful to remind viewers of the legacy that would always belong to no other town on earth than the one rising before me.
My first week I spent just sitting in my hotel room writing. It is incredible how much Athens has inspired me. The view outside the window is breathtaking. I can see nearly the entire city, stretched out before me. The acropolis is just to the right outside my window, stretching to the sky. I just get a rush of memories, none of them truly mine, when I see it. I haven't felt anything like this since I first moved to NYC over four years ago and even that is hard-pressed to compare.
I decided to start to explore the city about a week ago. I can't begin to recount all of the things I've seen and experienced in this short time. But there are a few moments that stand out.
I noticed something during my exploring that I had not been able to fully appreciate coming in on the plane. The complete integration of the ancient temples with the modern structures. There are buildings thousands of years old not ten yards from modern homes with people living in them. They are still a large part of the life here, though with not the same reason. These buildings represent what once was, the greatness that was Athens. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be descendants of the great people who had built these things and discovered such knowledge. I envy even the poorest Greek citizen for having such a legacy.
One of the first things that stand out to me is what happened as I was standing, admiring the Temple of Olympian Zeus and it's companion, the Arch of Hadrian. I had been anticipating seeing them for myself, as they are obviously very famous.
I closed my eyes. My thoughts were far from where I was, yet in the exact same place. I'd begun to imagine this place, 2500 years earlier, in the Age of Pericles. I could see the people moving about, hear the language, and feel the light clothing upon my skin. The people were talking, discussing everything from the latest arranged engagement to the next offering to the Gods. Just then, in my vision, a girl walked up from behind me. She was a teenager, no older than 15 or 16. She was wearing the draping of cloth that everyone else also donned and her brown curls were pinned to keep them out of her face. I recognized her as the maid from my hotel, somehow brought into my vision in a twist of my imagination. She knelt on the ground in front of me, before the Temple. I could hear her whispered prayers to the great Zeus, asking for help.
Someone walking by me accidentally bumped into my arm and I was brought out of my daydream. I opened my eyes to see that same girl, on the ground before me. Here, in present day, she was praying before the temple. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that this ancient temple could have such significance for a modern-day Greek. I could no longer understand her words, as she spoke in Modern Greek, but they seemed very sweet to me. I turned and walked away, feeling as if I understood the city that much more for having witnessed the moment.
There was another time while exploring Athens that I experienced a moment that left me stopped, contemplating the fact that I was far, far from home, wherever home actually was.
It was yesterday. I finally made it to the Acropolis. I had planned to visit the greatest tourist site in Athens three days ago, on Sunday, but it was very crowded, so I ended up going to the Temple of Hephaestus instead.
The tour that I took was very small, just myself and a young couple that sort of reminded me of my brother and his wife. At the top of the Acropolis, the tour was halted to give a chance to take in the sights. I looked out on the city of Athens. I could see everything, the entirety of the city for 360º around myself. It was unbelievable. I could never have imagined the feeling I got as I witnessed for myself something reminiscent of what the great thinkers like Socrates and Aristotle must have witnessed as they made some of the greatest scientific and philosophical breakthroughs in history.
Looking out, I could see the other ancient landmarks from the view that they had been meant to be seen. I could see the Temple of Olympian Zeus with the Arch of Hadrian, and the Temple of Hephaestus and the Agora and Theater of Dionysus. All of these looked much more majestic and belonging in this new perspective. Each structure seemed to match the rest of the landscape, being exactly where it was supposed to. I would have thought that it would make the rest of the twenty-first century city look out of place, but it didn't. All of it meshed perfectly here, up on the most defining hilltop on the planet.
I realized one more thing, while staring at this most perfect of cities. I realized it was me that was out of place. I didn't belong here any more than I would have 2500 years ago. I wasn't Greek, and while the Greeks today were much more accepting, this wasn't my city. This city would forever belong to the true, ancient Athenians and everyone else would always be simply a visitor. Much as I wanted to stay, it was yet again time for me to move on.
6-25-14
Dear Journal,
I have left Athens. As I said, it was time. Everything I witnessed was spectacular and has changed how I view some of the things in my life. I made great progress in my book. Actually, I changed much of it around and re-figured a lot of the scenes. I like it much better now. I think this book will be not only much different, but also much better than its sisters.
I am currently on a plane bound for London, England. I figured that I might find something more me in a place where the culture is much more like what I am used to and one that also carries some of my heritage. Another perk is that the English speak, well, English. I will understand what is going on around me much better there, I am sure. Some of the lingo is sure to be different, but I think I will have little trouble with the change.
Right now, we are passing over the Adriatic Sea, about to cross over the coastline into Italy. I can see the Alps in the distance, just barely breaking the horizon. Although they may be more documented, they seem to have little significance compared to the mountains of Greece. The Greek mountains of the Peloponnesian range are detached from our world in a way, timeless like nothing else can manage. They don't live by our clock, but by none at all. They have left time behind entirely and begun a world for themselves.
One of my high school friends was living in London the last time I heard from her. That was over a year and a half ago, about six months after her wedding to her high school sweetheart. I'd been her maid-of-honor and we'd always been the best of friends. I was thinking that maybe I would look her up while I was there. We'd fallen out of touch on good terms and I hoped that she would be glad to see me.
I also wondered if she was still in touch with anyone from our high school. She was the last that I had spoken to and I had no idea where anyone was. The five-year reunion was next summer and I was sure that most of my graduating class would be in attendance. Then again, it wasn't necessarily students from the grand class of 2010 that I was interested in.
I have left Athens. As I said, it was time. Everything I witnessed was spectacular and has changed how I view some of the things in my life. I made great progress in my book. Actually, I changed much of it around and re-figured a lot of the scenes. I like it much better now. I think this book will be not only much different, but also much better than its sisters.
I am currently on a plane bound for London, England. I figured that I might find something more me in a place where the culture is much more like what I am used to and one that also carries some of my heritage. Another perk is that the English speak, well, English. I will understand what is going on around me much better there, I am sure. Some of the lingo is sure to be different, but I think I will have little trouble with the change.
Right now, we are passing over the Adriatic Sea, about to cross over the coastline into Italy. I can see the Alps in the distance, just barely breaking the horizon. Although they may be more documented, they seem to have little significance compared to the mountains of Greece. The Greek mountains of the Peloponnesian range are detached from our world in a way, timeless like nothing else can manage. They don't live by our clock, but by none at all. They have left time behind entirely and begun a world for themselves.
One of my high school friends was living in London the last time I heard from her. That was over a year and a half ago, about six months after her wedding to her high school sweetheart. I'd been her maid-of-honor and we'd always been the best of friends. I was thinking that maybe I would look her up while I was there. We'd fallen out of touch on good terms and I hoped that she would be glad to see me.
I also wondered if she was still in touch with anyone from our high school. She was the last that I had spoken to and I had no idea where anyone was. The five-year reunion was next summer and I was sure that most of my graduating class would be in attendance. Then again, it wasn't necessarily students from the grand class of 2010 that I was interested in.
7-5-14
Dear Journal,
I've been in London for a little over a week. I stayed at a hotel for the first two nights, but then I caught up with my old friend who is, thankfully, still living here. She invited me to stay with her and I was intelligent enough to accept. She's been showing me around the city, which makes me feel much less like a tourist and more like a local. Her husband works during the day doing... something. I'm not quite sure exactly how he made his small fortune, but they are doing quite well for themselves. She is taking some time off to see how she likes it. They are apparently contemplating having children, something she was never quite sure whether she wanted or not. If she decides that being a stay at home mom is right for her, they plan to start a family. I haven't mentioned the ill logic in comparing spending time home alone to spending time home with kids, seeing as they are two very different things, but I don't want to bud in.
We began our tour of the city with the ever-popular Buckingham Palace. I've rarely looked at pictures of the imperial home and seeing it in person made me wonder why. It was tall and beautifully structured to look nobler than anything around it. Everything about it bespoke of royalty and longevity. This palace would not go down without a fight. Hidden by the mask of graceful columns and eye-catching symmetry, I could tell that the seemingly gentle palace was a fortress of history. It would protect its secrets yet never truly give its life, as it would live on forever.
We also visited Big Ben, the London Bridge, the Tower Bridge, Windsor Castle, and Princess Diana's Memorial. She mentioned going to Madame Tussauds, but knew that I had no interest in seeing a wax museum. They gave me the creeps. The other sights were magnificent. Windsor Castle took my breath away. After seeing it, Buckingham Palace paled in comparison to Windsor's wonder. The castle was so medieval and haunting. I loved it. I also particularly liked the bridges. The Tower Bridge was much like Windsor castle, archaic and eerie in a good way. The London Bridge was memorable simply because it's been around for so long. The first one was constructed by the Romans and it has been updated many times since. Yet another thing I've found on this side of the Atlantic to be timeless.
She also took me to her favorite restaurants and hangouts, trying to give me a feel of modern London. It was a much more laid back city than I had expected, but I liked it. As I'd guessed, the lingo was not difficult to pick up on, especially with my friend to help me with any confusing wording.
We've been talking about everything in our few days together. She mentioned that she read my books and loved them, which isn't surprising seeing as she helped me edit the first few chapters of the first back in high school. Being with her brought it all back. I felt 17 again, roaming the halls with my best friend, a girl with so much in common with me yet someone who couldn't be more different. We completed each other back then, my shortcomings being matched by her strong points and vice-versa.
She told me that she has only kept in touch with one other person from high school. He was our other good friend whom I'd been very close to when I was a teen. I hadn't talked to him since her wedding. He was doing well though, she told me. He was still in school, working on his degree. That made me happy.
We also discussed her relationship with her husband. They were one of the few, the lucky ones to have met and fell in love so young. She told me that things really hadn't changed much in their relationship since then. They had grown up, obviously, but they were still the same people with each other. She had finished school in three years and spent the last year working as a therapist, something she probably didn't need school to be good at. She had always been good at helping the rest of us with our problems by just being herself.
We have plans to take a road trip up the countryside tomorrow. She wants me to see the moorlands and the sloping landscape. She also wants me to see the general setting for many of my favorite books. We'll drive up to the mountains of Scotland and then take a right so I can see the North Sea. We'll be back within a few days.
