Smile

My life has changed 100% since my last blog. And even within that, my life has seen massive changes throughout the last year. Friends coming and going, classes that made me think, frustrated me, broken hearts that I'm still trying to heal, discovering new interests, rediscovering parts of my youth that affected who I am today more than I ever realized.

Right now, at this moment, my life is a mess. But in some ways, that's how I like it because that's what I know best. Of course, there are some changes, the most prominent of these being my friends. Yes, my entire life I've dealt with one tragedy, one heartbreak, one complication after the other. That's no different than now. However, unlike the first 18 years of my life, I'm no longer dealing with all of this alone. I am proud to say that I overcame what I overcame on my own, that I did it while relying on no one but myself. But just because I can do it alone doesn't mean that I want to. Knowing that I have friends who will pull through for me when I really need them makes the next hurdle look a little less high, the next drought a little less dry. Some people think I've come to rely on these friends too much, that I'm putting too many of my eggs in one basket.

Maybe it's true that my life has come to revolve around these people and their lives. But even so, that doesn't mean that I don't have a life of my own, that I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces if all that I've created here were to come crashing down, as it usually does. I would pick up exactly where I left off, pushing through it alone to get to a place where I can say I'm happy. And there have been so many times this past year where that's exactly what I was. Happy. I've hit bumps. I've had to heal parts of myself that I didn't realize could break. I had to learn exactly where it is my priorities lie. And while I'm currently in a place that might just be harder than anything I've ever dealt with, I'm still pushing through. Despite the fact that I can't say that even one of my friends truly understands what I'm feeling. Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure even my closest friend thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion, that I'm being overdramatic. As much as it hurts that they feel that way when I feel like this, I'm okay with it. For me, it's just one more thing to deal with alone. I've had plenty of practice with that.

Now, when this aspect of one of my former lives isn't rearing its ugly, painful head into my chest, my life recently has been going rather well. Classes are still a struggle at times, but I push through. My friends are fantastic. I have more fun with them, being included in their lives, than I've ever had before. My friends come in all shapes and sizes and from all different groups, but they all have one thing in common: they actually give a shit about me. Now that, that was something that took some time for me to adjust to. And I have to say I like the way it looks from over here. My family is still going on about their day to day lives, growing and loving and being exactly who they've always been. I think that's what makes it so hard to visit them. I've changed soo much and they haven't changed at all. I feel as if I don't quite fit anymore... well, I never really felt like I fit, but now the incongruence has been made horribly obvious. The only person in my family whom I feel as if I can still relate to is my sister and she's so all over the place when it comes to me. When it's just the two of us, she is amazing. Someone I can talk to, get advice from. But around the rest of the family she's an entirely different person, one who really doesn't like me....

I miss my family. I miss certain aspects of my former life. But as much as I miss it all sometimes, as much as the nostalgia threatens to crush me if I let it hold me too long, I wouldn't give up my life now to go back. Not for all the money in the world. I'd take broken-hearted, damaged Kari with great friends and a future over that girl I was any day.

I'd even take the fact that in one hour, I have to stand up and face my biggest regret, my biggest pain, my biggest mistake. I have to stand up, see his face, hear his name, see the black heart behind his blue eyes... and smile.