Updating

These past few weeks have definitely been different. It's just been me and my dad at home during the week, getting by by ourselves. Dinners for two, watching news and NCIS a lot. :) I feel like we've gotten a lot closer, but without my mom around, I feel like there is a lot more on my shoulders. I don't know what is really going on between them anymore. Before she left, I knew exactly where she stood. But now i don't. Before she left, she seemed pretty sure she was going to stay gone, and even a week later she seemed to think it was the most likely option. But now, I don't know what to think. I don't know what she thinks. I only see her two or three times a week. My dad goes over to see her once in a while and they talk/text constantly, so it seems more like she left me than she left him. Ever since Kelly moved out, I thought we were getting close. I thought she was starting to like me again, and I was starting to like her again. I really just wish we could spend more time together. My friends have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. Vikki's life is pretty much as perfect as a life can get and the others.... i don't know. Mykayla has been more help than anyone. Her parents are about as fucked up as can be, so she knows a little of what I am going through. I'm not really suffering so much. Just been trying to get used to the change.
School has been going alright. I am doing pretty well in all my classes and I just took the ACT. Should get my scores back soon. Eddie already got his, but he didn't take the Writing portion. I have been getting swamped with letters from colleges bc of my PSAT score. 186. It isn't as good as I'd hoped, but it's better than anyone else in my grade. Shocker, i know. I am hoping to find a way to dual enroll next year, though I would have no way to get to and from. There are a lot of ppl I know who are taking all but one of their classes at NMC next year. I don't really think that's necessary for me. If I don't dual enroll, I will just take Writ Comm at Kingsley.
I cannot wait for spring. Once the snow is gone, I will start walking home from school. that way, I can go to the library without having to convince Vikki to drop me off. She's usually pretty good about it, but sometimes she has to work and doesn't have the time. Also, spring means me and Mykayla can walk at her house. We haven't been able to since early autumn... maybe even summer.
Me and Mykayla have gotten a lot closer lately, not that we weren't before. I have been at her house every other weekend for a while now and she def. understands my life better than anyone else can. I can laugh with her and she doesn't hold irritating, immature grudges like other ppl.
Eric and Kate are buying a house. They got approved for a loan and are seriously looking into Don's old house. I can tell they really want to get out on their own, for real and set up their own life. I am glad that things r working out for them.
Stacy and Heather are both about to pop. I can't wait to see the little girls!!! Braydon is so smart and learns so quick. He doesn't like me much when he's grumpy, but that's just the Brad in him. He always asks for me if I am not downstairs when he gets here and doesn't like it if I leave the room. I love it.

I'll try to keep this more updated. Def. will post when I get my ACT scores.

XOXO
Kari Richelle

...

I am just posting to say that I will be posting another long blog soon, hopefully. More than enough has been going on to constitute a blog, but I feel like it's still far too much in the middle of it all to write now. Soon, i promise!!

Changes

*sigh* Things have been turbulent, as always. Mom and Dad have been bickering a lot and she and I had a pretty good discussion on what's going to be happening in the near future. Still not sure exactly what's going on with me yet. Trying to make everyone happy, including myself, while also doing what's best for me. Not easy, seeing as none of the possible options fits into that very narrow category. I want to repay my father for all that he's done and make sure that he knows he will always be my father, no matter what, but I don't know if that's the best thing I can do for me right now. I will probably just wait until everyone else has figured out what they are doing and then make a decision. Idk.

School is going well, as always. Exams are over and they definitely exhausted me. As long as I have a A or A- or B+ on my Contemporary Lit. exam, I will have a 4.0 for the semester and my GPA will go way up!! I was most worried about my English exam, and I got B+, which still worked out to give me an A for the semester, so goodie for me!! I would normally just blow it off, but I really worked hard last semester to get where I am, so I am really proud of myself for having done so well.

Buckley came by the school today. I was really happy to see him, though I could only talk for a few seconds, since Vikki was waiting and I don't like to keep Vikki waiting. He attacked me from behind, but idc. It's Buckley. After all we've been through, he can pretty much do what he wants. :)

Haven't been online much lately, so don't get mad at me for not having written in a while, JT. It's cold and I haven't felt like wasting time on FB. Getting better at avoiding the "wasting time" part...

I got to babysit on Saturday. I had the Breithupts and the Beis girls, except for Kylie, the Mexican baby. I was sad that I didn't have her, but I still had a lot of fun. Kelsey had some troubles going to sleep, but she'd passed out by the time her parents got there. Got to watch the movie Bratz, which i surprisingly didn't hate. Also got a few rows done on my blanket. It's really coming along, more thanks to my lack of interest in the computer than any sudden burst in speed.