I've been in London for a little over a week. I stayed at a hotel for the first two nights, but then I caught up with my old friend who is, thankfully, still living here. She invited me to stay with her and I was intelligent enough to accept. She's been showing me around the city, which makes me feel much less like a tourist and more like a local. Her husband works during the day doing... something. I'm not quite sure exactly how he made his small fortune, but they are doing quite well for themselves. She is taking some time off to see how she likes it. They are apparently contemplating having children, something she was never quite sure whether she wanted or not. If she decides that being a stay at home mom is right for her, they plan to start a family. I haven't mentioned the ill logic in comparing spending time home alone to spending time home with kids, seeing as they are two very different things, but I don't want to bud in.
We began our tour of the city with the ever-popular Buckingham Palace. I've rarely looked at pictures of the imperial home and seeing it in person made me wonder why. It was tall and beautifully structured to look nobler than anything around it. Everything about it bespoke of royalty and longevity. This palace would not go down without a fight. Hidden by the mask of graceful columns and eye-catching symmetry, I could tell that the seemingly gentle palace was a fortress of history. It would protect its secrets yet never truly give its life, as it would live on forever.
We also visited Big Ben, the London Bridge, the Tower Bridge, Windsor Castle, and Princess Diana's Memorial. She mentioned going to Madame Tussauds, but knew that I had no interest in seeing a wax museum. They gave me the creeps. The other sights were magnificent. Windsor Castle took my breath away. After seeing it, Buckingham Palace paled in comparison to Windsor's wonder. The castle was so medieval and haunting. I loved it. I also particularly liked the bridges. The Tower Bridge was much like Windsor castle, archaic and eerie in a good way. The London Bridge was memorable simply because it's been around for so long. The first one was constructed by the Romans and it has been updated many times since. Yet another thing I've found on this side of the Atlantic to be timeless.
She also took me to her favorite restaurants and hangouts, trying to give me a feel of modern London. It was a much more laid back city than I had expected, but I liked it. As I'd guessed, the lingo was not difficult to pick up on, especially with my friend to help me with any confusing wording.
We've been talking about everything in our few days together. She mentioned that she read my books and loved them, which isn't surprising seeing as she helped me edit the first few chapters of the first back in high school. Being with her brought it all back. I felt 17 again, roaming the halls with my best friend, a girl with so much in common with me yet someone who couldn't be more different. We completed each other back then, my shortcomings being matched by her strong points and vice-versa.
She told me that she has only kept in touch with one other person from high school. He was our other good friend whom I'd been very close to when I was a teen. I hadn't talked to him since her wedding. He was doing well though, she told me. He was still in school, working on his degree. That made me happy.
We also discussed her relationship with her husband. They were one of the few, the lucky ones to have met and fell in love so young. She told me that things really hadn't changed much in their relationship since then. They had grown up, obviously, but they were still the same people with each other. She had finished school in three years and spent the last year working as a therapist, something she probably didn't need school to be good at. She had always been good at helping the rest of us with our problems by just being herself.
We have plans to take a road trip up the countryside tomorrow. She wants me to see the moorlands and the sloping landscape. She also wants me to see the general setting for many of my favorite books. We'll drive up to the mountains of Scotland and then take a right so I can see the North Sea. We'll be back within a few days.
7-12-14
Dear Journal,
I am on another plane. The thought makes me sigh. This time, I'm headed for Spain. Madrid to be exact. I am near fluent in Spanish, so at the very least, the language shouldn't be a problem.
My friend was sad to see me go, but we both knew I couldn't stay. As much fun as reminiscing was, it was beginning to terrify me. I had left high school many years ago with no desire to return. Spending time with her was doing that to me. I was beginning to revert to that frame of mind. Things I had long ago figured out were beginning to again make no sense and I was starting to think like a 17-year-old girl. I didn't want to regress into that other person again. She was feeling the same way, though it wasn't quite as unwelcome for her. But high school had never been my thing like it was hers. College, on the other hand, was. But I was through with college and long since through with high school. I was not going back.
I felt that, if I wasn't going to be spending time with her, I couldn't stay in the city, as much fun as I was having.
Overall, I really loved England, London especially. I thrived in the big-city feel, the modern, up-to-date living style and the familiarity of a place I had never been to before. London, in retrospect, was much like New York. That meant two things: I would love it and I would have to leave it.
Madrid had been a place I had never really thought to visit, so that's what made it perfect. I knew very little about the city, except what I learned in the history classes at Columbia and I hadn't seen much footage or photography of the city. It would be entirely new to me. New always meant opportunity. Columbia was new and I found my place there. New York was new and I found my publisher there. Really, I found myself in the last four years and everything was new to me.
I am on another plane. The thought makes me sigh. This time, I'm headed for Spain. Madrid to be exact. I am near fluent in Spanish, so at the very least, the language shouldn't be a problem.
My friend was sad to see me go, but we both knew I couldn't stay. As much fun as reminiscing was, it was beginning to terrify me. I had left high school many years ago with no desire to return. Spending time with her was doing that to me. I was beginning to revert to that frame of mind. Things I had long ago figured out were beginning to again make no sense and I was starting to think like a 17-year-old girl. I didn't want to regress into that other person again. She was feeling the same way, though it wasn't quite as unwelcome for her. But high school had never been my thing like it was hers. College, on the other hand, was. But I was through with college and long since through with high school. I was not going back.
I felt that, if I wasn't going to be spending time with her, I couldn't stay in the city, as much fun as I was having.
Overall, I really loved England, London especially. I thrived in the big-city feel, the modern, up-to-date living style and the familiarity of a place I had never been to before. London, in retrospect, was much like New York. That meant two things: I would love it and I would have to leave it.
Madrid had been a place I had never really thought to visit, so that's what made it perfect. I knew very little about the city, except what I learned in the history classes at Columbia and I hadn't seen much footage or photography of the city. It would be entirely new to me. New always meant opportunity. Columbia was new and I found my place there. New York was new and I found my publisher there. Really, I found myself in the last four years and everything was new to me.
7-20-14
Dear Journal,
Madrid is not what I expected, if I'd been expecting anything.
This city is different from the others that I've been to and I finally put my finger on the reason, on what sets it apart in my mind. I'd gone through many different possibilities since I first got here and noticed that there was a difference. My first thought was the language, but I'm much more familiar with it than I was with Greek, so that one got ruled out. Then I thought maybe it could be the fact that I knew so little about Madrid when I came here, but that wasn't it either. Finally, I realized that it was something else entirely, having nothing to do with the city or my view of it. It had to do with me and how I've never really been out of my comfort zone. I went from my hometown to a place perfectly suited to me in New York, where everything I needed was there. Then to Athens, a city that is truly fantastic, fitting me as I've lived most of my life in a place more imaginary than reality. Finally to London, a place that spoke my first language where people lived similar to how I do and I had a friend that made it feel more like home.
Madrid was none of these things. The city is starkly real with nothing familiar whatsoever. It was truly out of my comfort zone in every way, yet I still loved it.
I think what pulls me in is the complete and utter actuality of it all. The tall spires of the buildings and the smell of real Spanish food everywhere you go along with the challenge of the language made the city irresistible. I'd always loved a challenge, something that was hard to come by until Columbia, and I was getting plenty of it here in Madrid. Keeping up with the speed of the natives speaking their first language was much more difficult than I would have expected, especially after three years of high school and 4 semesters of college classes. Thankfully, while I got the basics of Mexican Spanish in high school, my university professor taught the form spoken here in Spain.
Mainly, I've been spending my time just wandering the city, stopping at little cafés to write and exploring without a guide. It's been much easier than in Athens simply because I know the language and can communicate with the locals in a way that they appreciate. I've really enjoyed being able to converse in the language in a productive way, rather than just in a classroom.
I've been past a lot of the landmarks, but I haven't really stressed learning the significance of all of them. At least in this city, it's enough for me to just see the wonder and not to know what everyone else thinks is so wonderful about it. That way, I can decide for myself what makes it special.
For example, there is one area in particular that must have some historical significance to the Spanish. It is an area surrounded by obviously old architecture and seems to be somewhat of a heart of the city. There is a large, marvelous building with tall, sharp towers and a fountain out front. The fountain surrounds a statue of a seated woman with two lions.
I've been here for a week and have been out, roaming the city each day. And, for the last seven days, I have found myself back in this place, staring at the wonder around me. There are lots of cafés and I've been finding myself window seats for the ones that don't have tables outside. I just sit and write, taking in the culture of the city around me. I spent nearly three hours there two days ago.
There is also this really neat park that I've also been spending a lot of time at. It has a pond that reaches up to a large, manor-looking building. It has green lawns and woods and beautiful walkways. It's so serene and the people around me have been so interesting to watch. The way the families interact within themselves and with each other is fascinating. It reminds me of Central Park in New York... with less of a possibility for being mugged.
The workers at the hotel where I am staying have been very friendly. I've gotten to know one in particular. My maid, Damita, has turned out to be someone whom I could really get close to. She's a little younger than me, only just turned 20, and is working here to help save up so that she may marry her fiancé, Ramiro. I've found that I can relate to Damita and I enjoy spending time with her, just hanging out and talking like I did with my college friends.
Speaking of college friends, I have one who is here in Spain, getting ready for his grad school at a university in Barcelona. I haven't yet decided whether I will go see him while I'm here, however long that is. I don't want things to turn out like they did in London, with me feeling like I was back in high school. I think I may be safe, though. I was a much different person when I left high school than I am now, having just left college. I am mostly the same person that I was when I last saw him just a few weeks ago.
That's weird to think about, that I've only been out of school for a month and a half. I have already done so much since then, it seems impossible that years haven't passed.
Tomorrow, I plan to take a drive around the countryside and maybe check out the mountains. I already rented the car and I plan to head northeast, then south along the Mediterranean coast. I really enjoyed the trip that I took while in England and I hope I will be able to gain more by going solo.
8-1-14
Madrid is not what I expected, if I'd been expecting anything.
This city is different from the others that I've been to and I finally put my finger on the reason, on what sets it apart in my mind. I'd gone through many different possibilities since I first got here and noticed that there was a difference. My first thought was the language, but I'm much more familiar with it than I was with Greek, so that one got ruled out. Then I thought maybe it could be the fact that I knew so little about Madrid when I came here, but that wasn't it either. Finally, I realized that it was something else entirely, having nothing to do with the city or my view of it. It had to do with me and how I've never really been out of my comfort zone. I went from my hometown to a place perfectly suited to me in New York, where everything I needed was there. Then to Athens, a city that is truly fantastic, fitting me as I've lived most of my life in a place more imaginary than reality. Finally to London, a place that spoke my first language where people lived similar to how I do and I had a friend that made it feel more like home.
