Pondering

The school year is coming to a close and part of me just doesn't really care. I don't want to have to go to school anymore, but I think part of me thinks it doesn't really matter anymore... This is the end of my junior year and I'm scared. I'm scared because my big sister is graduating and I will be the only Borse/Huffman at the school for the first time. I've never been alone there, never been on my own. I'm scared because her graduating means it's my turn. We've always sort of done things together because we are so close in age. Even if she did it a year before me, I got to watch her and follow in her footsteps. It was never "Kelly's almost old enough.....". It was "The girls are almost old enough..." But this is one of those things you just can't share. This is HER time, this single event we each do one our own. They boys were years apart, so it was easier to distinguish, but in just 12 short months I am going to follow in their footsteps, the last of us. I'm scared because I only have one year left to leave my mark, to become something at this school. I don't want to be just another graduate, and I know the rest of next years seniors aren't going to be just another graduating class. These kids are definitely going to make a splash and I can't wait to take part.
I am also scared because I don't know. I don't know where I am going to go from here. I have so many options, so many opportunities... But there is no way they are all right for me and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity because I sat around waiting for the path to show itself. I don't know if I can handle it. I have never been left to my own will, been allowed to do things for myself and myself alone. But I have to now.
But with all of these fears, and so many more I didn't mention, I'm not worried. I never let myself worry because worry stops you from doing things. I see it with the people around me so much. When they let their fear take over and become worry, they let it stop them from living their lives and being free. I will never let my fear cripple me.
Nor will I let the doubt of others stop me. Even though I know they care and they WANT me to reach my goals, I know my parents don't fully believe in me. There's being practical and there's being cynical. My parents definitely fall into the latter. I know for a fact they don't see me going off to New York for college or California. They see me staying here, maybe attending MSU or Michigan. But I won't let that happen. I don't just want more, I need more, HAVE to have it. I have been cooped up in this little town my entire life and I HAVE to get so far away that I can somehow find the ability to appreciate all these years of feeling caged and oppressed. I never want to feel like this again.
I am also scared because I feel like I am missing out on some essential high school experience: dating. I think, every year, that somehow during the nine months of school i'll find someone interesting who is interested. I think that it's gonna happen and it never does. I am sick of lying to girls who ask why i don't date, saying I just don't like the guys at our school. Truth is, they don't like Me. how pathetic is that.

I am excited, and anxious. I want this year to come. I can't wait to read the letter I wrote to myself when I was 14 or 15, that I am supposed to open the night before my senior year. How crazy is it that that time has already come??

XOXO
Kari Richelle