Heather's baby shower was a lot of fun. You could tell Braydon likes us the most, since he spent about an hour on mom's lap and would only come out of the back room when I asked if he wanted to go see "memah" He's still SOOO cute.

My night with aunt marcia was amazing. I'd forgotten how much I missed her. She cut and layered my hair, something I doubt anyone's noticed, but it still looks better. Kelly wasn't too much of a pain (LOL), and I got to see the very grumpy and very big Stacey. She's def. ready to pop.

TTFN!!

XOXO
Kari Richelle

Today

Today was pretty interesting. It was the first day of exams, which would terrify most people, but not me. I know I aced my Spanish and Pre-Calculus exams, simply because I always knew the answer to the questions, or at least how to get there for Pre-Calc. Web was also really easy. She graded them and posted grades before class was even out. I got a 99.15%. yeah me!!

After school was interesting. I had track pre-training today. Mrs. Schaar decided that we should start training and shaping up before actual season starts on March 9th. we can't actually touch the equipment until then, but we can do everything else. Us awesome shot/disk kids went to Wyse two weeks ago and said we wanted to practice, but today was the first time any of us could make it. For the first time ever, Wyse had us doing actual physical work. Usually it's just forms forms forms. But we did footwork stuff, which was much more *work* than it sounds and medicine ball stuff, which was also more *work* than it sounds, simply bc of the stuff we were actually doing. then we went and worked on forms, but not for long. then he let us go.

I had been reminded earlier in the day that i had signed up that night to sell tickets at the wrestling meet for student council. that started at 5:15 and it was about 4 when wyse let us go. so, i called my mom and we decided that I would just hang at the school until 5, sell the tickets, then watch the meet until they got back from having dinner with Aunt Tiff and Jerry. The meet was awesome. We didn't lose ONE match. Undefeated, at least for this meet. All the guys were really good (and looked really good, too:)) Not everyone got to wrestle bc frankfort only had two people and mancelona only had 11 or so. We've got pry 20 or 25, so the guys have to sit out a bunch.

then i waited around til mom and dad got there. I would normally have walked, but i don't own boots and my good socks were in the laundry. The snow is 2 maybe 2 1/2 feet on the entire trail and there are no sidewalks on Kingsley rd, so it's either the three feet of snow on side of road or middle of rd. Not to mention it's about 4 degrees on a good day. (Jt I hate you!!! )

Now i am sitting on the computer (not actually ON it. It's just an expression). exams tomorrow for civics and contemp. lit. Mr. Baker promised that we'd have a lot of writing to do, but civics should be easy. Enjoyable class either way, if nothign else... it's gonna be weird not having the everyday class on fri, but i'm sure i'll survive :) i'll still see moran on fri for world history, which is the exam that I MUST get an A on. I can get A-'s on all the others, but MUST get an A in world.

Going to Aunt Marcia and Kelly's tomorrow. that'll be a little weird. But I miss Aunt Marcia. I never see any of that family. I haven't seen Stacy since before she found out she was pregnant and she's almost due.

XOXO
Kari Richelle

Lonely and drained

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I sort of feel exhausted, like, all the time. I've been getting a pretty good amount of sleep and, with it being 5 degrees outside and covered in ice, I haven't been running around a lot either. I yawn at random times in the day and feel no need to do anything. I've gotten a little bit of work done on some of my novels, but not as much as I'd like to. I mean, I have barely been online all week and not at all since Thursday. I've lost all desire for that, too. I've also found myself wanting to spend more time downstairs, rather than in my room. That's weird, as most people would know. I usually can't get enough of just hanging in my room, writing. Maybe it's because it's cold. But I don't think so.

I think it might have more to do with boredom. I think I'm bored with my life. That might not sound like such a huge deal, but it is to me. I've never really been bored with my turbulent life before. There's always been something to capture my attention, to keep me occupied. You'd think I'd have more than enough right now, with all that's going on: Braydon, the new baby, exams, the weather, Vikki's problems, my parents...., my blanket, school, facebook, Obama's inauguration, MaryJean, Mykayla, and, though I swore I wouldn't mention it in this blog, [x] factor... But nothing can keep me from just wanting away from it all. There's been many times in my life when I've wanted a big change, but I don't think I've ever needed it so badly. Which is strange, because Kelly moving out was somewhat of a big shift. Now, we are allies.