Madrid was none of these things. The city is starkly real with nothing familiar whatsoever. It was truly out of my comfort zone in every way, yet I still loved it.
I think what pulls me in is the complete and utter actuality of it all. The tall spires of the buildings and the smell of real Spanish food everywhere you go along with the challenge of the language made the city irresistible. I'd always loved a challenge, something that was hard to come by until Columbia, and I was getting plenty of it here in Madrid. Keeping up with the speed of the natives speaking their first language was much more difficult than I would have expected, especially after three years of high school and 4 semesters of college classes. Thankfully, while I got the basics of Mexican Spanish in high school, my university professor taught the form spoken here in Spain.
Mainly, I've been spending my time just wandering the city, stopping at little cafés to write and exploring without a guide. It's been much easier than in Athens simply because I know the language and can communicate with the locals in a way that they appreciate. I've really enjoyed being able to converse in the language in a productive way, rather than just in a classroom.
I've been past a lot of the landmarks, but I haven't really stressed learning the significance of all of them. At least in this city, it's enough for me to just see the wonder and not to know what everyone else thinks is so wonderful about it. That way, I can decide for myself what makes it special.
For example, there is one area in particular that must have some historical significance to the Spanish. It is an area surrounded by obviously old architecture and seems to be somewhat of a heart of the city. There is a large, marvelous building with tall, sharp towers and a fountain out front. The fountain surrounds a statue of a seated woman with two lions.
I've been here for a week and have been out, roaming the city each day. And, for the last seven days, I have found myself back in this place, staring at the wonder around me. There are lots of cafés and I've been finding myself window seats for the ones that don't have tables outside. I just sit and write, taking in the culture of the city around me. I spent nearly three hours there two days ago.
There is also this really neat park that I've also been spending a lot of time at. It has a pond that reaches up to a large, manor-looking building. It has green lawns and woods and beautiful walkways. It's so serene and the people around me have been so interesting to watch. The way the families interact within themselves and with each other is fascinating. It reminds me of Central Park in New York... with less of a possibility for being mugged.
The workers at the hotel where I am staying have been very friendly. I've gotten to know one in particular. My maid, Damita, has turned out to be someone whom I could really get close to. She's a little younger than me, only just turned 20, and is working here to help save up so that she may marry her fiancé, Ramiro. I've found that I can relate to Damita and I enjoy spending time with her, just hanging out and talking like I did with my college friends.
Speaking of college friends, I have one who is here in Spain, getting ready for his grad school at a university in Barcelona. I haven't yet decided whether I will go see him while I'm here, however long that is. I don't want things to turn out like they did in London, with me feeling like I was back in high school. I think I may be safe, though. I was a much different person when I left high school than I am now, having just left college. I am mostly the same person that I was when I last saw him just a few weeks ago.
That's weird to think about, that I've only been out of school for a month and a half. I have already done so much since then, it seems impossible that years haven't passed.
Tomorrow, I plan to take a drive around the countryside and maybe check out the mountains. I already rented the car and I plan to head northeast, then south along the Mediterranean coast. I really enjoyed the trip that I took while in England and I hope I will be able to gain more by going solo.
8-1-14
Dear Journal,
Peru is so much different than America, Greece, England and even Spain. I've never been further south than Florida and this is my first time being in the Southern Hemisphere. It's odd, viewing the world in the exact opposite way that I've always known. Everything is backwards... Up is warm, down is cold. Mexico is now North of me and the closest ocean is the Pacific. There's somewhat of a vertigo feeling attached to being here.
I left Spain on July 25th. I still don't know exactly why I decided to leave. I loved it so much and I never really got the sense that I didn't belong. Maybe it was that I never really got the sense that I belonged either. Maybe I will never know.
I decided not to look up my friend in Barcelona. Well, not so much that I made a decision not to contact him. More that I just never made a decision to contact him. As intense and real Madrid was, it was also very laid back and allowed things to slip by.
I've been keeping in contact with Damita. She was a little taken by my sudden departure. I made the decision to board a plane in the morning and was on a plane by mid-afternoon. It was lucky that she was in the lobby, or she never would have seen me leaving. We had already been keeping in contact through her home phone, so it wasn't like I was just going to disappear. But I may have forgotten to say goodbye in my unexplainable rush to leave.
Like with the reason why I left at all, I have no idea why I felt the need to escape so strongly and so without warning. I was sitting down at another café, yet again in that little square with the fountain, writing in my book. It was the first time that I had actually sought out the place. I normally just ended up there, but that morning was different. I woke up very early with this odd, nagging feeling. I thought maybe the sight of that beautiful building and its companions would help it go away. It did. The feeling was gone within minutes of taking my seat at the café, which thankfully had an outer deck.
Someone walked by and waved to me. She was just passing by, on her way to meet someone or to keep an appointment and she looked up while on her way and saw me. She smiled and lifted her hand in a simple, friendly wave. I wasn't quick enough to smile back, but offending her became the farthest thing from my mind. All I could think of was escape.
I stopped by the park on my way back to the hotel, though it was quite a bit out of the way. Even though I was a little out of it by that point, I was still there enough to want to have some sort of goodbye with the city and I did this at the park. It was even more beautiful and glorious in the sunrise.
I chose to come to South America because even though I needed to leave Spain, I wanted to go somewhere similar. I thought, at the time, that the similarity in language would make it feel more like the place I was leaving. I was sorely mistaken. Peru was another world compared to Spain. Not necessarily a bad place, but not what I had been looking for when I came here.
The language here in Peru is much closer to the Mexican form of Spanish that I became accustomed to back in high school, but it still a language of it's own. There are also some different languages that are thrown in, more so out here than in the city. It makes it more difficult, though it's still not very hard, to communicate with the locals.
The city of Lima is very modern and up-to-date, but traveling away from that, as I have been since Monday (today is Friday), I've seen so much more of what's going on. The people live in a way that's complete normal to them, yet seems so sad from my perspective. There are many people that are very poor, yet I know not whether they feel as if there life is missing something.
In America, it's easy to figure out when you're poor because there are always richer people around you. But here, in these villages, most people are on about the same level. Maybe they're happier that way.
I am on a tour of the country. I began to feel as if I was missing something in my few days in the city, so I figured that an educated tour would be beneficial. We're going all over, seeing the highlights of the country. Yet we have also been passing by some of the places that I mentioned. I am really glad I decided to come here, on the tour and to the country as a whole.
We've gone to the Amazon Rainforest, something I have always wanted to see. It's amazing. The tall, unbelievably tall, trees and the warm, humid air. Everything is so green here, which makes me feel like I might just fit in here. There are so many variations in this favorite color of mine, more so than I had imagined could exist in nature. It's truly dazzling. The animals here... I've never seen animals in the wild like this. The otters and turtles seem so graceful. And the birds. Oh, the birds! There are so many and of so many different colors, shapes and sizes. They fly over constantly and swoop right by. They make us, well, at least, me feel like we're just another part of this endless forest that they reign over.
Tomorrow, we go to the Sacred Valley in the Andes. I've definitely got a desire to see it. It's supposed to be more impressive than anything in the Rockies and, though I've never actually seen the Rockies, it's sure to be remarkable.
Peru is so much different than America, Greece, England and even Spain. I've never been further south than Florida and this is my first time being in the Southern Hemisphere. It's odd, viewing the world in the exact opposite way that I've always known. Everything is backwards... Up is warm, down is cold. Mexico is now North of me and the closest ocean is the Pacific. There's somewhat of a vertigo feeling attached to being here.
I left Spain on July 25th. I still don't know exactly why I decided to leave. I loved it so much and I never really got the sense that I didn't belong. Maybe it was that I never really got the sense that I belonged either. Maybe I will never know.
I decided not to look up my friend in Barcelona. Well, not so much that I made a decision not to contact him. More that I just never made a decision to contact him. As intense and real Madrid was, it was also very laid back and allowed things to slip by.
I've been keeping in contact with Damita. She was a little taken by my sudden departure. I made the decision to board a plane in the morning and was on a plane by mid-afternoon. It was lucky that she was in the lobby, or she never would have seen me leaving. We had already been keeping in contact through her home phone, so it wasn't like I was just going to disappear. But I may have forgotten to say goodbye in my unexplainable rush to leave.
Like with the reason why I left at all, I have no idea why I felt the need to escape so strongly and so without warning. I was sitting down at another café, yet again in that little square with the fountain, writing in my book. It was the first time that I had actually sought out the place. I normally just ended up there, but that morning was different. I woke up very early with this odd, nagging feeling. I thought maybe the sight of that beautiful building and its companions would help it go away. It did. The feeling was gone within minutes of taking my seat at the café, which thankfully had an outer deck.
Someone walked by and waved to me. She was just passing by, on her way to meet someone or to keep an appointment and she looked up while on her way and saw me. She smiled and lifted her hand in a simple, friendly wave. I wasn't quick enough to smile back, but offending her became the farthest thing from my mind. All I could think of was escape.
I stopped by the park on my way back to the hotel, though it was quite a bit out of the way. Even though I was a little out of it by that point, I was still there enough to want to have some sort of goodbye with the city and I did this at the park. It was even more beautiful and glorious in the sunrise.
I chose to come to South America because even though I needed to leave Spain, I wanted to go somewhere similar. I thought, at the time, that the similarity in language would make it feel more like the place I was leaving. I was sorely mistaken. Peru was another world compared to Spain. Not necessarily a bad place, but not what I had been looking for when I came here.
The language here in Peru is much closer to the Mexican form of Spanish that I became accustomed to back in high school, but it still a language of it's own. There are also some different languages that are thrown in, more so out here than in the city. It makes it more difficult, though it's still not very hard, to communicate with the locals.
The city of Lima is very modern and up-to-date, but traveling away from that, as I have been since Monday (today is Friday), I've seen so much more of what's going on. The people live in a way that's complete normal to them, yet seems so sad from my perspective. There are many people that are very poor, yet I know not whether they feel as if there life is missing something.
In America, it's easy to figure out when you're poor because there are always richer people around you. But here, in these villages, most people are on about the same level. Maybe they're happier that way.
I am on a tour of the country. I began to feel as if I was missing something in my few days in the city, so I figured that an educated tour would be beneficial. We're going all over, seeing the highlights of the country. Yet we have also been passing by some of the places that I mentioned. I am really glad I decided to come here, on the tour and to the country as a whole.
We've gone to the Amazon Rainforest, something I have always wanted to see. It's amazing. The tall, unbelievably tall, trees and the warm, humid air. Everything is so green here, which makes me feel like I might just fit in here. There are so many variations in this favorite color of mine, more so than I had imagined could exist in nature. It's truly dazzling. The animals here... I've never seen animals in the wild like this. The otters and turtles seem so graceful. And the birds. Oh, the birds! There are so many and of so many different colors, shapes and sizes. They fly over constantly and swoop right by. They make us, well, at least, me feel like we're just another part of this endless forest that they reign over.
Tomorrow, we go to the Sacred Valley in the Andes. I've definitely got a desire to see it. It's supposed to be more impressive than anything in the Rockies and, though I've never actually seen the Rockies, it's sure to be remarkable.
8-9-14
Dear Journal,
I got back from the tour two days ago and I spent yesterday wondering the city once more. I decided a little less than a week ago that I would move on after the tour was over. I even had time to pick a destination and do some research on it.
Though it did not live up to my original expectations, Peru has a place in my heart. The indescribable forests with the unyielding mountains and the raw connection between human and nature has made me look at my own life a little closer. What I've found is, well, more me than I could have thought possible.
I've got my plane ticket and I've been sitting in the airport for over an hour now, working on my book. My plane doesn't leave for another three hours, but I've already said goodbye to the city and the country, so I figured my time would be best spent here.
I am going to Africa. I am a little afraid, because I know that most of Africa is far below the poverty line and I've never really been exposed to the life that I know they will be living. But one of the biggest reasons that I wanted to be a famous writer was so I would have the money and the ability to help people just like this. I want to make life for them less miserable and full of death and destruction.
I don't know how long I'll stay in Kenya. I probably won't last more than a few weeks before it's time to go. But I still want to experience it, no matter how heart breaking it is.
I got back from the tour two days ago and I spent yesterday wondering the city once more. I decided a little less than a week ago that I would move on after the tour was over. I even had time to pick a destination and do some research on it.
Though it did not live up to my original expectations, Peru has a place in my heart. The indescribable forests with the unyielding mountains and the raw connection between human and nature has made me look at my own life a little closer. What I've found is, well, more me than I could have thought possible.
I've got my plane ticket and I've been sitting in the airport for over an hour now, working on my book. My plane doesn't leave for another three hours, but I've already said goodbye to the city and the country, so I figured my time would be best spent here.
I am going to Africa. I am a little afraid, because I know that most of Africa is far below the poverty line and I've never really been exposed to the life that I know they will be living. But one of the biggest reasons that I wanted to be a famous writer was so I would have the money and the ability to help people just like this. I want to make life for them less miserable and full of death and destruction.
I don't know how long I'll stay in Kenya. I probably won't last more than a few weeks before it's time to go. But I still want to experience it, no matter how heart breaking it is.
8-26-14
Dear Journal,
I'll bet you can't guess where I am now. Here's a hint: It's not Africa.
Just as I expected, I didn't make it very long in Kenya. My first day there, I rented an SUV and hired a guide. I wanted to see the real Kenya, not the visitor friendly version.
My guide's name was Bahati and she was a very strong person. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her. She spoke English, thank goodness, and she wasn't afraid to take me to see some of the most poverty stricken villages in her country. I was only in Kenya for a week, but I spent the entire time with her. It was the first place I've gone that I never stayed in a hotel or even a city.
Between villages, Bahati took me to see the African savanna. For the first time, I saw giraffes and zebras and antelope and buffalo in the wild. It took my breath away. They are so much more free.
Being in Kenya itself was freeing. Never in my life had I seen such a vast and endless stretch of unbroken, amber land. There was nothing to hold you in, to confine you in any way. Though we did come across some more rugged land further inland, much of the area we trekked through was flat and desolate, just the way I began to like it.
I am proud to say that I have now swum in the three biggest oceans in the world, along with the Mediterranean and North Seas. I have been in the Atlantic many times, the first being when I was on vacation in Florida, and numerous times along the northern coast while living in New York. Then, the Mediterranean in Athens and the North in England. Finally, the Pacific while In Peru and the Indian while in Kenya. It's odd to think of how far I've come to get here.
Here is Sydney. I flew to Australia after leaving Kenya. When I knew it was time to leave, I could only think of how close I was to my childhood fantasy. I'd always dreamed of settling down in Australia, with the water and the reef and the outback and the people and everything else that was promised. It has more than lived up to expectations.
I'm staying right in the city of Sydney in a hotel right on the beach. The room is perfectly situated so that I can see nearly the whole city and the ocean through just one of the windows. It's also on one of the top floors, so I am not far from the roof access, which I have been making great use of. I spend a few hours up there each night, just staring at the world below me and writing my book.
I've made even more friends here than I have in the other countries. Actually, I have plans to go to a beach party with some of the people that I've met. I know that I said that the other cities seemed laid back and casual, but Sydney by far takes the cake in that one. Nothing stressful seems to truly matter here. It's all about living life and enjoying yourself. Fine with me.
I've only been here in Sydney for ten days and I have no plans to leave anytime soon. Then again, I didn't have any plans to leave Madrid or Athens, either and I see how well that worked out.
I am just so richly and entirely happy here. It doesn't seem like anything can truly bring me down. Everything makes me smile and everything makes me laugh and everything makes me want to sing. Wow, that sounds so korny. True, but korny.
I met my new friends on my first day out in the city. I had stopped by the millionth café and... seriously though. I have been to cafés and diners in every city and country that I've been to. Even in Kenya, Bahati and I stopped by two or three when we passed through cities on our way.
Anyway, I stopped by a café to rest a moment and take in the sights. And to get a latte, of course. It was crowded, obviously a popular local hangout, and there was only a two-person table near the back, but still along the full-wall window. I took my seat and pulled out my laptop, something that has become an involuntary action since my freshman year of college. I had only gotten down half a paragraph before I got the weird feeling that I was being watched.
I looked around and caught eyes with an entire table of men and woman about my age. They were staring at me and were obviously not ashamed of it, as they continued to stare after I caught them. I asked if they wanted something, and they asked if I was new to town. I told them that I was, most likely, just passing through. That confused them, I could tell, but they didn't press the issue. They asked if I wanted to experience the city the way that the locals do, rather than that of a tourist. One thing led to another and I've been spending my days with them.
There are 5 that make up the main group, with a dozen or so that come and go. Kate, Brian, Shirley, John and Henry. Kate, Brian, Shirley and John grew up in Sydney, but Henry is apparently like me. He was traveling some five years back and the group just sucked him in. He hadn't planned to stay, but he couldn't find it in himself to leave. He was born in Australia, and then moved to America just before high school. He came here on a graduation trip and ended up applying for college here, rather than going to the college he was already accepted to back in the states.
The group and its many affiliates have welcomed me with open arms. They been taking me everywhere, showing me what Sydney looks like to a native. I've been to numerous parties and get-togethers and have seen so much of the heart of the city.
Because I insisted, they first took me to see Sydney Harbour. Brian's dad has a boat, so we took that out and spent hours in the Harbour, sometimes just sitting on deck and hanging out. The Sydney Opera House is so cool and the bridge is fabulous. They also took me to the Sydney tower, the tallest building in the city where the view is more than perfect and the restaurant has some delicious food. Then, we went to see the St. Andrews Cathedral, which is the oldest church in Australia. It was gorgeous and so elegant.
Tomorrow, we're going sidewalk shopping and then I have yet another voyage inland on the following day. This is one that I have been looking forward to since I was a little kid. The guys thought it would be fun to see my reactions and the girls said they hadn't been on a real trip out there in a while, so we're heading to the outback.
I'll bet you can't guess where I am now. Here's a hint: It's not Africa.
Just as I expected, I didn't make it very long in Kenya. My first day there, I rented an SUV and hired a guide. I wanted to see the real Kenya, not the visitor friendly version.
My guide's name was Bahati and she was a very strong person. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her. She spoke English, thank goodness, and she wasn't afraid to take me to see some of the most poverty stricken villages in her country. I was only in Kenya for a week, but I spent the entire time with her. It was the first place I've gone that I never stayed in a hotel or even a city.
Between villages, Bahati took me to see the African savanna. For the first time, I saw giraffes and zebras and antelope and buffalo in the wild. It took my breath away. They are so much more free.
Being in Kenya itself was freeing. Never in my life had I seen such a vast and endless stretch of unbroken, amber land. There was nothing to hold you in, to confine you in any way. Though we did come across some more rugged land further inland, much of the area we trekked through was flat and desolate, just the way I began to like it.
I am proud to say that I have now swum in the three biggest oceans in the world, along with the Mediterranean and North Seas. I have been in the Atlantic many times, the first being when I was on vacation in Florida, and numerous times along the northern coast while living in New York. Then, the Mediterranean in Athens and the North in England. Finally, the Pacific while In Peru and the Indian while in Kenya. It's odd to think of how far I've come to get here.
Here is Sydney. I flew to Australia after leaving Kenya. When I knew it was time to leave, I could only think of how close I was to my childhood fantasy. I'd always dreamed of settling down in Australia, with the water and the reef and the outback and the people and everything else that was promised. It has more than lived up to expectations.
I'm staying right in the city of Sydney in a hotel right on the beach. The room is perfectly situated so that I can see nearly the whole city and the ocean through just one of the windows. It's also on one of the top floors, so I am not far from the roof access, which I have been making great use of. I spend a few hours up there each night, just staring at the world below me and writing my book.
I've made even more friends here than I have in the other countries. Actually, I have plans to go to a beach party with some of the people that I've met. I know that I said that the other cities seemed laid back and casual, but Sydney by far takes the cake in that one. Nothing stressful seems to truly matter here. It's all about living life and enjoying yourself. Fine with me.
I've only been here in Sydney for ten days and I have no plans to leave anytime soon. Then again, I didn't have any plans to leave Madrid or Athens, either and I see how well that worked out.