But she wants me to strictly take her side on all of this.... But I can't. I can't take anyone's side, since they never took mine. Kelly bullied me around my entire life, and my mother joined her in the last three. My father tried, but was reluctant to go against my mother, who was reluctant to go against Kelly, at least when it came to me. In fights or disagreements or whatever between myself and Kelly over the last three years, my mother took my side one time. In three years. And my dad sided with them more often than not. He might try... but he would give in. And then, things just blew up between me and him when he started having serious problems with Kelly. Mostly because I felt this stupid, teenage instinct to side with the sibling over the parent. So, how can I forget all of that and say one person is right over the other? I can't. My dad is wrong in this, for being a tyrannical person when it came to us moving out. My sister has done me so many wrongs in the past, yet sees nothing wrong with any of it. My mother, though truthfully seems to have the best hold on the situation, is asking the same thing of me that Kelly is: to forget the past completely, to forget that there were times when I would cry in my room for hours out of hatred and hurt, to forget that I could never do anything right unless I laid down like a doormat, to forget that what I am is never good enough. My mother tries to remind me of all that Kelly has done, but she doesn't seem to understand that she was just as wrong in all of that, that if I can't forgive Kelly, then I can't forgive her either. But still I have to pick a side or lose them all. Much as I have hated my mother and sister in the past, I still want to have relationships with them, which is stupid, I know. I know that the level they degraded me to was one in which few could ever forgive, but I can't justify losing my family either, simply because they are my family. And I can mostly forgive my father, but his temper is out of control. He stresses the little things and his fuse can blow at any time, when he suddenly gets mad at everyone for no reason. He is a great man, but he sacrificed too much for us, leaving little left for anyone to hold onto.

And I know there is a big change ahead of my, maybe just a few short months away or maybe even sooner. And I have no idea what I'll do when the time comes... A fight between what's wanted, what's needed, and what's best. I'm terrified. I've had over three years to ponder my decision (the similar years is just a coincidence...), yet I haven't found a path that would work.

Maybe it is just the weather that has sent this complete desolateness into my life. Maybe it's the constant cold and lack of color. Maybe it's the cost of heat and danger of driving that puts everyone else on edge and causes me to shrink back into myself. I don't know. Maybe I just need someone to talk to, someone that won't judge or think I'm crazy. But also someone that will actually care and understand. Someone that wants to know more about me, but would also earn my trust. I used to pray for this person to come, back when I believed praying would help. Now all I can do is hope that this person is apart of my near future, that I won't be alone forever.

New Year!!!!!

First of all, I'd just like to say that 2009 had better be just as good as the end of and better than the beginning of 2008. If that's not too much to ask.....

So, not much been going on with me. I finished this huge project in Contemporary Lit. We had to do a journal of ourselves as "drifters", like Holden in Catcher In the Rye. Minimums: five places, one page journals, eight journals. Well, I went to eight places. Started out in New York after college, then went to Athens, London, Madrid, Peru, Kenya, Sydney, Hawaii, and finally back "home" to Kingsley, Michigan. It ended up being 20 pages.... that's nothing though. This was a min. 8 page that became 20. Freshman year, we had to do a diary on a book. Min 4 page. Can you guess the actual total of mine? No? Oh, I'll feed you baby birds!! With the cover page, map (i did Eldest), and two page background, it was 31 pages. That's 27 total of the actual diary. Yes, I AM an over-achiever. Thank you for noticing!!!

I also have a paper due for English that I am not working on.... whoops. The book was amazing* and the paper should be pretty easy when I actually do it, but I also am gonna end up wanting it to be perfect and blah blah blah..... so it will pry take a full day to finish.... UGH!!!

Braydon came over tonight. He was SOOO cute. He was in a really, really good mood. It was really adorable*. He was giggling and laughing and gasping speaking in full sentences and making PHONES out of blocks. that blew me away... soo smart.

Things with the gang (Vikki, Eddie, and Zac) have been pretty good. Apparently Eddie and Zac are fighting, but that's their business. They're both cool with me as far as I know, so it's all good. Yeah. Vikki's Nate is thinking of heading into the Navy and she wants..... well, never mind. Her brother is going to help him get everything settled. Vikki could very well end up an military wife like her sister-in-law, assuming the economy stays bad and Nate can't find a good-paying job before then. For her sake.... well, really, I think she could handle it, either way. She's just as tough as my cousin Shaye.

Speaking of Shaye, CHAD'S HOME!!! It's all I talked about Monday and I have been bugging Vikki about it all week. He is finally out of Iraq with any degree of permanence. I am so completely ecstatic that he's back home with his family, where he belongs. :D

My parents are.... not doing well. But I knew that. I've known that since I was 13. But it's getting serious, as I've been warned for the last three years that it would. I don't know what I want and I don't know what I'll do, and the not-knowing is all I know.