I am just so richly and entirely happy here. It doesn't seem like anything can truly bring me down. Everything makes me smile and everything makes me laugh and everything makes me want to sing. Wow, that sounds so korny. True, but korny.
I met my new friends on my first day out in the city. I had stopped by the millionth café and... seriously though. I have been to cafés and diners in every city and country that I've been to. Even in Kenya, Bahati and I stopped by two or three when we passed through cities on our way.
Anyway, I stopped by a café to rest a moment and take in the sights. And to get a latte, of course. It was crowded, obviously a popular local hangout, and there was only a two-person table near the back, but still along the full-wall window. I took my seat and pulled out my laptop, something that has become an involuntary action since my freshman year of college. I had only gotten down half a paragraph before I got the weird feeling that I was being watched.
I looked around and caught eyes with an entire table of men and woman about my age. They were staring at me and were obviously not ashamed of it, as they continued to stare after I caught them. I asked if they wanted something, and they asked if I was new to town. I told them that I was, most likely, just passing through. That confused them, I could tell, but they didn't press the issue. They asked if I wanted to experience the city the way that the locals do, rather than that of a tourist. One thing led to another and I've been spending my days with them.
There are 5 that make up the main group, with a dozen or so that come and go. Kate, Brian, Shirley, John and Henry. Kate, Brian, Shirley and John grew up in Sydney, but Henry is apparently like me. He was traveling some five years back and the group just sucked him in. He hadn't planned to stay, but he couldn't find it in himself to leave. He was born in Australia, and then moved to America just before high school. He came here on a graduation trip and ended up applying for college here, rather than going to the college he was already accepted to back in the states.
The group and its many affiliates have welcomed me with open arms. They been taking me everywhere, showing me what Sydney looks like to a native. I've been to numerous parties and get-togethers and have seen so much of the heart of the city.
Because I insisted, they first took me to see Sydney Harbour. Brian's dad has a boat, so we took that out and spent hours in the Harbour, sometimes just sitting on deck and hanging out. The Sydney Opera House is so cool and the bridge is fabulous. They also took me to the Sydney tower, the tallest building in the city where the view is more than perfect and the restaurant has some delicious food. Then, we went to see the St. Andrews Cathedral, which is the oldest church in Australia. It was gorgeous and so elegant.
Tomorrow, we're going sidewalk shopping and then I have yet another voyage inland on the following day. This is one that I have been looking forward to since I was a little kid. The guys thought it would be fun to see my reactions and the girls said they hadn't been on a real trip out there in a while, so we're heading to the outback.
9-14-14
Dear Journal,
I have left the hotel and am now staying at Henry, John and Shirley's place. They've got a good size apartment and Kate and Brian's house is just up the road. Shirley invited me after seeing the bill for the hotel, which she thought was outrageous. I didn't find it to be that bad, but then she got the others and they insisted.
I've begun to lose track of time a lot more often. I didn't realize until the Sept. 8th that the month had even changed over. Hanging with these guys... it's become sort of my life here. I have so much in common with them, Henry especially. He understands my love of American culture and he also gets what I mean when I say that I am almost losing myself here, becoming a part of the city in an intimate way. He said the same thing happened with him. He began to view himself as the old Henry and the new Henry. This place changed him, he said and he doesn't think he'll ever go back. He says he recognizes the same symptoms in me.
Mostly, our time is spent at various beaches, cafés (I know, shocker!), clubs, house parties and also a lot of time just hanging out at the apartment and Kate and Brian's house. I can't even begin to count the number of parties I've been to since coming here. I know almost everyone's names from the extended group and I've become sort of ingrained into their world. I've been here for just short of a month now and it seems the others don't think I'll ever leave. I don't know if I will or not.
Kat, my publisher, has been emailing me, asking about my progress. She's been along this ride with me, always outwardly shocked to find out that I've moved on yet again, though I don't know if she's really all that surprised. I think she's getting restless. I've been here longer than I stayed anywhere else and I don't know whether she feels as if she's prepared to handle a permanent, international writer. It's more than that, though. Kat has been a good friend of mine since she signed me nearly two years ago and our relationship has never been strictly business. She's always cared about my personal life and I hers. But she's also always been concerned with my personal life. I think she saw this coming even more than I did and maybe that she hoped I would find my way back to New York.
The group find what I do fascinating. John is the only one still in college, and they all followed majors in more practical fields, including business and health services. Trying to make a career out of creative writing is something they find incredible and it amuses me how much interest they take when I pull out my laptop. I think what really took them by surprise was, one day that we had ended up sidewalk shopping, that they found my books on the shelf in a book store. They were amazed to see my name in print. And, to be honest, seeing that my books had made it this far gave me quite an ego boost.
They all just had to buy them, of course. I don't know what compelled each of them to buy their own copies, but they have been reading them whenever we have a free moment, which really isn't that often. Kate already finished the first and swears that she loves it. She gets angry that I won't let her see what I am working on now, but I know she won't push me too far and will wait until it gets published officially. I've promised to send them each copies when it finally does, though that brought up the whole other topic of me leaving at all, which they can't comprehend and I'm not sure will ever happen.
I have left the hotel and am now staying at Henry, John and Shirley's place. They've got a good size apartment and Kate and Brian's house is just up the road. Shirley invited me after seeing the bill for the hotel, which she thought was outrageous. I didn't find it to be that bad, but then she got the others and they insisted.
I've begun to lose track of time a lot more often. I didn't realize until the Sept. 8th that the month had even changed over. Hanging with these guys... it's become sort of my life here. I have so much in common with them, Henry especially. He understands my love of American culture and he also gets what I mean when I say that I am almost losing myself here, becoming a part of the city in an intimate way. He said the same thing happened with him. He began to view himself as the old Henry and the new Henry. This place changed him, he said and he doesn't think he'll ever go back. He says he recognizes the same symptoms in me.
Mostly, our time is spent at various beaches, cafés (I know, shocker!), clubs, house parties and also a lot of time just hanging out at the apartment and Kate and Brian's house. I can't even begin to count the number of parties I've been to since coming here. I know almost everyone's names from the extended group and I've become sort of ingrained into their world. I've been here for just short of a month now and it seems the others don't think I'll ever leave. I don't know if I will or not.
Kat, my publisher, has been emailing me, asking about my progress. She's been along this ride with me, always outwardly shocked to find out that I've moved on yet again, though I don't know if she's really all that surprised. I think she's getting restless. I've been here longer than I stayed anywhere else and I don't know whether she feels as if she's prepared to handle a permanent, international writer. It's more than that, though. Kat has been a good friend of mine since she signed me nearly two years ago and our relationship has never been strictly business. She's always cared about my personal life and I hers. But she's also always been concerned with my personal life. I think she saw this coming even more than I did and maybe that she hoped I would find my way back to New York.
The group find what I do fascinating. John is the only one still in college, and they all followed majors in more practical fields, including business and health services. Trying to make a career out of creative writing is something they find incredible and it amuses me how much interest they take when I pull out my laptop. I think what really took them by surprise was, one day that we had ended up sidewalk shopping, that they found my books on the shelf in a book store. They were amazed to see my name in print. And, to be honest, seeing that my books had made it this far gave me quite an ego boost.
They all just had to buy them, of course. I don't know what compelled each of them to buy their own copies, but they have been reading them whenever we have a free moment, which really isn't that often. Kate already finished the first and swears that she loves it. She gets angry that I won't let her see what I am working on now, but I know she won't push me too far and will wait until it gets published officially. I've promised to send them each copies when it finally does, though that brought up the whole other topic of me leaving at all, which they can't comprehend and I'm not sure will ever happen.
10-5-14
Dear Journal,
Henry was the most heartbroken to see me go. And I definitely miss him more than the others. He and I connected through our similar experiences in the city, through us both having been chosen by the group and something else that is utterly indescribable.
I never got the sense that I needed to leave. I never felt the need to escape. I never decided that I didn't belong there and I never felt myself reverting back to my childhood.
Henry was right. That place... it changed you. It turned you into someone totally different, someone that was perfectly fitted to love Sydney and it's people and the life there. That person was happy and never sweat the small stuff and lived life to the fullest, always surrounded by people who were just like her. I like that person a lot. But I was not that person.
I eventually decided to leave because I could feel myself changing and I couldn't find it in me to dislike the change. I was happy and enjoying myself more than I had in Athens or London or Madrid or Peru or Kenya. I was beginning to feel like I belonged, which is what I thought I was searching for. But the person that was getting that sense of belonging was not the person who had stepped off the plane. I realized that it wasn't just a feeling that I fit in that I was searching for. I was searching for a place where the true me fit in. The thing is, I like who I am, the woman who went to Sydney and I didn't want to be anyone else. Knowing that didn't help much. I just had to hold on to that last shred of logic and find the power to take that step.
I asked him to come with me, even though I knew he wouldn't, or couldn't. He was far too gone to come back, much as we both wanted it. We've been talking though. Everyday. He says that the other guys have been doing really well, though they miss me. They got accustomed to being a six-some, and now are back to being a five-some. Henry complains that he's back to being the fifth wheel, though I know he only does it to get me to come back.
I continued east, though technically I passed back into the Western Hemisphere. Actually, I passed into the Northern Hemisphere as well. That's right. I am back in my home hemisphere. Even more, I am back in my home country. Well, for all intensive purposes...
I think the reason I ended up in Hawaii is because I know that ending up back where I belong is inevitable and this is my way of subconsciously avoiding it. Then again, maybe it's just because I craved to be back in America and don't really know where home is yet, so I am staying here to stall until I figure that out. Either way, I know that being here is only temporary and for the first time, I am actually treating it like a vacation. This may turn out to be my best idea since I left Columbia. Vacations are so fun.
Hawaii is much more colorful than all the ads portray it. It's also much cozier. The water is warmer and the smell is prettier. Everything is just better than everyone lets on.
I've rented a little cottage for my stay here, rather than paying each night for a hotel. It's small, but the decorations are so adorably Hawaiian that I loved the place as soon as I laid eyes on it. It's somewhat of a drive from the city, but it's still on the coast and there's a small beach out front that no one else seems to use. The whole area is quite secluded, back in the woods and up pretty high, so I have near perfect silence, at least from all things human.
I arrived in Hawaii on September 27th and since then, I really haven't done all that much. Mostly, I spend my days with my laptop on the beach, occasionally taking a dip in the water and always wearing a lot of powerful sunscreen. It's something my mom used to say was not a sun blocker; it was a skin-bleacher.
I've been thinking of them a lot. My parents, I mean. And the rest of my family. I've been finding it hard to remember why we haven't talked in so long. Any reasons I could have come up with at the beginning of the summer seem stupid and unimportant to me now.
The last I knew, my parents were still living in Kingsley, my mother not having the heart to move south like she'd planned because the youngest of my older brothers wouldn't leave his father and the job that he had with him. She couldn't leave her grandson and granddaughter. Oh, wow, do I miss them! Braydon was my little guy and his sister was hands down the sweetest little toddler you ever met. It's been almost three years since I've seen them...
My oldest brother was still in Georgia, where my cousin and her husband lived because he was based there in Augusta. She had a son that loved his new father and they had two little daughters of their own. My brother moved there to look for work because Michigan wasn't doing so hot back when I was in high school. I've no idea what's going on there now. My middle brother was still working for his father as well but was now, well, then the second in command in the company. His had proposed to his long-term girlfriend on Christmas Eve, a day before the fight. My sister was still in college, working to be an RN.
I kept in touch with my aunt longer than anybody, though we fell out of touch almost a year ago. She'd kept me informed with the basics of what was going on, but wouldn't give me any details out of respect for their privacy. The only big news was that my second brother's fiancé found out she was pregnant about four months before the last time I spoke with my aunt. She said that the family knew she was in contact with me, but never asked about me.
I didn't know if that meant they didn't care or they were too hurt to bring it up. I hoped it was the latter for selfish reasons. I didn't want them suffering, but I especially didn't want them to forget about me at all, as though I never existed. I wonder if Braydon had ever asked what happened to his Aunt Kari, who had so suddenly dropped from his life. He'd just turned five the last time he saw me. He's almost eight now and has probably forgotten me entirely.
The islands of Hawaii are so tropical, so glowing. They radiate with an inner light. Then again, that could always just be because they sit directly on top of one of the largest pockets of flowing lava near the crust, but I think it's more that the islands themselves have that shine factor. Just being here can brighten any mood. The beautiful, and I mean beautiful flowers that are so unique. Nowhere, not even in the Amazon Rainforest itself, have I seen flowers with such vibrancy and charm. The birds, like the rainforest, seem to have their own little world in which they are the rulers and all others are their servants. It's cute, in a way.
Currently, I have no immediate plans to go explore more like I did in many of the other cities. I'm sure that at some point, I will go out and check out the more famous rock formations and volcano fields, but for now, I am just sitting back and relaxing.
Henry was the most heartbroken to see me go. And I definitely miss him more than the others. He and I connected through our similar experiences in the city, through us both having been chosen by the group and something else that is utterly indescribable.
I never got the sense that I needed to leave. I never felt the need to escape. I never decided that I didn't belong there and I never felt myself reverting back to my childhood.
Henry was right. That place... it changed you. It turned you into someone totally different, someone that was perfectly fitted to love Sydney and it's people and the life there. That person was happy and never sweat the small stuff and lived life to the fullest, always surrounded by people who were just like her. I like that person a lot. But I was not that person.
I eventually decided to leave because I could feel myself changing and I couldn't find it in me to dislike the change. I was happy and enjoying myself more than I had in Athens or London or Madrid or Peru or Kenya. I was beginning to feel like I belonged, which is what I thought I was searching for. But the person that was getting that sense of belonging was not the person who had stepped off the plane. I realized that it wasn't just a feeling that I fit in that I was searching for. I was searching for a place where the true me fit in. The thing is, I like who I am, the woman who went to Sydney and I didn't want to be anyone else. Knowing that didn't help much. I just had to hold on to that last shred of logic and find the power to take that step.
I asked him to come with me, even though I knew he wouldn't, or couldn't. He was far too gone to come back, much as we both wanted it. We've been talking though. Everyday. He says that the other guys have been doing really well, though they miss me. They got accustomed to being a six-some, and now are back to being a five-some. Henry complains that he's back to being the fifth wheel, though I know he only does it to get me to come back.
I continued east, though technically I passed back into the Western Hemisphere. Actually, I passed into the Northern Hemisphere as well. That's right. I am back in my home hemisphere. Even more, I am back in my home country. Well, for all intensive purposes...
I think the reason I ended up in Hawaii is because I know that ending up back where I belong is inevitable and this is my way of subconsciously avoiding it. Then again, maybe it's just because I craved to be back in America and don't really know where home is yet, so I am staying here to stall until I figure that out. Either way, I know that being here is only temporary and for the first time, I am actually treating it like a vacation. This may turn out to be my best idea since I left Columbia. Vacations are so fun.
Hawaii is much more colorful than all the ads portray it. It's also much cozier. The water is warmer and the smell is prettier. Everything is just better than everyone lets on.
I've rented a little cottage for my stay here, rather than paying each night for a hotel. It's small, but the decorations are so adorably Hawaiian that I loved the place as soon as I laid eyes on it. It's somewhat of a drive from the city, but it's still on the coast and there's a small beach out front that no one else seems to use. The whole area is quite secluded, back in the woods and up pretty high, so I have near perfect silence, at least from all things human.
I arrived in Hawaii on September 27th and since then, I really haven't done all that much. Mostly, I spend my days with my laptop on the beach, occasionally taking a dip in the water and always wearing a lot of powerful sunscreen. It's something my mom used to say was not a sun blocker; it was a skin-bleacher.
I've been thinking of them a lot. My parents, I mean. And the rest of my family. I've been finding it hard to remember why we haven't talked in so long. Any reasons I could have come up with at the beginning of the summer seem stupid and unimportant to me now.
The last I knew, my parents were still living in Kingsley, my mother not having the heart to move south like she'd planned because the youngest of my older brothers wouldn't leave his father and the job that he had with him. She couldn't leave her grandson and granddaughter. Oh, wow, do I miss them! Braydon was my little guy and his sister was hands down the sweetest little toddler you ever met. It's been almost three years since I've seen them...
My oldest brother was still in Georgia, where my cousin and her husband lived because he was based there in Augusta. She had a son that loved his new father and they had two little daughters of their own. My brother moved there to look for work because Michigan wasn't doing so hot back when I was in high school. I've no idea what's going on there now. My middle brother was still working for his father as well but was now, well, then the second in command in the company. His had proposed to his long-term girlfriend on Christmas Eve, a day before the fight. My sister was still in college, working to be an RN.
I kept in touch with my aunt longer than anybody, though we fell out of touch almost a year ago. She'd kept me informed with the basics of what was going on, but wouldn't give me any details out of respect for their privacy. The only big news was that my second brother's fiancé found out she was pregnant about four months before the last time I spoke with my aunt. She said that the family knew she was in contact with me, but never asked about me.
I didn't know if that meant they didn't care or they were too hurt to bring it up. I hoped it was the latter for selfish reasons. I didn't want them suffering, but I especially didn't want them to forget about me at all, as though I never existed. I wonder if Braydon had ever asked what happened to his Aunt Kari, who had so suddenly dropped from his life. He'd just turned five the last time he saw me. He's almost eight now and has probably forgotten me entirely.
The islands of Hawaii are so tropical, so glowing. They radiate with an inner light. Then again, that could always just be because they sit directly on top of one of the largest pockets of flowing lava near the crust, but I think it's more that the islands themselves have that shine factor. Just being here can brighten any mood. The beautiful, and I mean beautiful flowers that are so unique. Nowhere, not even in the Amazon Rainforest itself, have I seen flowers with such vibrancy and charm. The birds, like the rainforest, seem to have their own little world in which they are the rulers and all others are their servants. It's cute, in a way.
Currently, I have no immediate plans to go explore more like I did in many of the other cities. I'm sure that at some point, I will go out and check out the more famous rock formations and volcano fields, but for now, I am just sitting back and relaxing.
10-21-14
Dear Journal,
I just finished packing my things and cleaning up the cabin one last time. My plane leaves tomorrow morning. My vacation is over because I've finally realized where home is.
For the first time ever in my life, I am excited to be going to Kingsley. I got so bored with the town and had many memories that weren't exactly cheerful. But now, I can find nothing but excitement at the thought of seeing my family and can only think of all the funny and happy moments that I had with them. I remember playing in our house band and joking around about stuff that wasn't funny to anyone but us. I remember chasing after my nephew and niece, babysitting my cousins when they were home from Georgia. I think maybe my favorite memory of all would be teaching Braydon to read our last summer together. We both got so much joy from books.
I think maybe I knew it all along, that my true home is and always would be wherever my family was. But I had always lived in a world of fantasy and fiction, so I had a tendency to run from the shock of reality. Not anymore. Not ever again would I forget that though we disagree and fight and hate each other, our family would always be there for and love each other. Never again would I let myself stay away for so long.
Once this final plane ride is over, I will have literally traveled around the world. I will have set foot on all but one of the continents of our planet. I will have searched the entire Earth looking for something that was always in the most obvious place.
I learned a lot the summer, more than I did in four years at an Ivy League university. In Athens, I learned that the past would always be with us and be a part of us. In London, I learned that sometimes growing up is a good thing and it's best to stay that way. In Madrid, I learned that the world is always there, waiting in its stark realism. In Peru, I learned that culture is often more important than convenience. In Kenya, I learned that it's often the strongest among us that are hurting the most and that it is up to everyone to lend a helping hand. In Sydney, I learned that being true to yourself is the only way to truly live life. And, finally, here in Hawaii, I learned that taking a break is the best way to get things done and that there's more beauty in color than I had before realized.
I wonder what my family will say, seeing me as I am now. I've changed a lot since they last saw me, more so in the last four and a half months than anything else. Will they all be glad to see me? Will my nephew and niece recognize me? Will my new niece or nephew like me? Will my siblings be angry, having preferred it when I was out of their hair and out of their way? Will my mother cry? Will my father?
I know that I will cry. There's no doubt about it. I haven't shed a tear for anything since that disastrous Christmas nearly three years ago. Not when my friend from college discovered she was pregnant from a guy she'd met at a club. Not when my roommate's mother passed away suddenly from the flu. Not even one tear while looking at the wonder in Europe or the heartbreak in Kenya. And I was the only female with dry eyes when I left Sydney and that included the extended group. Even Henry's eyes showed moisture. But not mine. Subconsciously, there was nothing I could experience that would come even close to the pain I felt at being chopped from my family tree. If it couldn't compare, was it worth my tears?