He looked at me a bunch today. Made me happy, like it always does. Still hasn't gone anywhere, though I know that talking to him, getting back over that barrier, would really solve so much. [group] might be starting again. I wonder if he'll be along this time..... It's all come so fast. I remember back in September when I had nearly ten months to make something happen before the next summer. Now I only have five. that's half, for any of those math-deficient people. It's gone by so fast..... though these next few months should be really active.... I don't know exactly what I could say. Do I just go up and say Hi, how have you been in the last eight months? Are we still not talking?? Or, maybe something a little more out-there?? Hey, so question: If you saw me on the side of the road this time of year and you were driving by, would you stop and pick me up? To which he would obviously ask What? Then I would simply say, well, since it's not awkward for us to randomly stare at each other, why can't we ask random questions? couldn't think of a reason, so you get the joy of answering a random question. yeah, I know. I'm obssessed. But I can't help it. I don't want to lose him, but I am so afraid of being rejected. I think the biggest reason is bc I am afraid that the staring won't stop after he rejects me and it will hurt that much more..... I don't want to be a coward, but could I handle not being able to keep my eyes away from a guy who told me no? Who couldn't help but look at me either? .... conflicted, as always.

Oh, and something cool. I got Student of the Month. Shocker, I know. It was for Web Design with Mrs. Lewis. Though, I still hold the record for most awards by different teachers in one month. Last year, in Dec. I got three, which I was informed was a school record. I am awesomer. You may now commence applauding *******************************************************
*************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************* You may now stop feeling awkward for NOT clapping. :)

Been drinking lots of coffee and my back's been killing me..... more coffee...... On that subject, eric bought new coffee and creamer, which I am allowed full access to, since I was the one that got him back into coffee. it's good too. French Vanilla. and I crush my peppermint log to put in each cup. It's really delicious. I have gotten really good at flavoring my coffee with things at home. Half a packet per cup of hot choco mix works well, vanilla, and crushed peppermint. All great alone and pry taste good all together too. ...

Well, I think that's good for now. Peace Out


XOXO
Kari Richelle

Frustration at Adjectives.

These are the adjectives that, while I love them and use them constantly, no longer imply their original meaning and, seeing as I know their original meaning and I deal with very literal people, make it harder to say what you really mean.

Adorable: Able to be adored or worthy of adoration.
Adorable: Really cute.

Amazing: Causing amazement or leaving a person amazed.
Amazing: Really good or cool, great

Awesome: Causing awe or leaving a person awed.
Awesome: Really good or cool, great

Excellent: Excelling or beyond average. Something that excels.
Excellent: Really good or cool, great (many of them have begun to mean this)

Fantastic: Of or coming from something of a fantasy. Unreal, not possible, magical.
Fantastic: Really good or cool, great

Horrible: Causing horror or fear, filled with horror
Horrible: Really bad or uncool

Incredible: Opposite of credible, meaning not possible, not plausible; absurd, far-fetched
Incredible: Really good or cool, great

Marvelous: Able to be marvelled at, something to be marvelled.
Marvelous: Really good or cool, great

Extraordinary: Beyond ordinary, super.
Extraordinary: Really good or cool, great

Outrageous: Causing outrage, creating anger
Outrageous: Ridiculous, preposterous OR bad-ass, sick

Outstanding: Standing out, not fitting in
Outstanding: Really good or cool, great

Remarkable: Able to be remarked upon, worthy of remark
Remarkable: Really good or cool, great, unique, different (good way)

Terrible: Full of or causing terror, full or fear
Terrible: Really bad or uncool

Wonderful: Full of or causing wonder
Wonderful: Really good or cool, great

*Selfish: Supposed to mean caring about oneself more than others, but word is "self" "ish". "ish" implies only kinda sorta. Just thought that one was ironic.


There are so many, many more. These are just SOME of the big ones. Next time you want to say that something is "really good or cool, great" by being creative, try and do it with a word that doesn't have a more literal meaning. Not so easy, btw.

Ummmm...