I got back into contact with my aunt. Thankfully, she still had the same phone number or I would've had no way to communicate with her. She's the only one that knows I'm going back. She said that she'll make sure that the whole family is at my mom's house when I get there, including my oldest brother, who is luckily back in Michigan celebrating my niece's (it's was a girl!) second birthday. I'm nervous, of course, to see everyone, but it's time now for me to go, back to my annoying, self-proclaimed conservative hicktown that I will forever call home.
I just finished packing my things and cleaning up the cabin one last time. My plane leaves tomorrow morning. My vacation is over because I've finally realized where home is.
For the first time ever in my life, I am excited to be going to Kingsley. I got so bored with the town and had many memories that weren't exactly cheerful. But now, I can find nothing but excitement at the thought of seeing my family and can only think of all the funny and happy moments that I had with them. I remember playing in our house band and joking around about stuff that wasn't funny to anyone but us. I remember chasing after my nephew and niece, babysitting my cousins when they were home from Georgia. I think maybe my favorite memory of all would be teaching Braydon to read our last summer together. We both got so much joy from books.
I think maybe I knew it all along, that my true home is and always would be wherever my family was. But I had always lived in a world of fantasy and fiction, so I had a tendency to run from the shock of reality. Not anymore. Not ever again would I forget that though we disagree and fight and hate each other, our family would always be there for and love each other. Never again would I let myself stay away for so long.
Once this final plane ride is over, I will have literally traveled around the world. I will have set foot on all but one of the continents of our planet. I will have searched the entire Earth looking for something that was always in the most obvious place.
I learned a lot the summer, more than I did in four years at an Ivy League university. In Athens, I learned that the past would always be with us and be a part of us. In London, I learned that sometimes growing up is a good thing and it's best to stay that way. In Madrid, I learned that the world is always there, waiting in its stark realism. In Peru, I learned that culture is often more important than convenience. In Kenya, I learned that it's often the strongest among us that are hurting the most and that it is up to everyone to lend a helping hand. In Sydney, I learned that being true to yourself is the only way to truly live life. And, finally, here in Hawaii, I learned that taking a break is the best way to get things done and that there's more beauty in color than I had before realized.
I wonder what my family will say, seeing me as I am now. I've changed a lot since they last saw me, more so in the last four and a half months than anything else. Will they all be glad to see me? Will my nephew and niece recognize me? Will my new niece or nephew like me? Will my siblings be angry, having preferred it when I was out of their hair and out of their way? Will my mother cry? Will my father?
I know that I will cry. There's no doubt about it. I haven't shed a tear for anything since that disastrous Christmas nearly three years ago. Not when my friend from college discovered she was pregnant from a guy she'd met at a club. Not when my roommate's mother passed away suddenly from the flu. Not even one tear while looking at the wonder in Europe or the heartbreak in Kenya. And I was the only female with dry eyes when I left Sydney and that included the extended group. Even Henry's eyes showed moisture. But not mine. Subconsciously, there was nothing I could experience that would come even close to the pain I felt at being chopped from my family tree. If it couldn't compare, was it worth my tears?
I got back into contact with my aunt. Thankfully, she still had the same phone number or I would've had no way to communicate with her. She's the only one that knows I'm going back. She said that she'll make sure that the whole family is at my mom's house when I get there, including my oldest brother, who is luckily back in Michigan celebrating my niece's (it's was a girl!) second birthday. I'm nervous, of course, to see everyone, but it's time now for me to go, back to my annoying, self-proclaimed conservative hicktown that I will forever call home.
11-29-14
Dear Journal,
So much has happened since I moved back. It's been a whirlwind of one emotional wall after another, but I will try to recap.
I called my aunt as soon as I got off the plane in Traverse City. She said that the whole family was at the house. She didn't say how she got them all there, just that they wouldn't be expecting anyone. She wanted to go for shock and awe and I really didn't have a problem with that.
I rented a car and drove the familiar road to my childhood home. There were seven cars, one for each of my parents and siblings and one for my aunt. I drove by and parked around the corner. I didn't want the sound of a car door to alert anyone.
There was, of course, already snow on the ground. Not even global warming could stop the skies from blanketing this small valley in a white frosting. But after 18 years in Michigan and four in New York, snow had ceased to bother me.
I walked up to the door, thankful that the old bush still covered the window facing the street. There was a new doorbell that hadn't been here the last time and I pushed it.
So much has happened since I moved back. It's been a whirlwind of one emotional wall after another, but I will try to recap.
I called my aunt as soon as I got off the plane in Traverse City. She said that the whole family was at the house. She didn't say how she got them all there, just that they wouldn't be expecting anyone. She wanted to go for shock and awe and I really didn't have a problem with that.
I rented a car and drove the familiar road to my childhood home. There were seven cars, one for each of my parents and siblings and one for my aunt. I drove by and parked around the corner. I didn't want the sound of a car door to alert anyone.
There was, of course, already snow on the ground. Not even global warming could stop the skies from blanketing this small valley in a white frosting. But after 18 years in Michigan and four in New York, snow had ceased to bother me.
I walked up to the door, thankful that the old bush still covered the window facing the street. There was a new doorbell that hadn't been here the last time and I pushed it.
Immediately, I heard the sounds of screaming children and barking dogs. They were the first to the door, though my aunt was not far behind, standing smirking in the kitchen doorway. There were two little girls, one I instantly recognized as my niece and the other, younger one that I assumed to be the same. A young boy followed, chasing his sister. When he looked up, his smile brightened my day.
He rushed to the door and opened it and yelled my name. He remembered me. He hadn't seen me since he was five, but he remembered me. His mother followed, scolding him for opening the door for a stranger and then she recognized me. She rushed forward and gave me a hug and called everyone to come.
The next hour of my life passed both in a blur and with every moment etched into my memory. I can't begin to describe the looks on their faces when they saw me for the first time in so long, nor the way their smiles made me feel. Even my sister, who I'd quarreled with all through childhood and high school, was happy to see me. Everyone cried. My elder niece, who'd been just shy of three when I'd left, was confused at first, but Braydon explained who I was and she seems to remember as well.
My other niece seemed to recognize me and moving through the house I saw why. My mother had kept all the pictures of me up, even having added some since I was last here. It touched my heart that they didn't try to erase me.
I had planned to stay at my aunt's house until I found a more permanent place, but my father and mother insisted that I stay with them. They had turned my sister's old room into a playroom for the grandkids, but my old room was still unoccupied. I was happy to take it. I was glad to see that they hadn't changed the walls. When I was a teen, I had written over hundred of my favorite quotes all over the walls in my room because my brother's and I had damaged them too much to be painted. The effect was much better than any solid color.
I sat up late that first night, having found a strong inspiration for my book. I looked around me, reading and rereading the lines from books and songs that had so perfectly defined my teenage years. It set me going on the story. I've finished it now, by the way. I ended up changing it and almost entirely rewriting the entire plot, but it's now done. I'm proud of it and comforted that it really represents who I am as a writer.
My entire family had already read the first two books. Even the two younger of my brothers, who were not known for their liking of literature. I've already caught my sister trying to peek at my laptop once. She always was the impatient type. Luckily, I long ago learned to lock my computer when not using it. I lived in New York. What else can you expect?
I stayed at my parents’ home for most of the last month before finding an apartment to rent. It's small, but I love having something that I can call mine. It's in Traverse City, just 15 miles from my parents’ house and only 25 from my youngest brother and his kids. My sister and second brother are living in Traverse City as well.
I bought a car. It's old and not necessarily pretty, but it was cheap. It's my first car, so it doesn't have to be all fancy. I like it. It gets me from point A to point B.
Kat is excited that I seem to have finally settled down. In the states. She said I really had her worried when I was in Sydney. I do have to travel to New York to oversee some of the publishing details now that I've completed the book, but that won't be until mid-December. I've still got roughly another month to be with my family.
Both of my nieces now recognize me and call me by name. Braydon is excited to have me back. He told me that he always wondered what happened, but that no one would talk about it. He'd been at home and in bed with a babysitter when I'd stormed out, so he had no idea about the fight. He asked about the guy that I'd brought home, the reason for the fight, but I told him not to worry about any of it. The past was history.
I spend nearly everyday with at least one member of the family. My siblings and I finally got around to the outing we'd been planning since I was teenager, but never got to. We'd wanted to go out and do something, just the five of us. No wives, girlfriends or boyfriends and no kids. We ended up going to the beach and spending sometime out on my uncle's boat. It was so much fun. It didn't matter that we are all adults. We got to just be kids again.
My extended family welcomed me with open arms, on both sides. My father's family actually held a party to welcome me back, something that didn't surprise me in the least. They did that a lot with my other cousins that traveled.
Everyone was shocked to hear me recount my summer. My third brother refused to believe that I'd been so many places until I started showing him receipts from the hotels and cafés. There were a lot of them, from every country.
I didn't have any pictures because I didn't have a camera. It wasn't something I felt the need to invest in, though I am sorry now that I couldn't share the beautiful sights that I'd seen with them.
Things are beginning to settle back into what I would assume is normal for them, with my presence being the only exception. My oldest brother returned to his family in Georgia last week. I've promised to visit him on my way back from New York, though it's not along the way at all. Also, in the nearly two weeks that I've been here in my apartment, my family has taken a tendency to just drop by whenever they happen to be in Traverse, something I welcome each time. My sister lives just a few blocks away and my brother only about three miles north, so I am sure that the dropping by is something they've all gotten accustomed to. I'm glad that they include me.
The weirdest part about living here is running into people from school. I've seen at least half of my graduating class and also a lot of other kids that I went to high school with. One meeting in particular was awkward because I ran into an unpleasant girl that I'd never really been friends with at the grocery store. The awkward part was that she was the cashier. Oh, the irony. After seeing me and noticeably recognizing me, more so from my recent fame in town than from our years at high school I would guess, she made no more effort to bring attention to our differing fates.
Though I was still mostly unknown as a writer in New York and in the writing community, the people of Kingsley found me to be their hometown celebrity. More people talked to me than would have four years ago. At first the attention was flattering, but it soon wore on me as fake and annoying.
He rushed to the door and opened it and yelled my name. He remembered me. He hadn't seen me since he was five, but he remembered me. His mother followed, scolding him for opening the door for a stranger and then she recognized me. She rushed forward and gave me a hug and called everyone to come.
The next hour of my life passed both in a blur and with every moment etched into my memory. I can't begin to describe the looks on their faces when they saw me for the first time in so long, nor the way their smiles made me feel. Even my sister, who I'd quarreled with all through childhood and high school, was happy to see me. Everyone cried. My elder niece, who'd been just shy of three when I'd left, was confused at first, but Braydon explained who I was and she seems to remember as well.
My other niece seemed to recognize me and moving through the house I saw why. My mother had kept all the pictures of me up, even having added some since I was last here. It touched my heart that they didn't try to erase me.
I had planned to stay at my aunt's house until I found a more permanent place, but my father and mother insisted that I stay with them. They had turned my sister's old room into a playroom for the grandkids, but my old room was still unoccupied. I was happy to take it. I was glad to see that they hadn't changed the walls. When I was a teen, I had written over hundred of my favorite quotes all over the walls in my room because my brother's and I had damaged them too much to be painted. The effect was much better than any solid color.
I sat up late that first night, having found a strong inspiration for my book. I looked around me, reading and rereading the lines from books and songs that had so perfectly defined my teenage years. It set me going on the story. I've finished it now, by the way. I ended up changing it and almost entirely rewriting the entire plot, but it's now done. I'm proud of it and comforted that it really represents who I am as a writer.
My entire family had already read the first two books. Even the two younger of my brothers, who were not known for their liking of literature. I've already caught my sister trying to peek at my laptop once. She always was the impatient type. Luckily, I long ago learned to lock my computer when not using it. I lived in New York. What else can you expect?
I stayed at my parents’ home for most of the last month before finding an apartment to rent. It's small, but I love having something that I can call mine. It's in Traverse City, just 15 miles from my parents’ house and only 25 from my youngest brother and his kids. My sister and second brother are living in Traverse City as well.
I bought a car. It's old and not necessarily pretty, but it was cheap. It's my first car, so it doesn't have to be all fancy. I like it. It gets me from point A to point B.
Kat is excited that I seem to have finally settled down. In the states. She said I really had her worried when I was in Sydney. I do have to travel to New York to oversee some of the publishing details now that I've completed the book, but that won't be until mid-December. I've still got roughly another month to be with my family.
Both of my nieces now recognize me and call me by name. Braydon is excited to have me back. He told me that he always wondered what happened, but that no one would talk about it. He'd been at home and in bed with a babysitter when I'd stormed out, so he had no idea about the fight. He asked about the guy that I'd brought home, the reason for the fight, but I told him not to worry about any of it. The past was history.
I spend nearly everyday with at least one member of the family. My siblings and I finally got around to the outing we'd been planning since I was teenager, but never got to. We'd wanted to go out and do something, just the five of us. No wives, girlfriends or boyfriends and no kids. We ended up going to the beach and spending sometime out on my uncle's boat. It was so much fun. It didn't matter that we are all adults. We got to just be kids again.
My extended family welcomed me with open arms, on both sides. My father's family actually held a party to welcome me back, something that didn't surprise me in the least. They did that a lot with my other cousins that traveled.
Everyone was shocked to hear me recount my summer. My third brother refused to believe that I'd been so many places until I started showing him receipts from the hotels and cafés. There were a lot of them, from every country.
I didn't have any pictures because I didn't have a camera. It wasn't something I felt the need to invest in, though I am sorry now that I couldn't share the beautiful sights that I'd seen with them.
Things are beginning to settle back into what I would assume is normal for them, with my presence being the only exception. My oldest brother returned to his family in Georgia last week. I've promised to visit him on my way back from New York, though it's not along the way at all. Also, in the nearly two weeks that I've been here in my apartment, my family has taken a tendency to just drop by whenever they happen to be in Traverse, something I welcome each time. My sister lives just a few blocks away and my brother only about three miles north, so I am sure that the dropping by is something they've all gotten accustomed to. I'm glad that they include me.
The weirdest part about living here is running into people from school. I've seen at least half of my graduating class and also a lot of other kids that I went to high school with. One meeting in particular was awkward because I ran into an unpleasant girl that I'd never really been friends with at the grocery store. The awkward part was that she was the cashier. Oh, the irony. After seeing me and noticeably recognizing me, more so from my recent fame in town than from our years at high school I would guess, she made no more effort to bring attention to our differing fates.
Though I was still mostly unknown as a writer in New York and in the writing community, the people of Kingsley found me to be their hometown celebrity. More people talked to me than would have four years ago. At first the attention was flattering, but it soon wore on me as fake and annoying.
The weirdest part about being back is that the last time I spent any real time here, I was a kid, just 18. My college summers before the fallout were spent mostly with family down south and the other school breaks left little time for just being. But now I am experiencing this area, Kingsley and Traverse City, as an adult. The difference may not have been so noticeable to someone who'd experienced it slowly, but my memories of this place seem childish and lacking in substance compared to what I see around me today.
I thought about looking for a job at first, to occupy my time if nothing else. I didn't need the money, but I didn't want to be bored. I always had something to do at Columbia and my traveling definitely kept me on my feet, except for Hawaii. But I realized that this is how it's supposed to be for me. I need to spend some more quality time writing, working on all those ideas that fill my head. I still have some unfinished projects from high school and I definitely got a lot of ideas while living in New York.
I also will have more quality time to spend with my nephew and nieces and all my cousins. And there will also be plenty of time for a social life, going out and meeting new people. Getting my life on track and making something of it. "
I thought about looking for a job at first, to occupy my time if nothing else. I didn't need the money, but I didn't want to be bored. I always had something to do at Columbia and my traveling definitely kept me on my feet, except for Hawaii. But I realized that this is how it's supposed to be for me. I need to spend some more quality time writing, working on all those ideas that fill my head. I still have some unfinished projects from high school and I definitely got a lot of ideas while living in New York.
I also will have more quality time to spend with my nephew and nieces and all my cousins. And there will also be plenty of time for a social life, going out and meeting new people. Getting my life on track and making something of it. "
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Pondering
The school year is coming to a close and part of me just doesn't really care. I don't want to have to go to school anymore, but I think part of me thinks it doesn't really matter anymore... This is the end of my junior year and I'm scared. I'm scared because my big sister is graduating and I will be the only Borse/Huffman at the school for the first time. I've never been alone there, never been on my own. I'm scared because her graduating means it's my turn. We've always sort of done things together because we are so close in age. Even if she did it a year before me, I got to watch her and follow in her footsteps. It was never "Kelly's almost old enough.....". It was "The girls are almost old enough..." But this is one of those things you just can't share. This is HER time, this single event we each do one our own. They boys were years apart, so it was easier to distinguish, but in just 12 short months I am going to follow in their footsteps, the last of us. I'm scared because I only have one year left to leave my mark, to become something at this school. I don't want to be just another graduate, and I know the rest of next years seniors aren't going to be just another graduating class. These kids are definitely going to make a splash and I can't wait to take part.
I am also scared because I don't know. I don't know where I am going to go from here. I have so many options, so many opportunities... But there is no way they are all right for me and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity because I sat around waiting for the path to show itself. I don't know if I can handle it. I have never been left to my own will, been allowed to do things for myself and myself alone. But I have to now.
But with all of these fears, and so many more I didn't mention, I'm not worried. I never let myself worry because worry stops you from doing things. I see it with the people around me so much. When they let their fear take over and become worry, they let it stop them from living their lives and being free. I will never let my fear cripple me.
Nor will I let the doubt of others stop me. Even though I know they care and they WANT me to reach my goals, I know my parents don't fully believe in me. There's being practical and there's being cynical. My parents definitely fall into the latter. I know for a fact they don't see me going off to New York for college or California. They see me staying here, maybe attending MSU or Michigan. But I won't let that happen. I don't just want more, I need more, HAVE to have it. I have been cooped up in this little town my entire life and I HAVE to get so far away that I can somehow find the ability to appreciate all these years of feeling caged and oppressed. I never want to feel like this again.
I am also scared because I feel like I am missing out on some essential high school experience: dating. I think, every year, that somehow during the nine months of school i'll find someone interesting who is interested. I think that it's gonna happen and it never does. I am sick of lying to girls who ask why i don't date, saying I just don't like the guys at our school. Truth is, they don't like Me. how pathetic is that.
I am excited, and anxious. I want this year to come. I can't wait to read the letter I wrote to myself when I was 14 or 15, that I am supposed to open the night before my senior year. How crazy is it that that time has already come??
XOXO
Kari Richelle
I am also scared because I don't know. I don't know where I am going to go from here. I have so many options, so many opportunities... But there is no way they are all right for me and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity because I sat around waiting for the path to show itself. I don't know if I can handle it. I have never been left to my own will, been allowed to do things for myself and myself alone. But I have to now.
But with all of these fears, and so many more I didn't mention, I'm not worried. I never let myself worry because worry stops you from doing things. I see it with the people around me so much. When they let their fear take over and become worry, they let it stop them from living their lives and being free. I will never let my fear cripple me.
Nor will I let the doubt of others stop me. Even though I know they care and they WANT me to reach my goals, I know my parents don't fully believe in me. There's being practical and there's being cynical. My parents definitely fall into the latter. I know for a fact they don't see me going off to New York for college or California. They see me staying here, maybe attending MSU or Michigan. But I won't let that happen. I don't just want more, I need more, HAVE to have it. I have been cooped up in this little town my entire life and I HAVE to get so far away that I can somehow find the ability to appreciate all these years of feeling caged and oppressed. I never want to feel like this again.
I am also scared because I feel like I am missing out on some essential high school experience: dating. I think, every year, that somehow during the nine months of school i'll find someone interesting who is interested. I think that it's gonna happen and it never does. I am sick of lying to girls who ask why i don't date, saying I just don't like the guys at our school. Truth is, they don't like Me. how pathetic is that.
I am excited, and anxious. I want this year to come. I can't wait to read the letter I wrote to myself when I was 14 or 15, that I am supposed to open the night before my senior year. How crazy is it that that time has already come??
XOXO
Kari Richelle
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