Xmas is over. It was weird, cuz it sort of snuck up on us in the first place. It didn't really feel like Xmas.... It was great. I got a lot of the things that I wanted and I am very grateful for that. I got the yarn to finish the blanket that I am making, the Ipod speakers I forgot to tell anyone that I wanted, a USB (flash drive) that someone owed me, and a straightener that I needed. I also got a T-shirt of one of my two fav bands, Breaking Benjamin (Three Days Grace is the other fav rock band) and a fuzzy green scarf from Mykayla, an awesome person. I actually, haven't even finished my Xmas shopping.... They're gonna be late, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Also, 2008 is nearly over. It's sunk in that I won't see [x] factor until 2009, a whole new era. I want things to change. I found this button on facebook (don't judge me) that kinda said it perfectly: Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about. I haven't. Gone a day without thinking about him, I mean. Not since the day we met. Actually, not since BEFORE we met. We had begun the whole ping-pong thing weeks before we ever exchanged words. And I have thought of him numerous times every single day since then. I can't escape him and I don't want to. I really care about him and I really want to care more... I miss him like crazy whenever we're apart. I am never happier then when we are together, no matter how miserable he makes me. He drives me crazy, fucking up all my plans to get him to notice me, more than he already does, I mean. He always shows up at the wrong moment, yet every moment is soo right. I am crazy. I know that. I have lost my mind over this guy and I won't get it back until something changes in a big way. But that's okay. I have accepted my fate. I have stopped fighting it. It's like fighting death. You can avoid it, but you can never really escape it. He's my living death.
Things with Kelly are exactly as we always knew they would be when she moved out. They're great. I am starting to kinda sorta like her as a person. I haven't forgotten the last few years, not as it pertains to her or my mother. But it seems like everyone else wants to just move on, so whatever. I don't want to act like they didn't happen, but I also don't want to ruin what could be. I don't know exactly how I should deal with it, so for now I am just going with the flow. I haven't really fought with my mother since Kelly moved out. Go figure. Then again, my issues with my mother have only a little to do with Kelly herself. She just happened to be the main spark for the flame. It's still just wait and see at the moment.
My dad is having a lot of medical problems. His back is really bad and he broke his toe. Again. Same toe. He went to the walk-in today and got drugs, so hopefully that will help. Btw, I have to mention that my family knows the walk-in WAY too well. They have fav. doctors and doctors they hate and.... Wow. I have only been in there once or twice in my whole life. They have each been in there a few times a year. .... Kelly wasn't there, but she also probably has her fav. and dislikes. Shes has a lot of medical problems as well. I never really have. I have sprained my ankle twice, and cut my head open once. Oh, and all that stuff with my kidney and bladder when I was younger, but that was a long time ago and has pretty much stabled out. I never even went in for my ankle, either time, and only went to a doctor a few times those years that I had problems with that part of my body. I still have the same issues, but they aren't problematic so much as annoying. Huh.
Ginger, I've noticed, gets VERY territorial about me when Rocky is home. Not so much when it's just Bud, but when Rocky is home, she rarely leaves my lap. I think she knows I like Rocky more, but also that he is so much more in my face than Bud is. It's cute, I guess. She knows who her mommy is.
Again, very grateful for this year's Xmas. Very happy and glad. But I sent a big hint their way. No one got it. I have been putting books (actual names of ones I want, not just books in general) on my Xmas lists for years. Never got even one. So, this year, to send a huge hint to everyone, my entire Xmas list was about 15 different books, then a sweater. Guess what? I didn't get any books. It makes me wonder if that's their way of discouraging my future career. Trying not encourage me in any way with what I want to do, since they don't see it as practical. *sigh*. I have been babysitting, though, so I'll spend the extra money after my last few Xmas gifts on books. I am just nerdy that way.
So, my break so far has been pretty boring. Not been doing much. Had a bunch of fun at Vikki's on Friday. We ate a bunch of junk food, talked and watched a movie. Oh, and laundry. she did a bunch of laundry. I miss her. She's in Arizona right now.... But since, I haven't really done much. I have been reading Wuthering Heights, which is quickly creeping it's way up my fav. book list. I've been doing the practical thing and following along on spark notes, but I have been pretty much getting everything that i need to. I haven't read any of the analysists or theme things, but I might check it out later. For now, I want to experience the book how it was originally meant to be experienced: one page at a time. I haven't really touched my journal for Contemp. Lit, or my World History review. I haven't even gotten to my Spanish notes.... Damn, I'm lazy...
So, I think I am about talked out for now.... Check ya later!

XOXO
Kari Richelle

Good bye 2008. You've changed me forever.

2008 is coming to a close. Quickly. And I am not quite sure exactly how I feel about that.

As should be obvious, my life these days revolves around what's going on with [x] factor. So, what does the end of this year mean on that front? On one hand, this was the year I first saw him, the year that we connected and fell apart. But, it's a new year, right? Maybe, my New Year's Resolution should be to make things right in that part of my life. Then again, aren't all New Year's Resolutions doomed from the beginning? For me they are. But I need to make it right, for me and him. I've seen him react to me the way that I react to me and it tears me in two. I like that he is as affected by me as I am by him, but I don't want him to be feeling the pain that I am feeling. I don't want to hurt him. I care about him. For me, he is right up there with my close family on the priorities list and much higher than the other people in my life. Of course, I consider my close friends to be close family, so he doesn't quite trump them either. But I do not even talk to this amazing man. How can I care so much? But sadly, I want to care more. I want to love him, in the soaring, safe yet risky and entirely undescribable way. I know that I do not yet... I do not know him well enough. But I want to. Being around him daily, as I have no choice but to be, I see more and more of the things that I like. I am utterly attracted to him. I can barely even look at other guys when he's around. Luckily, Vikki doesn't see it. Then again, I am not attracted to Nate, so what can I expect? We've finally, after all the drama, developed a different taste in men. And man is the only word for [x] factor. Age doesn't matter. He is far more mature than any other guy at that school. He thinks and has opinions and wants to be out there, doing something to make a difference. But he makes me laugh. There are times when I think he does things for my benefit alone, because no one else will even be paying attention. But he knows I am always aware of him, just as I know he is aware of me. And he usually smiles when I laugh at him, so hopefully that's a good sign.... I just can't stand all this unknowing. It past by endurable long ago. Now, it is nothing short of torture. If nothing happens, ever, and I did nothing to change this... I would always wonder and never stop regretting. I would regret it for the rest of my life, more than anything I have ever regretted. If I went for it and got turned down, I would be okay. You can only regret the things you do not do. Maybe, going for it will be a mistake, but I would never regret it. At least I would know, once and for all...

The looks seem to have gotten worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it. I've caught him staring more than I used to and he glances at me more than he used to. Of course, I stare at him plenty. He still avoids me. That's unfortunate. But I avoid him as well. And, like I said, I would swear that some of the things he does and says are to make me laugh. And I do. I can't help it. He makes me laugh and that's one of the best things there is about him. I assure you, there are plenty of other qualities...

My friends are all amazing right now. Vikki is my best friend, hands down. She is always there for me and hasn't let me down.... well, not since freshman Snowball.. :)LOL. She cares about me and needs me to be there just as much as I need her to be there. It's great to be in an entirely equal friendship. I haven't had this since Shelby Morgan as a child. But it is so much stronger, now that we are on the brink of adulthood. Everything means so much more now. Mykayla is erratic as always, but always able to be counted on for a good time and some reality. Tana and Ashley and Ray are the biggest kids I have ever met. But, oddly enough, they see things so much clearer. They see through the bullshit, and get down to the core, while having a great time doing it. Tana's been there for so long.... I can't imagine my life with her not in it. Ray is crazy. No doubt about it. But he is also immensely loyal and a total goofball. Ashley is... entertaining. She gets along with literally everybody and makes everyone laugh. Gotta love them. Eddie and Zac are always cool. I am definitely closer with Eddie, probably because I see him more and have more in common with him, but Zac is amazing as well. Eddie is so gullible and has a great sense of humor. Plus, he gets it. He gets the pressure from parents to stay out of trouble and be the best.
I don't know how it happened. After 15 years of never really knowing where I fit in, of never having that stable social life, I suddenly have so many people who care and who take me for who I am. Well, better late than never, right? But if this year has been so great, won't it only get worse from here?

My parents.... I don't know what is going on with them most of the time. They really united when Kelly left. Actually, my mom seems like a different person when it comes to me. She's admitting that Kelly treated me like shit for years and she stood up for me against Kelly for the first time in three years. That shocked the hell out of me, so much so that I just turned around and walked away. But her and Kelly get along, as far as I know. Part of me is angry for this sudden turn around, while part of me is thankful. I hate that she also treated me like shit, yet now everything is supposed to be okay. I am supposed to forget the last three years, as if they never happened. But they did. I literally have the scars to prove it. It seems fake to me. I have wanted nothing more than to hate her for so long, but I also wanted nothing more than for her to not hate me. I have striven for her acceptance and I now realize that I could never have gotten any kind of acceptance so long as Kelly was around. Kelly is more important to her than I am.
My dad... loves me. A lot. I know it. But sometimes his temper goes out of control. He was there for me a lot in the last few years, trying to comfort me rather than criticize me for crying. He always wanted to know why I was upset and still does. Mom never really cared that much. Once in a while, when it was completely obvious that something was off, she might ask a question or two. But that was about as much effort as she put in on my behalf. My dad however, wants to be a part of my life. Sometimes, he may go about it the wrong way (the terrible Ipod incident), but he wants a relationship with me. That's always good to know.

Things with Kelly these days are actually kind of fantastic, in the original meaning of the word. It's like a page of a fantasy book where nothing can actually be real. But, so far, it has been. We get along, seek each other out. Spend time just talking. It's something we only used to do when our parents were pissing us both off. I still haven't forgotten everything. Kelly was a self-centered bitch for most of my life. But she is a mostly good person. I know her better than most. We both have had the part to play, the happy, inteligent girl. We have both played it well.

My books were coming along awesomely... until we got internet. At this moment, I have two books I should be working on. One is something that i just started. I had a dream and everything just came to life after that. The other is Lyssa, my favorite CHEEDAWS (or WHONDERS). Her book is the first in the series, naturally, and I wanted to have it done by, well, 8 days from now. Not gonna happen. But I have a couple years before I need to get serious about publishing. I love all my characters and have actually spent a good amount of time in the last few weeks writing. That mey have more to do with more time on the computer, though.

My reading life has been seriously interrupted with school. I have had so much to read for school that, with my writing and everything else, I haven't had nearly enough time for reading. Well, except for the time I made for reading Stray. I couldn't help it. Faythe is right up there with Wanda and nearly neck and neck witih Bella. I read the book four times in a row, just like I did with Twilight. Because, like Twilight, I haven't been able to get my hands on the second book in the series and couldn't stand not to be reading SOMETHING of the story. And, like Twilight, when I wasn't actually reading, I had the book with me and was constantly re-reading my favorite scenes. I have literally memorized the groping scenes and the ass kicking scenes. The sex scene is definitely plastered as well. One odd thing that has never happened to me is that the book has its own soundtrack for me. I was listening to Idina Menzel's I Stand Cd the first time I read the book and through all of the scene searching between the first and second time. I got halfway through the second time and thought about changing the music, but realized that nothing would sound right while reading that book. So, that's all I listened to any time I was reading the book, even if it was just a scene. Crazy, I know. But I am not even surprised at myself. I have the whole CD on my Ipod now, so I'll never have to worry about not having it.

I love my room right now. The walls are literally covered in colored quotes about everything. Most of them are from the Twilight series but there are so many. I have quotes from so many books and authors and just people. I even have a few of my own quotes, from books that I am writing. It is a collage of who I am and I love it. I will be so sad when I leave in a year and a half.

I am also loving my music right now. I am still into everything. But lately, it's been Country, then Rock, then Idina. A LOT of country, though. Mostly country. I have gotten really into the newer music. Plus, on the rock stuff, I've discovered some amazing bands. None of the genres are anything alike, but they all scream ME. Not that I really know exactly who that is sometimes.....

School is work, finally. Junior year had challenged me for literally the first time in my life. I love it. I am the top of all of my classes and did better than anyone on the PSAT. Same with the PLAN last year. Being top of my class is sort of a requirement for my college... so, I am not trying to brag, just trying to be ACCEPTED!! :) I got the 4.0 on my english paper, which makes me really happy. I have the only 100% in that class. I have 100% in both my Civics and World History classes and more than 100% in my Pre-Calculus class. I am also doing really well in Contemp. Lit, Spanish and Web Design. Overall, doing really good!

Wow, if you are still reading, you must be really interested!! :) LOL. Thanks for keeping up! I know it's much easier in writing than in person.

XOXO
Kari Richelle

Dumb Chauvinistic Fucks!!!

This was an actual conversation had on Facebook. So, this is the kind of people who I have to deal with. The ones with astericks are the ass holes. Read for yourself, if you can take it. John and Matt are PLers, having posted on this page to get their point across. Eddie is just a crazy pervert. And people wonder why I am Pro-choice and a Feminist. (btw, Gigi and Andrew are cool. Andrew actually went to school with Eddie and Matt, poor guy. also, Tom is the group administrator)

*John: I think your just trying to hide the fact that your being mentally raped.

Kari: "mentally raped"? LOL. I think ur just pissed cuz you'd have to rape a chick to get laid

Gigi: John, if you think what you're doing is mental rape:You're doing it wrong.

Kari, I think he's bipolar or maybe schizophrenic, or perhaps has disassociative disorder

*Eddie: you have to insert the mental penis.

Kari: Like I said, He's very "special". i think you'd have to HAVE a mental penis, which he obviously doesn't, since he doesn't have mental balls

Gigi:Kari, the other women in the group and I have ovaries of diamond.
Much more useful, and valuable, than balls.

*John: Gigi thats really fuckin nice making fun of people with serious diseases. I don't make fun of you for your religion, which is a choice, unlike a diseases. You dumb fucking jooish bitch

Alright Kari what a great line. How would you like to see my real penis?

Kari: I REALLY wouldn't, btw. Small things give me a superiority complex

Gigi: And that was a sexual advance towards a minor.
Good job, John! Are you trying to break every rule tonight?

As for mental diseases, they are treatable with the proper care. Are you reaching out for help? I'm sure there are resources in your area

Kari: John, r u saying that it is an insult to people of disability to be compared to you??
And i thought u were cocky...

*John:Well since I'm a minor then no its not against the law you fuckin joo. And don't worry Kari I don't think your "ovaries of diamond" or pussy could handle me so you don't have to worry about that

*Matt: i would like to apologize for the very rude and distasteful things i said about women. It was very wrong and i would like to apologize for what was said in the heat of the moment. This probably wont mean much but watever

Kari:Good to know, JohnI was afraid I wouldn't be able to fight off some wimpy little boy!

Sexual harrassment either way!!ur lucky im such a "take things in stride" sort of person

Yeah, Matt really doesn't help much, you little fucker

*John: Kari it doesn't matter what you think, you're a woman. The only person who has less say is Gigi cause she is a joo too.

Kari:*again, a deep, calming breath*

John, you wouldn't be here if u didn't care what we thought. U claim to be a sexist, racist ass hole and I am sure ur right, but you are also a pathetic little boy who didn't get enough attention from mommy or maybe too much attention from daddy

*Eddie:how dare you say that to John! he killed his parents because they didnt give him enough lunch money, not cuz they didnt pay attention to him. why are you putting up with this bullshit? is it cuz mommy isnt around and you have no one to talk to since all your friends think your a retard? ive honestly only talked here for like 20min, and ive gotten exponentionally dumber from the things youve had to say.

*John: You know Kari you're right I've been a bad boy. Can you give me a spanking?

Kari: Sexual Harrassment, again John. Sorry, I don't fuck republicans. Little rule of mine.
I also don't fuck chauvinists or pro-lifers and ur oh for three.

*Eddie: what was that John, you said you dont fuck bitches who dont cook and clean on demand? haha, id make the exception too ;)

Kari: Thanks Eddie, I am so flattered by ur chauvinism!
Maybe the three of you should fuck each other and see if it's possible for something OTHER than the devil to be born

*Eddie : your welcome Kari. did you know that 6% of all suicides in america are directly related to me somehow? you could help make that 7%. and just a lil fun fact, i have diamond sperm which was touched by the devil, so its highly unlikely that anything other then evil be produced. my baby would be similar to you! =)

*Matt: Umm Kari not possible there is not more room in my jean shorts they are really tight u can acually see the vein in my dick thats how tight they are

Kari: Wow. Ur trying SO hard to be reported! Are that desperate for attention from Tom??

*Eddie: i would do anything to get attention from Tom. you know what gets my dick hard? Tom, and famine victims

Kari: Wow, you seem to think that you effect me enough to cause suicide. how conceited

*Eddie: indeed, and it seems to me that im not trying hard enough, on the other hand, when you make fun of me, you deff get me hard enough

Kari: Oh, goodie!A psycho, mysogynist, and pervert all in ONE.I really didn't think it was possible!

*Eddie: ohhhh, there is much much more Kari. im a serial rapist/killer. sometimes when i see old ppl i get the urge to slap them in the face. i kick dogs. i punch babies in the kidneys. i make fun of poor ppl. i despise orphans. i hate gypsys. ummm and there is still much more, so a psycho is a pretty general term to cover all of that.

*Matt: Oh and Kari it is misogynist but ur a women and the fact that u cant spell is assumed. And to clear this whole thing up i dont hate women i just prefer them naked and quiet

Kari: I am NOT going to report you, so stop trying to god damn hard.

It's sad and makes me pity you even more. I feel guilty when i debate with someone obviously not up for the challenge

that's funny, bc i prefer my men fully clothed and able to speak their minds, rather than their parents' minds

*Eddie: well, lumberjack matt, John, and all you young nobleMEN and scholars, except gigi, kari, and that one girl that commented once, i wish you all a merry arbor day when it rolls around, and for all you good girls out there who didnt say anything, keep strong ovaries, and an even stronger spirit in these hard times. i really need to stress that i dont want gigi and kari to have strong spirits tho...

Kari: Too bad, eddie, bc I am in a great mood. Generally, debating with idiots reminds me that I'll be the one to come out on top. I really only feel bad for your future wives, if you can ever get
smart enough to trick a woman into marrying you

*Eddie: no need for tricks, ill just straight rape them. and fyi, when i try to be nice to you, i feel like a nazi trying to be nice to a jew, no offense gigi... well a little, so your lucky im in a good mood. i shoulda reported you along time ago for even being on a computer.

Kari: What a pathetic attempt to insult my gender, again. I am proud to be an intelligent, strong woman, so those little cracks don't even phase me. I don't have to TRY to be nice to you. It comes naturally, bc i think before i speak, rather than spouting off the first thing that comes to my head. Fortunately for you, it seems as though both your heads are on the same page